When you like off-beat things, you immediately set yourself up as a target. It’s just a given in human culture. Are you A Flock of Seagulls fan? Get ready for “ran so far away” quips. Are you a Detroit Tigers fan? Yeah, sorry about that. Enjoying the malaise-era Mopars, it was almost inevitable that sooner or later something involving the Dodge Aspen would hit my inbox.

The Dodge Aspen/Plymouth Volaré twins (the F-car platform) were the rushed-to-market replacement for the Dodge Dart and Plymouth Scamp. Debuting in 1976, they were initially well-received and praised for their new styling and were even named Motor Trend’s “Car of the Year” that year. The R/T, Road Runner, and Kit Cars with the 360 V8 were stout performers, able to scare pretty much any other American production car made that year.

Then, the recalls came. Chrysler Corporation wasn’t exactly doing well to begin with during this time period, with what appeared to be warring factions within each brand fighting to keep a legacy name…which usually ended up with two different cars having the same damn name. In fact, the only other car to do well for Chrysler in the mid-1970s was the newly-launched Cordoba. But the Cordoba’s sales couldn’t cover the pit that the F-twins were about to shove Chrysler into. The most famous recall was for rust. These things dissolved faster than a Listerine strip on your tongue, usually in the front fenders first. During the rush to production, little thought was given to any rustproofing at all. But that wasn’t it: emissions controls that failed, seat belts retractors that failed, and let’s not forget the Lean Burn computer system, an electronic cluster-F that was notorious for stalling the car out at inopportune times, like in the middle of an intersection with a Kenworth bearing down on you. If you ever wondered why most horror movies use a Chrysler starter noise because the car won’t start, the Aspen is probably the inspiration. The F-cars were the straw that broke the camel’s back and sent Chrysler right to the brink of failure.

And it’s that same platform that underpins the Diplomat and Gran Fury (successful police vehicles), the Fifth Avenue (popular 80’s luxo-tank), and the Imperial that is parked outside my house. Hmm. I wonder what Brian is trying to tell me here…

In this Regular Car Review, the guys find the epitome of a bad Dodge Aspen: a banana-cream yellow Slant-Six powered sedan with rotting quarters, steering play that can be measured in feet, and all the get-up-and-go of a fresh cow pie. What conclusions do they bring from driving it? I won’t spoil it for you, but I will say they are fair about their judgements. And bonus, you get to see Jalopnik’s Patrick George get prank-called. That alone is worth the price of admission.