By the time you read this, we will be in the middle of LS Fest in it’s entirety…if the weather around western Kentucky will actually cooperate. Otherwise there will be some seriously soaked car enthusiasts, but hey, we can find a silver lining anywhere. Rain on NCM Motorsports Park’s track? Hello, drift day! While we’ve been salivating for the main course to get served up, however, a lot of scraps have collected up at the far end of the kitchen, so in the spirit of “share and share alike”…or was it “misery loves company?”…we’ve smashed the best bits together and roasted it to perfection. Here’s this week’s Scrapple:

1. Revealed: Bentley Bentayga…because every soccer mom needs an SUV the size of a school bus.

I genuinely want to hear the rationalization behind purchasing a new Bentley Bentayga. Expected to cost somewhere between $200,000 and $230,000 (good god…) and powered by a W-12 that should push over 600 horsepower, unless you are purchasing new SUVs for the British Royal Family, are sick of using bling’d out Range Rovers in your rap videos, or bemoan the fact that you can barely fit your fast-food order into your McLaren, then maybe you should buy something a little more responsible with your wealth. Like a house.

2. Revealed: Cadillac XT5…the least aerodynamic Cadillac since the 1976 Sedan de Ville!

Meet the Cadillac XT5, the replacement for the SRX. We sincerely hope it is smaller than it looks in person, otherwise this might be the most frontal space you can drive on the road without a CDL. Somewhere, the guy who penned down the Elmiraj and the Ciel is crying out in frustration. Cadillac needs a trendy crossover SUV like they need a hole in the head. I thought Cadillac was supposed to be special, de Nysschen?

3. Is it ironic that they arrested him on his bike at a Billy Joel concert?

This charming individual with the ironic mustache is Ian Hespelt. Ian here is currently being charged with three felonies and a myriad of misdemeanors for attacking a woman in a ZipCar-owned Subaru with a U-lock during a “Critical Mass” bike night in San Francisco. Opinions on cycling be damned, anybody who thinks that I’m going to put my car in park and stop because you’re screaming at me over some slight better be prepared for a lot more than me just pulling away. In this case, the woman drove off. In reality, someone should’ve shoved the U-lock up Mr. Hespelt’s lower quarters in a violent manner, locking base first, after beating him about the head and shoulders with it. Idiot.

CLICK HERE to see the video.

4. Monitoring your health via your rump, because Ford cares!

Do you know how much you weigh every day? No, not “too much”, the actual figure. Do you know your heart rate? If you don’t, then just wait a little bit, because Ford recently patented technology that could take those two readings via your butt planted in the seat. Kind of creepy, isn’t it? They could also send the information to a medical provider or if things really go wrong, contact emergency services. Two issues here: let’s say your friend Herb wants to borrow your Fusion, and the car panics, not knowing that his 410 pound derriere isn’t yours…what then? Even better…picture the heart rate monitor climbing like a tach while stuck in Seattle-level traffic. For added effect, add OnStar: “Sir, we are calling you because the heart rate monitor has exceeded normal levels. We can send paramedics, or we can play Enya until you calm down. Which would you prefer?”

5. I want to see a Prius flying. Off of a cliff, not actually flying, like these patent drawings indicate…

This is seriously a thing. Toyota filed a patent for a stackable airfoil/wing setup for a Prius. Question: what’s more annoying than a smug Prius owner? Answer: A smug Prius owner flying over you. Though, if you take into accountability the success rate of a flying car, you will be the one having the last laugh. While the patent is really Toyota covering some legal bases, the concept of a flying Prius (an autonomous one, of course) plummeting out of the sky to certain doom has an appeal…