For six years, the majority of my year was occupied by a twice-a-day ride in a Gillig school bus that dated to at least the early 1970s, if not as old as the late 1950s. All but the two spare buses had manual transmissions, growled like a bulldozer, and accelerated with all the urgency of a slug on a bed of salt. Hard-ass green seats that even the Army would’ve deemed unfit for service, coupled with metal everywhere inside left kids like me wondering just how they were supposed to survive if things were to go wrong. Every once in a while, we’d get lucky and get to ride on one of South Kitsap School District #402’s Thomas Safe-T-Liner buses, the big yellow bricks with the cushy seats, air conditioning and sound system that didn’t sound like a rat was being electrocuted. They felt better, they rode better, but the question still remained: how well would the young cargo hold up in a crash?

Throw in a 1980s conventional and a couple of GM P-series short buses, and prepare for a party! Evergreen Speedway in Monroe, Washington is renowned for exciting local racing but bringing in a fleet of buses for the figure-eight setup…well, now, it’s a party, ain’t it? Add in a enough dirt to create a pitcher’s mound in the center of the eight, cut the muffler off of one of the short buses to make it louder and tell the drivers that there is a two-week vacation paid in it for them to tear the other buses a new ass, and watch what happens. Don’t spare the throttle, don’t hit the brakes, and whatever you do, don’t plow through the short bus. There’s enough jokes going around without that.

“He drinks and he cusses, and wrecks all the buses…hail to the bus driver, bus driver man…”