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  • We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

    Buddy got lucky on his clear liquid.....this guy was not so smart

    Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.



    If it makes you laugh post it here....Im sure we all could use a good laugh.....
    That steely eyed look I had behind the wheel was me trying see..........

  • #2
    Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

    Saw this joke on a sight I visit.......

    POKER



    Two couples were playing poker one evening.

    Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under
    The table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any
    Underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up
    Again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

    Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed
    And asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"

    Surprise by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did.

    She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

    After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this
    Offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

    When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. Sharp -
    And after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and
    Closed their transaction, as agreed.

    Jim quickly dressed and left.

    As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his
    Wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

    With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
    Minutes this afternoon."

    Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he
    Give you $500?"

    Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me
    $500."

    Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He
    Came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd
    Stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

    Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
    That steely eyed look I had behind the wheel was me trying see..........

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

      Nice way to turn the lights back on and make your shirt black aswell... ;)
      www.BigBlockMopar.com

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

        one of my all time favorites

        Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.
        Phil / Omaha

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

          Those both were good Dewayne,,, anyone have $500.00 I can borrow? ;)
          Living the dream!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

            Originally posted by 383S-10
            Buddy got lucky on his clear liquid.....this guy was not so smart

            Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.



            If it makes you laugh post it here....Im sure we all could use a good laugh.....
            HA! That guy reminds me of our former warehouse manager. I showed the video to everyone in the office, and without exception, they all thought of him, too!

            I am STILL chuckling over this. Thanks for making my week!


            Ron
            It's really no different than trying to glue them back on after she has her way.

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

              > I know a guy with a trophy wife.... but it wasn't first place ~Steven Wright

              > Guy walks into a psychiatrists office with clear plastic wrap 'round his waste. Dr. says, "clearly I can see you nuts". :

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

                The hockey fans will understand this one - although the Leafs did spank my Wings recently -

                Phil / Omaha

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

                  I've got so many jokes on my site, y'all check it out if you ever get a chance. This is my second-favorite from the collection :

                  The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
                  activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
                  speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to
                  communicate.

                  After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
                  right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
                  stuffed pillows on her right.

                  A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
                  family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

                  Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
                  her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

                  A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,
                  you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

                  Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
                  nephew... "They won't let me fart."


                  And this one's my very most favorite from the pile:

                  The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

                  The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

                  'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.

                  She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

                  She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and hurt her when she landed.

                  And then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.

                  She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, and then she killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she beat the last one to death with the empty whisky bottle.'

                  'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

                  'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

                  pee
                  Charter member of the Turd Nuggets

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

                    One of my favorite Simpsons clips
                    Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.
                    Rumors of my demise by rollover have been greatly exaggerated.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

                      Originally posted by Eagle Kammback
                      One of my favorite Simpsons clips
                      Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

                      Why was it backwards?
                      Cognizant Dissident

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

                        What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls ?
                        -
                        -
                        -
                        -
                        Sparky
                        Phil / Omaha

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

                          New Mexico Chili Cook-off

                          If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .


                          Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
                          If you pay attention to the first two judges,
                          the reaction of the third judge is even better.


                          For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza . Judge #3 was an inexperienced chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .





                          Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3."





                          Here are the scorecard notes from the event:







                          CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
                          Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
                          Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
                          Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.





                          CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
                          Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
                          Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
                          Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.





                          CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
                          Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
                          Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
                          Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my spine is in the front of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.





                          CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
                          Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
                          Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
                          Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT! Is chili an aphrodisiac?





                          CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
                          Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
                          Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
                          Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.





                          CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
                          Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
                          Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
                          Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.





                          CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
                          Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
                          Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. [NOTE: I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably].
                          Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.





                          CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
                          Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
                          Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
                          Judge # 3 -- No report.

                          Charter member of the Turd Nuggets

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

                            Originally posted by std
                            Originally posted by Eagle Kammback
                            One of my favorite Simpsons clips
                            Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

                            Why was it backwards?
                            to get past the youtube censors I think
                            Rumors of my demise by rollover have been greatly exaggerated.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: We need to laugh more, so here goes.....

                              Originally posted by std
                              Originally posted by Eagle Kammback
                              One of my favorite Simpsons clips
                              Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

                              Why was it backwards?
                              Wasn't that song really supposed to be "In the Garden of Eden" but when Irony Butterfly recoded it they were so wasted they couldn't get the words out?
                              That which you manifest is before you.

                              Comment

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