'YOUR' Funniest Joke

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Can I do two? The Aunt Karen one is my alltime fave, but here's another one that's close....

RALPH GOT DRUNK AND DIED

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph?

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

' Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ralph! Wake up! You shit in the bed!'

[DanStokes]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A traveling salesman was stranded in the country with a car that wouldn't run. He sees a farm house in the distance and decides he'll have to ask for lodging for the night - you all know the drill. So he gets to the farmer's front door and the old farmer tells him, " OK - But you'll have to sleep with my son". The salesman exclaims "YOUR SON! Dammit, I'm in the wrong joke!"

I've told it on here before but it just cracks me up.

Dan

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A Redneck One:

So Boudreaux asks Thibodeaux: "Why dem Scuba divers always fall backways
Off dem boats?"

To which Thibodeaux replies: "You dumbass - If dey fell forwards dey'd still be in de' boat.

[ksj1]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

[Vegaman]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

An old man is sitting out on his porch one day when he sees a young boy walking by with a roll of duct tape. He yells out to the boy " Hey kid! Where you going with that duct tape?" To which the boy replies, " I'm going duck hunting". The old man says" Silly boy, you can't catch no ducks with duct tape". Later that day the kid goes walking by the old man's house carrying a bunch of ducks.
Next day the old man is out on the porch and he sees the same kid walking by with a roll of chicken wire. "Hey kid!" he yells, "where ya going with that chicken wire?" The kid yells back, "I'm going huntin' fer chickens" The old man says, "Stupid kid, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire". Sure enough, later that afternoon the kid goes walking by with a bunch of chickens.
Next day the old man is out on his porch again and he sees the same kid walking by with a bunch of pussy willows and he yells out to the kid, " Hey kid, wait fer me!" :D :D :D

[BangShift McT]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Santa was stacking presents around a tree on Christmas night, when he was approached by a housewife in her late thirties, dressed in a robe.

"Santa, why don't you stay a while?" To which Santa replied, "Ho! Ho! Ho! But I must go, I have all those toys to deliver, y'know!"

Undeterred, the cougar dropped the robe, revealing a body that would make any man, young or old, appreciate life.


"....well, hell, I guess I'll stay. Can't get back up the chimney with my d!ck in the way!"

[Dignlif]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

I only ever remember one when having some brews...it's a simple one.

Q: How do you get a witch pregnant?

A: You Fu#k her.

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.Now you go and behave
yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?' Joey replies; 'Four months vacation and five good leads.

[rack4u]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 3th, 10th, 17th, & 24th. Also December 1st, twice on the 8th, once on the 15th, and very likely this coming weekend.

But the good news is WalMart has wallets on sale for $1. I stocked up and bought 10. ;)

Packed mud on my window sat at the local Home Depot all day and Nothing...............................

[70chevyC-10]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Why men do not write good advice columns -

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A man was fishing offshore in beautiful conditions. His first drop began with a 65 lb Kingfish and the second produced a 20 lb snapper. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever Yellow fin tuna when his mobile phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the intensive care unit. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital. He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll have to be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

[Weldangrind]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Peewee, I hope this isn't your joke; somebody emailed it to me.

Two redneck fellas were discussing life and the economy, and one of them decided he would better himself, so he headed to the local community college. The counselor shared his thoughts after some discussion, and felt that this fella needed math, English and logic. "What's logic?" asked the redneck. The counselor replied, "Do you have a weedeater?" "Yes" said the redneck. "Well then, logic would tell me that you have a property. Logic also tells me that you have a house on that property. Since you care enough to maintain that property, logic tells me that you have a wife and family. Since you have a wife, logic tells me that you're a heterosexual." The redneck was amazed, and he rushed home to tell his buddy.

"The counselor told me I need math, English and logic", said the redneck. "What's logic?" asked his buddy. "Do you have a weedeater?" asked the redneck, to which his buddy replied no. "Then you're a queer." said the redneck.

[joe_rocket45]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

why don't witches wear panties?


so they can grip the broom better!!


=============

These four chicks take off on a road trip, one is from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Arkansas and one from Mexico.
about an hour into the trip the chick from Idaho reaches in her bag and starts throwing potatoes out the window. The girls look at her like she's crazy and ask what she's doing.
She tells them she has seen potatoes her whole life, never wants to see another and she's never going home. After a bit the girl from Nebraska starts doing the same with corn. Again the rest of the girls ask what she's doing and she tells them she has seen corn her whole life, and never wants to see another ear of corn as long as she lives. Well the Arkansas girl is inspired now, she opens the door and kicks the mexican out..

[65 L79]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

What is invisible and smells like worms ?

















A bird fart !

[oldsman71]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Can I do two? The Aunt Karen one is my alltime fave, but here's another one that's close....

RALPH GOT DRUNK AND DIED

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph?

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

' Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ralph! Wake up! You shit in the bed!'

:D :D :D :D :D funny stuff!!!!!!!!!!