'YOUR' Funniest Joke

[ksj1]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke




Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I' ll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch and tell your Mom to wait up.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. Yo u're getting a sweater again.

Santa

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Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

[olbuddybob]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Three guys are killed in a car accident on Christmas eve.

They all meet St. Peter at the gate and he says, I am sorry but you three are all going to hell.

the three guys are stunned and ask if he can make an exception.

St. Pete says, " Well it is Christmas eve, if you can each show me a symbol of Christmas I will let you into Heaven".

1st guy digs into his pocket and finds a lighter. He lights it and St. Pete asks, "what does this represent?"

1st guy says, " It's a Christmas Candle"

St. Pete is impressed and lets him in.

2nd Guy gets an idea from the first and pulls out his car keys.

St. Pete ask what are those?

2nd guy says "These are Christmas Bells"

2nd guy is allowed in

Guy three checks his pockets and cannot come up with anything.......He checks one last pocket and finds a pair of womens panties and pulls them out.

St. Peter asks what could those possibly have to do with Christmas?

3rd guy says:

They're Carols............. ;D

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said, 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry, just follow me and do whatever I tell ya.'

They went into the pub where Murphy immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.

Shamus said, 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied with a smile, 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Now drink your pint and down your whiskey. Cheers!'

They both downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, 'Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"

[revolutionary]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

What's the difference between a priest and a woman taking a bath??

A priet is known to have hope in his soul......




What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a women's track team??

A tribe of pygmies is often call a bunch of cunning runts...

[Loren]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

What is an Ono Bird?






An Ono Bird is a type of a bird with two-inch legs, and three-inch b#lls, and everytime it comes in to land it goes "ONO! ONO!". :D

[ksj1]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

An old man goes into the drugstore to buy some Viagra.
"Can I have six tablets cut in quarters?"
"I can cut them for you"Said Dan the Pharmacist
"But a quarter tablet wont give you a full erection"
"I am 96" said the old man "I dont want an erection.
"I just want it sticking out far enough so I dont piss on my slippers"

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[BangShift McT]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

We have a Lieutenant Colonel named Johnson. His first name's Mark, but we call him FatAss Johnson for pretty obvious reasons.

One day I sent one of my new guys down to the motorpool to work the phones. Due to a holiday, the whole Squadron was short-staffed. My instructions to him were simple: Answer the phone, write down all information, and that any vehicle in the motorpool can be issued except LTC Johnson's TMP Chevy Avalanche. He assured me he understood my instructions.

That afternoon, after his shift, he reported back to me, laughing. He only had one phone call all day, and it went like this:

PV2 Micha: "Motorpool, can I help you, sir/ma'am?"
...... : "Yes, Private...I need to know what vehicles are in the motorpool."
PV2 Micha: "We have ten LMTV's, seventeen HMMWV's, one CUCV, and FatAss Johnson's Avalanche."
..... : "Son, do you know who you're talking to??"
PV2 Micha: "No, sir."
..... : "This is LTC Johnson."

A quick silence, then..

PV2 Micha: "Sir, do you know who you're talking to?"
LTC Johnson: "No, I don't. Who a-"
PV2 Micha: "Bye-bye, FatAss!"

[CaminoKid]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Husband is reading Penthouse Forum and the article is telling about a women whom screams and shakes during orgasm.
He puts down the article and says to his wife,why dont you ever do that.
She replies, I do but your never here.

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

I've got a library - I could do this all day:

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What?," asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?", said Earl.

They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch!"

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask , smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[oldsman71]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

We have a Lieutenant Colonel named Johnson. His first name's Mark, but we call him FatAss Johnson for pretty obvious reasons.

One day I sent one of my new guys down to the motorpool to work the phones. Due to a holiday, the whole Squadron was short-staffed. My instructions to him were simple: Answer the phone, write down all information, and that any vehicle in the motorpool can be issued except LTC Johnson's TMP Chevy Avalanche. He assured me he understood my instructions.

That afternoon, after his shift, he reported back to me, laughing. He only had one phone call all day, and it went like this:

PV2 Micha: "Motorpool, can I help you, sir/ma'am?"
...... : "Yes, Private...I need to know what vehicles are in the motorpool."
PV2 Micha: "We have ten LMTV's, seventeen HMMWV's, one CUCV, and FatAss Johnson's Avalanche."
..... : "Son, do you know who you're talking to??"
PV2 Micha: "No, sir."
..... : "This is LTC Johnson."

A quick silence, then..

PV2 Micha: "Sir, do you know who you're talking to?"
LTC Johnson: "No, I don't. Who a-"
PV2 Micha: "Bye-bye, FatAss!"

reminds me of cheech on up in smoke,
officer says this is operation hard hat and cheech called
him lardass insted, after a simular exchange
he said "bye bye lard ass!" classic stuff :D

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Or, Bendaco (I don't know how to spell it). Heeeeeyyyy Bendaco!!!!!!

Oh no man don't call them that - that means DICK!

[Vegaman]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Why men don't write advise columns

[ksj1]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

'Excuse me; I can' t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? '

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ' Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be? '

'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere. ;D