'YOUR' Funniest Joke

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember.

My kids came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

[BangShift McT]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a seedy part of town, drinking the week away.

First mouse, built like a brick shithouse, takes a draw of his beer and says, "I'm a badass mouse. The house I live in, they put those spring-loaded traps out every mornin'. I wake up, run out, snatch the cheese right off the platform, and bench-press the bar before having my mornin' breakfast."

Second mouse downs about half his beer and snorts, "Oh yeah? See, I ain't got a nice house like you do. In my neighborhood, they put out those poison pellets. I take one each mornin', break half of a pellet up, mix it with some gasoline and some whiskey and I brush my teeth with that! If anyone here's a badass mouse, it's gotta be me!"

A quiet mouse, who up to this point had been suspiciously quiet, suddenly and without warning slams his entire beer down with one shot, smashes the mug on the bar, breaking the glass, grabs his suitcase and makes for the door.

"You can sit here and BS about who's the most badass mouse...I'm going to go home and f**k my cat."

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Who's Funnier, Teachers or cops???




Teachers
These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in
the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
but, some of these are really funny!



1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.



2. I would not allow this student to breed.



3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.



4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.



5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
achieve them.



6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to
hold it all together.



7. This child has been working with glue too much.



8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.



9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.



10.. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.



11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat
out 1,000,000 others



12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.




Cops



These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around
the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they
still have a sense of humor!



16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through..'



15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while.'



14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document.'



13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'



12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'



11.. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'



10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'



9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket.'



8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not.. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'



7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
sxxx.'



6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven.'



5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'



4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'



3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'



2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..'



AND THE WINNER IS....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here. ( In Calif. )

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is.

[rack4u]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.
"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. "Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.
A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A Texas State Trooper was patroling late at night,off the main highway.
He noticed a car parked down a side road with the interior light glowing.
He carefully approaches the car and sees a young man in the front seat reading a computer magazine.
Then he notices a young woman in the back seat filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this, he turns on his flashlight and taps on the window.
The young man rolls down the window and says "Hello Officer" !

The Trooper asks "What are you doing?"

The young man replies "I am reading a computer magazine, Sir."

Then the Trooper says "and what is she doing in the back seat?"

"She is filing her fingernails, Officer!" the young man replied!

Still puzzled by all of this the Trooper says "How old are you?"

The young man replies "22 Sir !"

"and how old is the young lady?" says the Trooper!

The young man smiles and says "She will be 18 in exactly 11 minutes, Sir !"

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

The wife came home early and found her husband in
their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a pig!' she cried. 'How
dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I want a divorce!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute,
Love, at least let me tell you what happened.'
'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, 'Say the very last words you'll ever say to me!'

And the husband began:
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady asked me for a lift.
She looked so down and out and distraught that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, shabbily dressed and very
dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll gain weight. The poor thing devoured them.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and
while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full
of holes, so I threw them away.

Therefore, she needed something else to wear. I gave her the
expensive designer jeans you bought awhile back, but don't wear
because you say they not the 'in' brand this year.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you belittled because I don't have good
taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you refuse wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique, but won't wear because your cousin bought the same pair.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued: 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help
that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please---do you have anything else that your wife
doesn't use?"

[HEMI]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Q:How do you make a hormone?

A:Don't pay her.

[Fordplay0621]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Johnny Goes into the Confessinal,
Johnny: Forgive me Father for I have sinned.
Preacher: What can you tell me about your Sins?
Johnny: I have had dirty thought about little Rebecca.
Preacher: Well Johnny she has been a naughty little girl lately to.
Johnny: I have had inpure thoughts about Karen to.
Preacher: Now Karen has been a good little girl.
Johnny: I have had impure thought of Shelly, and Diane to.
Preacher: They to have both been really naughty, and I dont know what to do with them.

This goes on for about a half hour. and the Preacher gives Johnny his Penence and sends him on his way.

Johnny finnally gets outside and the other Boys ask him what he confessed?
John replied: Well the preacher was kinda tough on his Penence,
but I did get at least 9 or 10 names of the girls that will do it.

[Caddyman]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

My wifes favorite joke...(college bartender).


Q. How do you know your waitress is mad at you?

A. She leaves the string in your Bloody Mary.

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their
car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly,
out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses
through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says
Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican ," says Sister Helen .

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the #### off the windshield! "

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her.
Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, 'Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?'

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle? '

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, 'Madame, I'm very sorry to say I can not tell you that.'

Outraged, she demanded to know the price.

'Madame I am sorry, but if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.'

[Hillbilly]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Q: What's worse than a dead skunk on your piano?

A: A diseased beaver on your organ.

[67prostreet]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

One morning little Suzy hears funny noises from mom and dads room. She opens the door to see mommy bouncing up and down on daddy, startled, she screamed and closed the door. Mommy comes out to comfort little Suzy. Suzy asks, Mommy what where you doing to daddy. Mommy thinks quickly and says, You see, daddy has a lot of air in his tummy and I was bounce on him to get it all out. Suzy says OK but the lady next door is just going to blow daddy back up again.