'YOUR' Funniest Joke

[pdub]

It's the holiday season, and mirth abounds. There's lots of threads here with jokes, sorry to start another one, but what the heck. Don't shoot me. After all, it's the holidays.

Everybody has their own sense of humor, and I'll pull my pants down and say, this one does it for me. For some reason, I can't get away from this one. This is perhaps the ... well, it does it for me:

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.

She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and hurt her when she landed.

And then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, and then she killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she beat the last one to death with the empty whisky bottle.'

'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'

[speed service]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Christmas break was upon the kid's at school, So Mrs Smith told her class she was going to give out three passes to go home early if the kid's could tell her who said these "famous quotes"

First quote " Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country"

lil Timmy just knew the answer but but just could not get it out !!

Lil Becky speeks up.. John F Kennedy!!! Very good becky.. you can go now

Timmy was upset..he wanted so bad to leave early !!!

Second quote " I have a dream"

Timmy..Once again knew the answer but just could not get it out in time..

Lil Monica shouts out "Dr Martin Luther King" very good Monica you may go early....

Timmy was getting pissed and knew he needed to get the last one or would have to stay untill the end day!!

Third and last quote "You can not help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves"

Timmy just knew the answer but once again was late to give the answer..and was furious

Lil Sandy shouts out ..Abraham Lincoln are 16th president !!! Mrs smith.. "very very good Sandy that was great.. Sandy grabed her things and headed out the door and the day was not even half over.

Timmy was SO pissed off..Face was red..As Mrs smith walked back to the head of the class Timmy let out " them bitches need to keep there mouths shut"... Mrs Smith spun around in shock and yelled WHO SAID THAT !!! Timmy stoud up and said "Tiger Woods Mrs Smith .....can I go now?"

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Two Woodpeckers...

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that
he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to
peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[TC]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 3th, 10th, 17th, & 24th. Also December 1st, twice on the 8th, once on the 15th, and very likely this coming weekend.

But the good news is WalMart has wallets on sale for $1. I stocked up and bought 10. ;)

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Proof of who is your best friend

This will dispel all rumours. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and wife in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, you'll find out which one is really happy to see you.

[mustang13]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Cam got off the school bus with this one Friday

What is the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods-


Santa stopped at three Ho's

[rexdogg]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Not the funniest, but....an elderly couple was sitting around the breakfast table one morning, talking and remembering fifty years together. One story led to another, when the lady said to her husband, "you know, my ni**les are just as hot for you now as they were fifty years ago." "Well, they should be," the husband replied, "because one is in your coffee, and the other is in your oatmeal."

[mustang13]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A Walrus takes his car that is acting up into the local repair shop

The mechanic tells him to go across the street for lunch, and he should have an answer when the Walrus gets back.

After lunch, the Walrus returns, the mechanic says " you blew a seal"

The Walrus says " no, I had vanilla ice cream for desert"

[JOES66FURY]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Little Johnny and his Grandpa go fishing

After a a bit Grandpa cracks a beer and little johnny asks if
he can have some

Grandpa asks if little johnny can touch his a$$ with his D!(K
Johnny says no, grandpa says..well then your too little

Later Grandpa fires up a smoke and little Johnny asks if he can have a drag
again Grandpa asks if little johnny can touch his a$$ with his D!(K
Johnny says no, grandpa says..well then your too little

Round about lunch time, johnny pulls out a homemade chocolate chip cookie
grandma packed for him...and Granpa asks, Hey Johhny that looks good, how about a bite...

Johnny thinks, and says..I dunno Grandpa, can you touch your a$$ with your D!(K

Grandpa says...Well hell yeah I can...and little Johnny replies...


GOOD GO F*(K YOURSELF, THESE ARE MINE!!!

[SuperBuickGuy]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A couple is on their way to a church to be married. Unfortunately, on the way to the chapel there was a terrible accident and they were both killed. As they are travelling to the pearly gates, they get into a discussion about whether or not they can be married in heaven. They don't know, so when they get to the gates they ask Peter whether or not they can be married. Peter says "I don't know, the question hasn't come up before.","you wait here and I'll go find an answer." A few months pass. During the wait, the couple realize that eternity is a long time to be married, so they wonder whether or not they can be divorced. Peter finally returns and says "good news, you can get married in heaven." The couple look at each other then ask, "well, that's wonderful but if, after spending such time together, we wished to seek other options?"
Peter sighs and says "It took me months to find a priest in heaven, do you have any idea how much more time it will take to find a lawyer?!!"

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Little Johnny and his Grandpa go fishing

After a a bit Grandpa cracks a beer and little johnny asks if
he can have some

Grandpa asks if little johnny can touch his a$$ with his D!(K
Johnny says no, grandpa says..well then your too little

Later Grandpa fires up a smoke and little Johnny asks if he can have a drag
again Grandpa asks if little johnny can touch his a$$ with his D!(K
Johnny says no, grandpa says..well then your too little

Round about lunch time, johnny pulls out a homemade chocolate chip cookie
grandma packed for him...and Granpa asks, Hey Johhny that looks good, how about a bite...

Johnny thinks, and says..I dunno Grandpa, can you touch your a$$ with your D!(K

Grandpa says...Well hell yeah I can...and little Johnny replies...


GOOD GO F*(K YOURSELF, THESE ARE MINE!!!

HAHahhahahaouuyrpypiafho;ha;iigigHHAhahAHAhaHWoifo ia[rh'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[oldsman71]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

this bear, was in a bar, having a beer
a lady came in and started giving the bear some trouble
the bear got upset and said "lady leave me alone Im trying
to enjoy my beer" but the lady continues to disrespect the bear.
a cop setting near by said "lady shut yer hole and let the bear
enjoy his beer" but she continued to annoy the bear.
Soon the bear had all he could take and he grabbed the old tramp
and gobbled her up, and washed her down with the last of his beer.
he looked at the cop sadly and told him "go ahead and take me in"
after the cop read him his rights, he said, "I know I cant eat just
anyone that annoys me, sorry man"
but the cop said "No im booking you on a drug charge,
that was a bar-bitch-you-ate!!!" :D :D :D

[sedandelivery55]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A new priest and the old priest were standing on the steps of the church greeting all the parishioners coming to church on his first sunday. The elder priest was introducing the new priest and telling him about the people as they went in. He warned him about one lady, Mother Green, that always had an opinion on the sermons. "She is one hard person to please." He said. All through introductions, the young priest kept asking, "Is that Mother Green?" The elderly priest kept telling him "No, I doesn't know where she is, usually she is here by now." When services were scheduled to start, they went in to the church and started services. Just as they were getting started, the doors opened and a striking middle aged woman enters. She struts right to the front pew and sits where the priests can see her. As she sits there with her legs open and sprawled out, the elderly priest noticed she isn't wearing underclothes. He tries to ignore the sight but hasn't much luck. About this time the young priest nudges him and asks, "Is that Mother Green." The elderly priest, without thinking, answers "I don't think so, I think it's the way the lights are shining off her bush."

[457Brodix]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A man walked into a very Hi-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. the robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

the man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The Robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered "oh about 164."

the robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs' and etc.....


The man was impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat.

Again the robot clicked and asked what would he have? "A martini please."

Again it was suburb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100."

So this time the Robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest Basketball scores and what to expect out of the Dodgers next season.


The guy had to try it one more time, so he left, returned and took a stool. Again a martini and the question, "What is your IQ?"

The man this time drawled out "Uh..... bout 50"

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,








A-r-e y-o-u p-e-o-p-l-e s-t-i-l-l h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?

[smallblockjay]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Since it is Christmas....

Little Johnny was sitting in the living room playing with the model train he got for Christmas while his mother was in the kitchen.

Little Johnny let the train go around and stopped it as it got to the station. Little Johnny said, "All you sumb!ches wanna get on, get on. All you sumb!ches wanna get off, get off."

Little Johnny's mom thought she heard this and walked to the door to watch. Little Johnny turned the train back on and watched it go around. He again stopped it at the station and said, "All you sumb!ches wanna get on, get on. All you sumb!ches wanna get off, get off."

Little Johnny's mom comes in there, spanks him and told him to go to his room for 1 hour.

1 hour later, little Johnny came out of this room and asked his mom if he could play with his train again. His mom told him, "yes, but you have to play nice."
Little Johnny turned the train on and watched it go around. He stopped it as it got to the station and said, "All you nice people that want to get on, get on. All you nice people that want to get off, get off. All you sumb!ches complaining 'cause the train's an hour late, talk to the b!ch in the kitchen."