'YOUR' Funniest Joke

[oldsman71]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Q: What's worse than a dead skunk on your piano?

A: A diseased beaver on your organ.

eeeeewwwwwww yuck lol
welcome to bangshift

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

A guy says to his mate, "What?s up you look upset ?"
"Upset ?" he says, "Of course I?m upset, Dave?s dead."
"Dave?s dead, what happened ?"
"He came home the other night and the brakes on his car failed, went straight through the wall and hit the concrete doorstep, car stood up on end and he went through the steel roof and up through the bedroom window."
"All the window glass shatters and comes down on his back."
"Oh no what a terrible way to go."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"He gets up and grabs onto the wardrobe which begins to come down on top of him, he reaches up with his left hand and grabs the light, the big chandelier, and that comes down and cuts his face to smithereens, then the wardrobe smashes him into the bedroom floor"
"Oh my god, I?m terribly..............."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"He gets up and pulls down the loft ladder, goes up to try and pull up all the wiring, as he does his foot goes through the ceiling, so he reaches out for the header tank, 1000 gallons, to balance himself, the tank comes away and pours water all over him sending him back onto the floor below."
"Then the tank comes down onto him caving in all his ribs."
Oh no, what a dreadful way to go."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"As he gets up he goes over the bannister which comes away, follows him down and the rods go through him pinning him to the floor, blood everywhere."
Oh my god, what a way to die."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"He pulls the bannisters out and staggers into the kitchen, water slopping about all over the floor."
"He catches his toe under the carpet, falls forward and puts his head through the wall where all the light switches are, cables wrapping around his head, several hundred volts are now coursing through his body...........zzzzzzzzz.........zzzzzzzzzzz...... ....zzzzzzzzz."
"Oh no certainly a terrible death."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"Hang on a minute, hang on, how did he die ?"
"I shot him."
"Why the heck did you shoot him ?"
"He was wrecking the ####ing place !!!! "

[457Brodix]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke


Supposedly this was real and I've seen it before but I thought it was worth passing around one more time.




AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a..m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ..... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

The Senior Citizen Road Trip !

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn ' t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated she became. He just wouldn ' t let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you ' re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card".

[rack4u]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Why you should never question a drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, ?You must be single.?

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict?s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said ?Well, you know what, you?re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that??

The drunk replied, ?Cause you?re ugly.?

[pdub]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Got this one on email today - it won't make it to the website:

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.


There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"


He says, "O. K., Get in the car with it."


Where shall I put it to get it warm?"


He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."


"But what about the smell?"


"Just hold its little nose."


The man is expected to recover; but the frozen skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[SuperBuickGuy]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

time to resurrect

THE PORCH


A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra
money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman"
and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How
much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything
she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does
she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave
it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it
to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's
a Lexus."

[malc]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

California Love Story.

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex,
she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles,
something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied,

"I Really Miss Mine!"

[67prostreet]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

How to start a fight......

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

[RMonte]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Why are wifes just like clothes?

Just because you made your purchase doesn't mean you can't keep shopping.

[rjfscorpio711]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

This is a joke about a guy who has a job that requires him to be away from home for months at a time. His latest assignment just completed and flying home. A co-worker and himself are on a flight that will land at his local airport in the middle of the night. He grabs a ride with his buddy and on the way his friend asks what's the first thing he's going to do when he get's home. He say's Im going to sneak in real quiet and do something nice for the little lady. His buddy nods in agreement. As the car pulls in the drive he checks his watch 3:30am and the house is dark. He unlocks the front door and gently steps in. He tip-toes upstairs and down the hall. The bedroom door is ajar and he looks in. He gets on his hands and knees and crawls to the foot of the bed and puts his head under the sheets. Gently he spreads her legs and provides the best "servicing" he could. After moans of appreciation he walks to the bathroom and flips on the light and is startled to see his wife peeing on the bowl. He shouts "What are you doing here!?!" She turns to him with her finger to her lips and says "Shhhhh, you'll wake your Mom!" .......sick huh? But I bet you'll tell it to all your friends!

[Eagle Kammback]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

I came up with this one a couple months ago, thought it was funny

To my dad
"If you were on facebook, I'd tag you as a picture of Chester Cheetah, because you are Dangerously Cheesy"

[rjfscorpio711]

Re: 'YOUR' Funniest Joke

Elena Bobbitt is the girl who cut off her husbands peter while he was asleep. After she did it she took off down the road in her car. After a few minutes she realized she still had her husbands pud in her hand and threw it out the sunroof in disgust. It flew out and landed with a loud thud on the windshield of an elderly couple who was driving behind her. Startled, the old woman in the car looked at her husband and said "Oh, my was that a bug?!?" The old man looked back and said '"I don't know. But if it was, did you see the size of the dick on that thing!?!"