Best One-Liners

[pdub]

OK don't judge!

I was outside the building having a smoke one day and an uppity 20 something told me second hand smoke kills.....
to which I answered not nearly fast enough

You GO Gail! I had a similar experience on a motel balcony on the West Coast. I don't have a one-liner to go with that, though.

And Scott, Grandpa was right. Learn how to drive. But out there you have 20-somethings in Ferraris (here's my Redneck prejudice kicking in) who have a whole lot more money than brains, not enough to know that the foot is connected to the throttle and the hands are connected to the steering wheel, and that the combination of those two thereof can yield tragic consequences, no matter who you THINK you are.

[oletrux4evr]

'My dog ain't in that fight".....

[BangShift McT]

Most of the one-liners are either too raunchy for this site or are overquoted. But my favorite ever was a paraphrased version I let loose on an E-5 who decided his three-day promotion meant he could take troops away from my squad:

"I'd f*cking slap you but I don't want shit splattered everywhere."

Glad my temper has mellowed with age. *snickers*

[Monk]

If bullshit was music, you'd be a brass band

[BluLightning]

If it's got t*ts or wheels, it's gonna cost you money.

[Caveman Tony]

My wiseass defensive coordinator in college was upbraiding a kid who was late for practice... the kid tries to give the "I was taking a test" excuse...

To which the coach answered loudly (visualize this, it helps):

"Remember! Academics come first! (he holds up two fingers) and football comes second! (as he holds up ONE finger)

HA!

[Caveman Tony]

And then there was the Chief Master Sergeant who told me:

"I don't trust anybody talkin' about 'Safety', unless he's missin' a finger or two."

[oldsman496]

My momma wouldn't raise no dumb kids. That's why I had to live with my aunt.


My Grandpa once said to me -

"Son, Ya don't git none if'n ya don't ask for it."

'course we was all sittin' around the thanksgiving dinner table, but that one applies to a lot of things in life!

[Monk]

From boot camp
'We're here to protect democracy, not practice it'

[1badmonkey]

poo in one hand, want in the other... see which one fills up first

[JOES66FURY]

Mine is "this would be a great job if they got rid of the airplanes".

The other I use is, "I love Day Shift,except for the hours".
I've been on 1430-2230 for about 15 years,and secound shift type hours sence 1982.

I can relate....


Had this convo with an old boss

Joe, say *pop*

Okay *pop*

Alright, now that your head is out of your ass we can do this the right way.

[DanStokes]

I said this in a meeting at EPA. Wish I could remember the circumstance but it's the ultimate disclaimer:

"No one could have done that but someone else".

I'm sure it had meaning at the time.

And from C. Don Paulsell, an engineer at the lab:

"A difference isn't a difference unless it makes a difference".

Dan

[PatricksDad]

This one needs a little set-up.

A group of co-workers and I were hanging out in a casino bar in Vegas, waiting to go to dinner. A favorite Vegas past-time of our was called "spot the working girls". A somewhat bitchy marketing rep said something like "How come you didn't pick me? I could pass for one". After an uncomfortable pause, one of my techs said "Nah. You'd starve".

[TheSilverBuick]

'Randal, you have the most expensive $600 car on the planet"

[Vegaman]

A personal favorite ... If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose