Joke thread

[SuperBuickGuy]

Oatmeal Topping.
A tough old cattleman from Texas counseled his granddaughter
that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle
a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, then she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25
great-great-grandchildren, and a
40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[SuperBuickGuy]

TIMELESS SPORTS QUOTES FROM SOME FORMER PROS YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD


"Last year we couldn't win at home and we were
losing on the road. My failure as a coach was
that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach


"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver


"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can die just after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer


"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'"
- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher


"When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver


"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them."
- Tommy LaSorda ,LA Dodgers manager

"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."
- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations


"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good."
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor


"When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax's."
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery


"I don't know. I only played there for nine years."
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles

"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost."
- John Breen, Houston Oilers


"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to
The Atlanta Falcons

"He can take his'n and beat yourn, or he can take yourn and beat his'n."
- Bum Phillips comment about the coaching ability of Don Shula, head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher


"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner


"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day."
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage
Ceremony was before noon.


"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball."
- Lou Holtz ,Arkansas football coach


"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday."
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game


"I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George.'
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting


"I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you."
- Bill Walton, Portland trail Blazers

"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team
Roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.


"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday."
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach

[pdub]

Personal Ad Translations
A List of Abbreviations in the "Women Seeking Men" Classifieds:

Code Word: 40-ish
Really Means: 48

Code Word: Adventurous
Really Means: Has had more partners than you ever will

Code Word: Affectionate
Really Means: Possessive

Code Word: Artist
Really Means: Unreliable

Code Word: Athletic
Really Means: Flat chested

Code Word: Average looking
Really Means: Ugly

Code Word: Beautiful
Really Means: Pathological liar

Code Word: Commitment-minded
Really Means: Pick out curtains, now!

Code Word: Communication important
Really Means: Just try to get a word in edge-wise

Code Word: Contagious Smile
Really Means: Bring your penicillin

Code Word: Educated
Really Means: College dropout

Code Word: Emotionally Secure
Really Means: Medicated

Code Word: Employed
Really Means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home

Code Word: Enjoys art and opera
Really Means: Snob

Code Word: Enjoys Nature
Really Means: Bring your own granola

Code Word: Exotic Beauty
Really Means: Would frighten a Martian

Code Word: Feminist
Really Means: Fat; ball buster

Code Word: Financially Secure
Really Means: One paycheck from the street

Code Word: Free spirit
Really Means: Substance user

Code Word: Friendship first
Really Means: Trying to live down reputation as slut

Code Word: Fun
Really Means: Annoying

Code Word: Gentle
Really Means: Comatose

Code Word: Good Listener
Really Means: Borderline Autistic

Code Word: Humorous
Really Means: Caustic

Code Word: Intuitive
Really Means: Your opinion doesn't count

Code Word: In Transition
Really Means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills

Code Word: Light drinker
Really Means: Lush

Code Word: Looks younger
Really Means: If viewed from far away in bad light

Code Word: Loves Travel
Really Means: If you're paying

Code Word: Loves Animals
Really Means: Cat lady

Code Word: Mature
Really Means: Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did

Code Word: New-Age
Really Means: All body hair, all the time

Code Word: Non-tradional
Really Means: Ex-husband lives in the basement

Code Word: Old-fashioned
Really Means: Lights out, missionary position only

Code Word: Open-minded
Really Means: Desperate

Code Word: Outgoing
Really Means: Loud

Code Word: Passionate
Really Means: Loud

Code Word: Petite
Really Means: Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins

Code Word: Poet
Really Means: Depressive Schzophrenic

Code Word: Professional
Really Means: Bitch

Code Word: Redhead
Really Means: Shops on the Clairol aisle

Code Word: Reliable
Really Means: Frumpy

Code Word: Reubenesque
Really Means: Grossly Fat

Code Word: Romantic
Really Means: Looks better by candle light

Code Word: Self-employed
Really Means: Jobless

Code Word: Smart
Really Means: Insipid

Code Word: Special
Really Means: Road the short schoolbus

Code Word: Spiritual
Really Means: Involved with a cult

Code Word: Stable
Really Means: Boring

Code Word: Tall, thin
Really Means: Anorexic

Code Word: Tan
Really Means: Wrinkled

Code Word: Voluptuous
Really Means: Very Fat

Code Word: Weight proportional to height
Really Means: Hugely Fat

Code Word: Wants Soulmate
Really Means: One step away from stalking

Code Word: Widow
Really Means: Nagged first husband to death

Code Word: Writer
Really Means: Pompous

Code Word: Young at heart
Really Means: Old Toothless Fogie

[malc]

Yup......that´s my first wife right there......

[malc]

SAFER AT HOME

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've placed two Pakistani flags in my front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, FBI, and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never been safer!

[LORENSWIFE]

A young man named Chuck bought a Horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well then just five me my money back."

The Farmer said, "Can't do that, I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The Farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The Farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, " I raffled hime off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."

The Farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

[malc]

.......Stole that one......

[malc]

What do ISIS want for Christmas?..........................Turkey........ .......apparently.

[SuperBuickGuy]

A young man named Chuck bought a Horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well then just five me my money back."

The Farmer said, "Can't do that, I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The Farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The Farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, " I raffled hime off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495."

The Farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government.

best one yet IMO

[STINEY]

What's the President's favorite food?








Give up?

Scroll down....


























































Barackoli!

[SuperBuickGuy]

What's the President's favorite food?








Give up?

Scroll down....


























































Barackoli!

I don't get it.

[STINEY]

Michelle....healthy food.....Barack.....Broccoli........its funny, just laugh like my kids do.

[nesabo]

its a tough crowd Stiney

[tedly]

Michelle....healthy food.....Barack.....Broccoli........its funny, just laugh like my kids do.

I laughed at this harder than anything else!

[malc]

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."