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  • #16
    Larry, David and Daryl were great pals. They went everywhere around town together. Everyone knew them.

    One night, there was a terrible fire at Larry's place. His house burned to the ground, and as far as anyone could tell, Larry never got out. A couple days later, David and Daryl were at the coroner's office with the depressing task of helping to identify the body that had been recovered after the fire.

    So, the coroner leads the two boys into the morgue room and pulls the sheet off the badly burned body. "Is that Larry?" the coroner asks them. "Can't tell!" they both said.

    David asks the coroner to turn the body over. "What in hell for?" the coroner asks, not believing his ears. "We'll know for sure if you do." Daryl tells him.

    So the coroner does as he was asked and turned the body over. Both David & Daryl check out the body very closely. "Nope, that ain't Larry." said David.

    "How can you tell?" asks the coroner.

    "Well, it's as plain as day that this body only has one asshole." Daryl tells him. "Everyone in town knows that Larry had two assholes."

    "WHAT?!?!?" screamed the coroner, who now had become quite aggravated.

    "Well, sure!" says David. "Everyone knows that! All the time when we'd walk around town, people would say: 'Here comes Larry with them two assholes!' "

    Comment


    • #17
      Blonde in Starbucks....

      A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it o ff and starts screaming, 'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'

      The waitress says, 'That's impossible the biggest prize is a free Lunch..?' But the blonde keeps on screaming, I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'

      Finally, the manager comes over and says, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

      The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!' and she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...







      'W I N A B A G E L'
      Doing it all wrong since 1966

      Comment


      • #18
        The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
        I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

        “Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

        “I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

        She looked at me and said:

        “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
        Charter member of the Turd Nuggets

        Comment


        • #19
          A police officerpulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."



          The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."



          Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"



          As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

          "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"



          The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."



          As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

          "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"



          The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '



          The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '



          The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



          And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '



          The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "



          (I love this part)



          "Only when he's been drinking."
          sigpic

          Just an Old Drag Racer that still has dreams of going fast!

          Comment


          • #20
            John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of
            unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him
            to change.

            One day, John came home with another one of his unusual
            purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
            It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 13 year
            old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

            'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting
            home?', they asked.
            'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
            project' said Tommy.
            The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,
            knocking him completely out of his chair.

            'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went
            after school.'
            'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

            'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
            ''The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy. The Robot went around
            to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

            With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry
            I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

            'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I
            never lied to my parents.'
            The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
            right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

            Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you
            ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all,
            He is your son!'
            The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha and decked her
            too.
            Doing it all wrong since 1966

            Comment


            • #21
              and a favorite

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              Doing it all wrong since 1966

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              • #22
                Two golfers walked up to the green after both had made pretty decent approaches. The green was across a small country lane from the local cemetery. As they both sized up their putts, a funeral procession drove past. One of the golfers took off his hat and bowed his head as the cars rolled past.

                After the last car drove by, the second golfer said to the first: "I didn't realize that you were so reverent."

                "Yeah," replied the first golfer, "I'm really going to miss her."

                Comment


                • #23
                  I'm sure I read this one here on BS, but it cracks me up every time. I know too many engineers

                  Blind Golfers
                  A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

                  Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
                  Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude.
                  Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
                  Priest: Hi George. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow today, aren't they?
                  George: Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge.

                  SILENCE.

                  Priest: That's so sad, I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
                  Doctor: Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything we can do for them.
                  Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
                  Last edited by TheSilverBuick; November 5, 2013, 09:04 AM.
                  Escaped on a technicality.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by SuperBuickGuy View Post
                    and a favorite

                    [ATTACH=CONFIG]25742[/ATTACH]
                    Previously boxer3main
                    the death rate and fairy tales cannot kill the nature left behind.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
                      One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

                      A bible

                      A silver dollar

                      A bottle of whisky

                      And a Playboy magazine.

                      'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, 'I'll see which object he picks up.
                      If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be!
                      If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
                      But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
                      And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he' s going to be a skirt-chasing bum.
                      The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
                      The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
                      With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
                      Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
                      He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this months centerfold.
                      'Lord have mercy.' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
                      'He's gonna run for Congress.'
                      --
                      Doing it all wrong since 1966

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Garage Door

                        The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper
                        was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him
                        and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your
                        garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door,
                        and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

                        As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open,
                        and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about
                        his 'garage door.'

                        He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
                        'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

                        She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan
                        with two flat tires..


                        Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center
                        were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and
                        says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
                        I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
                        Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
                        'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
                        'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


                        A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
                        'So I hear you're getting married?'
                        'Yep!'
                        'Do I know her?'
                        'Nope!'
                        'This woman, is she good looking?'
                        'Not really.'
                        'Is she a good cook?'
                        'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
                        'Does she have lots of money?'
                        'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
                        'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
                        'I don't know.'
                        'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
                        'Because she can still drive!'


                        Three old guys are out walking.
                        First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
                        Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
                        Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


                        A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
                        It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
                        'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
                        ' Twelve thirty..'


                        Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
                        A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with
                        a gorgeous young woman on his arm
                        A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
                        'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
                        Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma
                        and be cheerful.''
                        The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart
                        murmur; be careful.'



                        One more. . ...!

                        A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
                        parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
                        After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
                        The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
                        'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
                        Doing it all wrong since 1966

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!
                           

                          Men can read smaller
                          print than women can; women can hear better.
                          ------------
                          Coca-Cola was originally green.
                          ------------
                          It is impossible to lick
                          your elbow.
                          ------------
                          The State with the
                          highest percentage of people who walk to work:
                          Alaska
                          ------------
                          The percentage of
                          Africa that is wilderness: 28%
                          (now get this...)
                          ------------
                          The percentage of
                          North America that is wilderness: 38%
                          ------------
                          The cost of raising
                          a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
                          $ 16,400
                          ------------
                          The average number of people airborne over the U.S.
                          in any given hour:
                          61,000
                          ------------
                          Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..
                          ------------
                          The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
                          ------------
                          The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile
                          National Monuments.
                          ------------
                          Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
                          Spades - King David
                          Hearts - Charlemagne
                          Clubs -Alexander, the Great
                          Diamonds - Julius Caesar
                          ------------
                          111,111,111 x
                          111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
                          ------------
                          If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
                          If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
                          If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
                          ------------
                          Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
                          John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
                          Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
                          -----------
                          Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
                          A. Their birthplace
                          ------------
                          Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
                          What is the most popular boat name requested?
                          A.
                          Obsession
                          ------------
                          Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,
                          how far would you have to go until you
                          would find the letter 'A'?
                          A. One thousand
                          ------------
                          Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
                          windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
                          A. All were invented
                          by women.
                          ------------
                          Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
                          A. Honey
                          ------------
                          Q. Which day are there more collect calls
                          than any other day of the year?
                          A. Father's Day
                          ------------
                          In Shakespeare's time,
                          mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
                          When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
                          ------------
                          It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
                          his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
                          Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
                          which we know today as the honeymoon.
                          -----------
                          In English pubs, ale
                          is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . .
                          It's where we get
                          the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
                          ------------
                          Many years ago in
                          England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked
                          into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
                          When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
                          inspired by this practice.
                          ------------
                          At least 75% of people who read this will try
                          to lick their elbow!
                          ------------
                          YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING
                          IN 2013
                          when...
                          1. You accidentally
                          enter your PIN on the microwave.
                          2. You haven't
                          played solitaire with real cards in years.
                          3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
                          to reach your family of three.
                          4. You e-mail the person who
                          works at the desk next to you.
                          5. Your reason for not staying in touch
                          with friends and family is that they
                          don't have e-mail addresses.
                          6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
                          cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
                          carry in the groceries...
                          7. Every commercial on television
                          has a web site at the bottom of the screen
                          8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
                          which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
                          you turn around to go and get it
                          10. You get up in the morning and go on line
                          before getting your coffee
                          11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
                          12 You're reading this and
                          nodding and laughing.
                          13. Even worse, you know exactly
                          to whom you are going to forward this message.
                          14. You are too busy
                          to notice there was no #9 on this list.
                          15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
                          sigpic

                          Just an Old Drag Racer that still has dreams of going fast!

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            This is Stiney's oldest son.

                            knock-knock. Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow MOOO!!! Funny?
                            Of all the paths you take in life - make sure a few of them are dirt.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Great Weekend!




                              A balding, white haired man from Naples , Florida , walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

                              He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
                              The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
                              At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
                              The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
                              On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said: 'There's no money in that account.'
                              'I know,' said the old man,

                              'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
                              sigpic

                              Just an Old Drag Racer that still has dreams of going fast!

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                A rabbit was hopping through the woods and came across a bear. The rabbit was sure he was lunch for the bear and trembled in fear. The bear stared down at the rabbit. The bear snatched up the rabbit, looked him over and over. Finally the bear said "do you have trouble with poop sticking to your fur?". The trembling rabbit said "no". So the bear wiped his butt with him.

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