Joke thread

[SuperBuickGuy]

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...



A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got

back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother,

"so how was the honeymoon?"

Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So

romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we

returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd

never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got

to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your

husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT

4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so

embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother

these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[SuperBuickGuy]

[OldMachinist]

A man dies and goes to heaven where he meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
He notices there are clocks everywhere and all show a different time so questions St. Peter about them.
St. Peter replies the clocks represent people both living and dead and the times indicate how many lies these people have told.
The man notices a clock at 12 o'clock and asks whose clock that is.
St. Peter replies that is Mother Teresa's clock. She never told a lie her whole life.
The man asks about a clock showing 12:01 and St. Peter tells him it was Abe Lincoln's clock.
The man is totally amazed at this and asks where is Obama's clock?
St. Peter replies that Jesus has it in his family room and is using it for a ceiling fan.

[Eagle Kammback]

[SuperBuickGuy]

Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said , 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Lou isiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

And this from South Carolina

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

[Barry Donovan]

A man dies and goes to heaven where he meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
He notices there are clocks everywhere and all show a different time so questions St. Peter about them.
St. Peter replies the clocks represent people both living and dead and the times indicate how many lies these people have told.
The man notices a clock at 12 o'clock and asks whose clock that is.
St. Peter replies that is Mother Teresa's clock. She never told a lie her whole life.
The man asks about a clock showing 12:01 and St. Peter tells him it was Abe Lincoln's clock.
The man is totally amazed at this and asks where is Obama's clock?
St. Peter replies that Jesus has it in his family room and is using it for a ceiling fan.

I just found something with saints in it.

from the national archives. I was looking up weather for 1913-1914.

That saint stuff did fade away, even in my life. the whole concept a quiet concept..

[Grumpy]

Grins and Snickers

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"


Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.


The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they have just passed.


All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"


Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute!


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"


John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man.
He says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."


I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

[SuperBuickGuy]

After Chelsea Clinton returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you'?

Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'

[SuperBuickGuy]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger,

fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the

same,' says the ostrich.



A short time later the waitress returns with the order ' That will be

$9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out

the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich

come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The

ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'



Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the

waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato

and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.




Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and

places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity

any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come

up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”



'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic

and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and

offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay

for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right

amount of money would always be there.' 'That's brilliant!' says

the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or

something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long

as you live!''That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls

Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.



The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' The man sighs,

pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a

big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[big dreamer racing]

The doctor is amazed at what good shape Darrin Johnson is in and asks "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm from Montana and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish" says the old guy, "And that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before day light riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well.
"Well" says the doctor, " I'm sure that helps, but there has to be more to it. How old was your father when he died ?"
"Who said my father is dead?"
The doctor is amazed "You mean you are 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"
" He is 100 years old," says the old guy " In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and had a little beer and that's why he is still alive He is a Montana rancher and he hunts and fishes too"
" Well" the doctor says " that's great, but I'm sure I'm sure there is more to it than that, how about your father's father? How old was he when he died?" " Who said my grandpa is dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, " You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?"
"He is 118 years old," says the man. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point , "so, I guess he went hunting with you this morning this morning too?" "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he is getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married, Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

[pdub]

Amish Lady Driver

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.

"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

[SuperBuickGuy]

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. He is greeted at the pearly gates by St Peter.
"Henry, we are so glad to see you. You have been granted any wish you want." Henry says, "I would like an audience with the Lord."
"Granted", and poof, he is with him.
And the Lord says, "Henry, why do you wish to meet with me?"
"Well Lord, I just wanted to know what you feel was YOUR best invention. Mine was the Model T Ford."
"Well, I would have to say women."Says the Lord.
"Henry replies, "I can name at least 10 flaws with women."
"They break down for 5 days every month, their rear end is loose, they are top heavy, they make loud noises,.........." The Lord interrupts;
"Henry, I can assure you, more men will ride a women than will ever ride in a Ford."

[SuperBuickGuy]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ...and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless.'

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled,
'Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and squealed...

'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her w innings
and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'

Moral of this story ---


Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men ..... are men.

[groucho]

A guy's hauling ass down the street and runs a red light. His passenger says WTF are you doing? He says my brother does this all the time. After a couple more times he slams on the brakes and stops for a green light. Passenger, WTF are you stopping for a GREEN light? He says my brother might be coming the other way!

[Grumpy]

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."