Joke thread

[silver_bullet]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

[malc]

Susan is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.

She goes to the door and opens it.

Susan sees a guy standing in front of the door.

He asks the her, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?”

She slams the door in angrily.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same guy and he asks the same question to her, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?”

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband Jason comes home from work Susan tells him what has happened for the last two days.

Jason tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Darling, I am taking a day off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

Jason whispers to Susan, “Honey, I´m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question
because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same guy is standing there, he asks, “Hello! Do you have a Vagina?”

“Yes I do.” she says.

The guy replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”

[SuperBuickGuy]

[malc]

[fatguyzinc]

ok, this might be mildly offensive to some people...
i however have a REALLY bizzare sense of humor,
so i thought it was funny. if it offends, sorry in advance..........

whats black and crispy and sits at the top of a stairwell?
stephen hawking....after a house fire.

[Loren]

Anyone remember the arms-and-legs jokes? Such as, what do you call a girl with one leg (Eileen)? They went on and on, awful and usually funnier if people were smoking something too...

[70chevyC-10]

What do you call a dog with no legs ? Doesn't matter, he won't come any way.

[fatguyzinc]

Anyone remember the arms-and-legs jokes? Such as, what do you call a girl with one leg (Eileen)? They went on and on, awful and usually funnier if people were smoking something too...

my favorite one of those--
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs
laying in a big pile of leaves?

"russle"..............

[Deaf Bob]

Guy in a hot tub with no arms n legs?
BOB!

[70chevyC-10]

No arms, no legs, front porch - ? Matt

[SuperBuickGuy]

throwing a guy with no arms or legs across a pond....
Skip

[fatguyzinc]

Anyone remember the arms-and-legs jokes? Such as, what do you call a girl with one leg (Eileen)...

so then....... asian girl with one leg = irene ?!?!?!!!

[67 Malibu]

so then....... asian girl with one leg = irene ?!?!?!!!

And..........don't let her drive your car either.

[fatguyzinc]

sadly, seeing a fat chicks camel toe thru her leopard print tights at
walmart at 3am is the closest i will ever get to a low budget african safari...........

[70chevyC-10]

sports funnies -

Subject: Views on Sports
“Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to ...play.”
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
"Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."
- Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver (A Fresno boy)
"I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."
- Doug Sanders, professional golfer
"All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'"
- Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
"When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."
- Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
"I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad you're having them."
- Tommy LaSorda, LA Dodgers manager
"My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."
- E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations
"My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good."
- Vic Braden, tennis instructor
"When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax's."
- Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery
"I don't know. I only played there for nine years."
- Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles
"We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost."
- John Breen, Houston Oilers
"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."
- Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
"When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."
- Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
"I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."
- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
"Because if it didn't work out, I didn't want to blow the whole day."
- Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon
"I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball."
- Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach
"I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday."
- Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
"I tell him 'Attaway to hit, George.'"
- Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
Sport quotes
"I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you."
- Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers
"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."
- George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
"The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday."
- Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
Two favorites are Hugh "Duffy" Daugherty when asked if he had any superstitions: "Only superstition I have is that it's bad luck to be behind at the end of the game!" and of course John McKay, after a pathetic loss by his Tampa Bay Buccaneers when asked to comment on his team's execution: "I'm in favor of it..."
Finally, Vince Lombardi’s observation, "Football isn't a contact sport. Football is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."

See More