Joke thread

[SuperBuickGuy]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[oletrux4evr]

This might be out of line, but it's funny.

[Deaf Bob]

This might be out of line, but it's funny.

Problem is this is a joke thread.. That smacks of truth...

[SuperBuickGuy]

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet Angel the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I wakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet.
The way that it works, I explained, is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

[Eagle Kammback]

The other day, my friend asked me, "If you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?"
I responded, "Cold War Russia."

[Grumpy]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!


A man named Bob received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced
with profanity.

Bob tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Bob was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. Bob shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
In desperation, Bob threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Bob quickly opened the door
to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's outstretched arms and said...
'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior.'

Bob was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic
change in his behavior, then the bird continued:

'Now, sir...May I ask what the turkey did?'

[SuperBuickGuy]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good
idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[SuperBuickGuy]

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.

'Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out
And got some milk?'

'You don't get milk from milkweed,' the farmer replied.

'Oh yes you can, ' said the young man, 'I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it.'

'Well, help yourself,' said the farmer.

He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.

The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch When the same young man drove up.

'Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk,

I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I Wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?'

'You don't get honey from honeysuckle,' said the farmer.

Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey.

Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.

The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's' house. 'Sir, yesterday when I was getting the
Honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the Creek.'

The farmer said, 'Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you.....'

[Schtauffer]

The first rule of hunting:

"Treat every hunter as if he were loaded."

[Grumpy]

Happy Thanksgiving!

[SuperBuickGuy]

and with that... on to Christmas

[Barry Donovan]

pussy willow, have not seen that in years. Damn tundra.

I don't have a joke but this is funny, a bit like puns.



what is dutch?

Confusion continues because: People who live in the Hollands are called Hollanders, but all citizens of the Netherlands are called Dutch as is their language. But in Dutch they say: Nederlands sprekende Nederlanders in Nederland which sounds like they'd rather we call them Netherlanders speaking Netherlandish. Meanwhile, next door in Germany, they're Deutsche sprechen Deutsch in Deutschland. Which sounds like they'd rather be called Dutch.
This linguistic confusion is why Americans call the Pennsylvania Dutch Dutch even though they're Germans.

humans, all crazy people.

[SuperBuickGuy]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?" "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Blue Cross recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[SuperBuickGuy]

THE BARBER


A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....
'Your house'

[SuperBuickGuy]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology, which led to a discussion about happy and sad, and whether the feelings were mutually exclusive.

He turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."