Joke thread

[Tubbed Pacecar]

A woman walks into a bar and sees a man with his feet up on a table, wearing the biggest pair of cowboy boots she's ever seen. She walks over and asks him if its true that a man's shoe size is proportional to the size of his "torque wrench". He says they should go to his place and find out. After some time has passed, the lady gets dressed, lays a $100 bill on his dresser, and heads for the door. The man says "I've never been paid that well for my services!" The woman turns around and says "Don't flatter yourself, buy the right size boots with it!"

[cstmwgn]

Two good old southern boys walked into a restaurant.
While having abite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation, trucks, etc.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich began to cough.
After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.
One of the rednecks looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shook her head no.
Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

One of the good ole redneck southern boys walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm and the obstruction flew out of her mouth.

As she began to breathe again, the redneck walked slowly back to his table.

His buddy said, "Ya know, I'd heerd 'bout that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

[Beagle]

a guy walks into the bar last night with this for an opener

"I've been married 38 years, and my wife explained it like this. A man is like a good tile floor. Lay it right once and you can walk on it for the rest of your life!"

[stroker al]

a guy walks into the bar last night with this for an opener

"I've been married 38 years, and my wife explained it like this. A man is like a good tile floor. Lay it right once and you can walk on it for the rest of your life!"

Wife says this is good not so for us men!

[Tubbed Pacecar]

Copied & Pasted from Slick60s forum


A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his F100 and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again.

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

[SuperBuickGuy]

yeah. hair spray... I think that was a joke before wheels were round.

[SuperBuickGuy]

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking .

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
P.S. I don't remember who sent it to me, so if it was you, I'm sorry.

[fatguyzinc]

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age-Activated Attention-Deficit Disorder.

.

or as my mom calls it-- "C.R.S.S."
or 'cant remember sh@t syndrome'

[pdub]

Two guys were sitting on the front porch looking out at the yard. There was a dog splayed out in the yard licking his...uh...private parts.

One guy said, "I wish I could do that."

The other guy said, "Don't try it - he'll bite you."