Joke thread

[Deaf Bob]

The mystique of the leather dress

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
#Do you know that when a woman wears
a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker,
#His throat gets dry
#he gets weak in the knees,
#and he thinks irrationally
#Ever wonder why?
#It's because she smells Like a
N e w T r u c k

[jordanmorningstar]

Here in Canada, it's been so cold lately that our prime minister was spotted with his hands in his own pockets!

[SuperBuickGuy]

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for
several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with
picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach
trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He
grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch
of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went
to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,
'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond
naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here
to feed the alligator.''
Some old men can still think fast.. .....

[Deaf Bob]

#
#
Jewish Pickle Factory
#
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
#
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
#
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
#
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
#
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
#
#
#
#
#
Jewish Pickle Factory
#
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
#
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
#
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
#
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
#
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
#
#
#

#
#
Jewish Pickle Factory
#
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..
#
After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.
#
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
#
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
#
Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."
#
#
#

[Deaf Bob]

Dunno how I got triples!
My apologies!

[Deaf Bob]

#
#
#
#
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been sleeping with my wife?"
#
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

[SuperBuickGuy]

MURDER AT WALMART
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy
marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out
a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary
and then arranging to have her killed.


A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-
side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained
to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was
$10,000.


The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up
front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill
that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly
agreed to accept the note as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local
Walmart supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department
and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the
manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder
scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no
choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured
by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security
guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and
arrested before he could even leave the premises.


Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed
the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements
with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)










“ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 at Walmart”

Oh, stop groaning! I don't write this stuff, I received it a warped friend.

[Loren]

Dunno how I got triples!
My apologies!

Yeah Bob, it was only funny the first two times...

[SuperBuickGuy]

Yeah Bob, it was only funny the first two times...

good thing your ying is balanced out by Gails good yang.

[hoofhearted]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[Bamfster]

Little Juan is in 3rd grade and having a hard time with the English language. His teacher gives a class homework assignment to go home and come up with a sentence using the colors green, pink and yellow.

Little Juan is freaking out ... his home life is Spanish speaking only.

The next day, the teacher tells the class they will present their homework to the whole class. As they go around the room, all of the sentences recited are similar, such as Suzy says "I like to wear my pink dress, run around in the green grass in the warmth of the yellow sun".....

Finally it's Little Juan's turn, he stands up in front of the class, thinks to himself for a minute ..... and comes up with a sentence at the last minute ....

and in his spanglish accent says "when my phone goes green green green, I pink it up, and say yellow"?

[Grumpy]

Farm Boys


You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys.

At the Rocky Grove High School in Pennsylvania, a group of male students

played a prank on the school administrators.


They let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose,

they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.


School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.


Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.
And you thought there was nothing to do in Pennsylvania!

[SuperBuickGuy]

Pastor John's opening today: After a long life, Peyton Manning dies and goes to heaven. God greets him with and presents him with an orange and blue cabin with a Broncos flag waiving from the chimney. "This is an honor." God tells him. "Not everyone gets a house here." Peyton thanks him and starts up toward the cabin. As he does so, he sees a 3 story mansion in blue, green and white. A huge Seahawks flag flies from the masthead and 12th man flag towels hang from every window. Peyton pauses and turns to ask God. "Sir, I don't want to be ungrateful, but why did Russell Wilson get a bigger house than me?" God replied, "That's not Russell's house...it's mine."

[Bamfster]

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?.............





She was a woman!

[Deaf Bob]

#
#


#





#
The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
#
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
#
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
#
After suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
#
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered that McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
#
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
#
My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!" As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
#
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.
#