Joke thread

[malc]

So it would end up as checkmate or tasered....

[tedly]

Looks like to me the black man is beating the cop..

He's wiping the floor with him and he hasn't even moved his king or rooks yet!

[SuperBuickGuy]

He's wiping the floor with him and he hasn't even moved his king or rooks yet!

It's why the other cop is moving into position - who knew you needed armed backup when you played chess?

[tedly]

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

[malc]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with he pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his f...........!! wife" !!!!!

[LORENSWIFE]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap.
"Well, It was my first day with the hook."

[malc]

A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant.
An absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table and gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she will she him later.

The wife glares at her husband and demands "Who was that?"
"Oh" replies the husband. "That is my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw. I have had enough. I want a divorce" says the wife.

"I can understand that" replies her husband, "But just remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more winters in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more sports car in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then a colleague of the husband's enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who is that woman with Matt?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress" says her husband.
"Ours is prettier" she replies

[tedly]

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

[malc]

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Yessirree......I had to Google it..........now that´s funny.

[malc]

Wooohooo!!!
Just found $12.86 and a hat outside the train station.
I thought some guy was going to pick them up but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar.

[TheSilverBuick]

Wooohooo!!!
Just found $12.86 and a hat outside the train station.
I thought some guy was going to pick them up but he seemed more interested in playing his guitar.

[malc]

*Retired Person's Perspective*


1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably upset.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone
you've just met?
That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day.
Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.
If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[tedly]

A woman goes into a bar and orders a double entendre, so the bartender gives it to her.

[elcaminogirl59]

*Retired Person's Perspective*


1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.
People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably upset.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers.
Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone
you've just met?
That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day.
Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today.
That makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers.
If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

[SuperBuickGuy]

Manure... An interesting fact.

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas of course.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ', (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golfing term.
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