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  • Joke thread

    An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

    and if that one doesn't get me in trouble, this one should

    There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.

    One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.

    When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

    Not really, Grandpa Gene, it was boring. We didn't see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse's ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing lib, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

    We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun like when I go with you.

    Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it
    Doing it all wrong since 1966

  • #2
    Thanks - I needed that, now I have to try to explain to my fellow cube dwellers why I'm laughing.... back to analyzing data...
    There's always something new to learn.

    Comment


    • #3
      FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP


      1. it's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
      2. it's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
      3. it's important to have a woman who you can trust and doesn't lie.
      4. it's important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
      5. it's very, very important that these four don't know each other.
      "First I believe if you keep the RPM's high enough, ANYTHING is possible." PeeWee

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      • #4
        Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?...............

        She was a woman!
        Whiskey for my men ... and beer for their horses!

        Comment


        • #5
          Hear about the pimp who was dyslectic?

          He bought a warehouse
          Thom

          "The object is to keep your balls on the table and knock everybody else's off..."

          Comment


          • #6
            I moved to the beautiful North
            December 8 6:00 PM
            It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
            December 9
            We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
            Dember 10
            Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
            This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
            December 12
            The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
            December 14
            Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
            December 15
            20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
            December 16
            Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like h***. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
            December 17
            Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
            December 20
            Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the d*** stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day The d*** snowplow came by twice.
            Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
            Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
            Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
            December 22
            Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white s**** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to p***. By the time I got undressed, p***ed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy.
            I think the a**h*** is lying.
            December 23
            Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
            The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
            Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
            She says she did but I think she's lying.
            December 24
            6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b**** who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his b**** and beat him to death with my broken shovel.. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the d*** snowplow.
            December 25
            Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the d*** slop tonight - Snowed in.
            The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. D***, I hate the snow!
            Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a idiot.
            If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
            December 26
            Still snowed in. Why the h*** did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
            She's really getting on my nerves.
            December 27
            Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
            December 28
            Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B------ is driving me crazy!!!
            December 29
            10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard How dumb does he think I am?
            December 30
            Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a?. The wife went home to her mother.
            Nine more inches predicted.
            December 31
            I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
            January 8
            Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
            Why am I tied to the bed?
            =================
            sigpic

            Just an Old Drag Racer that still has dreams of going fast!

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            • #7
              I can only remember 2 jokes:
              Guy walks into a Psychiatrists office with only saran wrap tied around his waist, Dr. says, “clearly I can see your nuts”.
              What has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat.
              Last edited by mike343sharpstick; November 1, 2013, 02:31 PM.

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              • #8
                EDIT: Deaf Bob sent me this joke quite a while back to put on the website, and it was instantly my favorite text joke ever. If I've posted it here already, my apologies....

                A rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
                She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

                Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

                She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

                He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.


                For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

                Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

                One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

                Two o'clock and no hired hand.

                Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

                She quietly called him over to her.

                "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


                Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


                He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

                He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


                "Now take off my skirt."

                He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

                "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told


                and dropped it to the floor.

                Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

                (P.S. - I didn't see it coming either)
                Last edited by pdub; November 1, 2013, 01:08 PM.
                Charter member of the Turd Nuggets

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                • #9
                  WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE ON?

                  Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

                  A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

                  The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

                  The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

                  "If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

                  Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

                  Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

                  Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

                  Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

                  The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

                  The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"



                  "The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

                   
                  sigpic

                  Just an Old Drag Racer that still has dreams of going fast!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Grumpy View Post
                    WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE ON?

                    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

                    A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

                    The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

                    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

                    "If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

                    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

                    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

                    Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

                    Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

                    The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

                    The guy says, "Because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"



                    "The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

                     
                    roflmao!

                    did NOT see that coming

                    maybe I should check my heritage
                    Last edited by 68scott385; November 1, 2013, 08:30 PM.
                    http://www.bangshift.com/forum/showt...n-block-wanted

                    http://www.bangshift.com/forum/showt...-Blue-Turd(le)

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      This was my favorite joke before DB sent me the one abut the gay ranch hand. I'm almost sure I've posted this one here before, but here goes (again)....

                      The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
                      The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Ernie was left. 'Ernie, do you have a story to share?'

                      'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.

                      She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

                      She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and hurt her when she landed.

                      And then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy troops.

                      She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, and then she killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she beat the last one to death with the empty whisky bottle.'

                      'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

                      'Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking.'
                      Charter member of the Turd Nuggets

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        A terrible mini-van accident resulted in four nuns reaching the gates of heaven at once. They formed a line in front of St. Peter, to each give their one last confession...anything they had kept a secret, through all the years...before entering through.

                        The first began: "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I once...long ago...saw...a man's, well...you-know-what."

                        St. Peter assured her that she would be forgiven, if she would approach the dish in front of her and then dab a little of the holy water contained upon her eyes.

                        The second nun confessed: "Forgive me...for I once...long ago...touched...a man's, well...you-know-what. St. Peter also assured her that with her confession she need only approach the dish of holy water and dip the offending hand within.

                        Then, the fourth nun stepped up, pushed the third aside and stood resolutely in front of her!

                        An astonished St. Peter demanded to know: "Why now did you do what you have just done?"

                        "Because I want to be sticking my face into that thing before she sits in it!"

                        ------

                        My apologies to any offended...there's jokes for my religion too.

                        There's jokes for my race...I'm sure there are...but none of those other guys would ever tell me any. So they must be good. The only one I ever heard was:

                        What's white and ten inches long?

                        (Answer: Nothing!)
                        ...

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          THE OSTRICH!

                          A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?"


                          "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

                          A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please"

                          The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

                          The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

                          The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

                          Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

                          This becomes routine until the two enter again.
                          "The usual?" Asks the waitress.
                          "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
                          "Same," says the ostrich.
                          Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
                          Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.

                          The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

                          "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

                          "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

                          "That's right. Whether it's a liter of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

                          The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

                          The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a.. and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
                          sigpic

                          Just an Old Drag Racer that still has dreams of going fast!

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                          • #14
                            I never knew my grandfather on Dad's side, but this was supposedly his favourite joke:

                            Two old farmers were strong believers in socialism, and talked about it incessantly. Then one day, the first farmer turned to his friend and said "if you had two castles, would you give me one?"

                            The second farmer said "yes, of course, it's the socialist way."

                            The first farmer asked "if you had two Cadillacs, would you give me one?"

                            The second farmer said "yes, of course, it's the socialist way."

                            The first farmer asked "if you had two cows, would you give me one?"

                            The second farmer exclaimed "YOU STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY TWO COWS! THEY'RE MINE, DARN IT!!"

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                            • #15
                              LITTLE Ralphie STRIKES AGAIN

                              The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

                              Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

                              The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

                              Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated. ' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

                              Little Ralphie raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Ralphie before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Ralphie said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t... are so big she can only fasten eight.'

                              The teacher sat down and cried.
                              sigpic

                              Just an Old Drag Racer that still has dreams of going fast!

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