The Way "Musicians" Are

[pdub]

I've always said I'm a player, not a musician. But I spent my time in an earlier life, hanging out with musicians. First, musicians have no clock. They don't know or care what time it is.

They can keep time but they have no sense of time, like what time the show starts. They're everywhere except where they ought to be. And they don't care, not a care in the world. Nothing matters, not a thing.

So here's where I'm on a stage with the musicians. 1990's. The guy on the far left, he's the band manager. He finally let me sing a song. And when I did, he cussed me out. He said, "You SOB (Subphrased), you CAN sing." And then he tore my ass up for playing too loud.

The guy in the middle...he's deceased. Colon cancer. Never went to the doctor until it was too late. He was a good guy. A musician, but not quite.

Then there's me in black and the ghost in the right background, not on the stage...the bass player...he messed around with the drummer's wife and there was some woman swapping going on and...musicians. Just another day.

The drummer had a giant saltwater aquarium that the bass player and the drummer's wife busted trying to move it out of the house after the breakup. Just another day. Just another day. Nothing unusual as far as musicians go.

[studemax]

Yup. Musicians are weird. You got that one ON THE MONEY.

I spent 13 years fixing guitars in a music store, and I wanted to write a book called "Guitars and Women" about all the funny and crazy shit that happens in the music biz, but I never got started.

Then there were all the cats I played with over the years in different bands. Most were pretty cool... others were way the hell out in space with no tether.

And this is just at the amateur and semi-pro level... the pros are off the charts bizarre, creepy, stupid, mean-as-hell, and disgusting.

They say only 7 percent of the population plays music, but it's the strangest 7 percent if you ask me.