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I've seen these a few times before, but always get a good laugh out of them everytime they pop up somewhere. Saw them today on another forum I visit from time to time and thought I would post them here for your entertainment. Enjoy!
Tool Definitions.
Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar stock out of your hands, striking you in the chest and flinging your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part on the workbench.
Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and throws them under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and guitar calluses in the time it takes to say "ouch!"
Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also handy for snagging drill bits and twisting, spraining or breaking your wrist before you can let go of the trigger.
Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. May also be used to create blood blisters.
Vice Grips: Generally used after pliers to further round off a bolt. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Also makes a great replacement for missing window crank handles.
Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its direction the more dismal your failure becomes.
Oxy-acetylene Torch: Used almost exclusively for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting fire to the grease around that wheel bearing you were trying to remove by heating the hub.
Heat gun: Used to apply heat too close to your fingertips. Useful for removing your fingerprints when entering the witness protection program.
Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles. Now mostly are hammered over bolts previously rounded by vice grips.
Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after installing new brake shoes, trapping the handle firmly under the bumper. May also be used to lower vehicle onto the plastic pail you drained the engine oil into, immediately prior to moving the vehicle and spilling oil all over your concrete driveway.
Two by Four: An eight-foot long bar made of wood used for levering the vehicle upward off the hydraulic floor jack handle.
Tweezers: A tool for removing 2X4 splinters or wire wheel wires from your fingers.
Jack stand: Used in conjunction with the Hydraulic Floorjack to support the car after raising the car to the highest level the jack can possibly go....making it impossible to raise the vehicle any higher to take the Jack stands out....this is where the Two by Four comes in handy once again.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool 10 times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes. Works well in inexpensive or easy to replace parts but using this tool in expensive parts will cause almost certain failure.
Two-Ton Engine Hoist: Used for testing the tensile strength of electrical wires, hoses etc that you forgot to disconnect.
Aviation Metal Snips: See "Hacksaw"
Trouble Light: A very appropriately named tool. Its two main purposes are to shine an intense light directly into your eyes instead of onto the part you are trying to illuminate and also to consume 40 watt light bulbs at the same rate as a 105mm Howitzer consumes shells. Sometimes called a drop light for reasons obvious to anybody who has used one.
Flash Light: Appropriately named lighting device that flashes only once in time of need. Also, a chrome or plastic container used to house dead batteries and broken light bulbs.
Ignition Timing Light: Mostly used to locate and illuminate black blobs of 30 year old grease on the engine.
Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.
Philips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the silver vacuum seals under the screw off lids of oil cans but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out the heads of phillips screws.
Slotted Screwdriver: Most commonly used to puncture, cut, scrape, scratch or otherwise disfigure anything, including your hand, that happens to be within the surrounding area of the screw you are attempting to remove.
Cordless Screwgun: Used to accomplish the same tasks as the slotted screwdriver listed above, only much more quickly and usually much more painfully. However, when working correctly, this tool is remarkable at driving a single screw halfway to your intended goal before the battery needs recharging.
Pry Bar: A tool often used to crumple the metal surrounding a clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace that 50 cent part.
Craftsman 1/2 X 16 inch Screwdriver: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip at the opposite end to the handle.
Hose Cutter: Used to make hoses too short.
Duct Tape: Used to hold things together where a bolt can't. Also used to repair radiator and heater hoses.
Wire Strippers: Used primarily to strip insulation from wires, can be used for bloodletting by means of perforating the users digits, or that real sensitive web of skin between the thumb and forefinger.
Pocket Knife: Although called a knife, this tool will generally cut absolutely nothing except flesh. Most commonly used very inefficiently as a small pry bar or screwdriver where it then becomes a very efficient paint scraper.
Utility Knife: Used to open boxes and slice through the contents of packages delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on items such as seats, CD's, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines etc. Especially useful for slicing through work clothes, but only when you are in them.
Hammer: Originally used as a weapon of war, but nowadays used as a device used to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the part you are trying to hit.
BFH: Another member of the hammer family of tools. This one however is much larger, usually ranging from 3 to 16 pounds which gives it it's name of BFH (Big F-cking Hammer). Used as a last resort to completely smash and obliterate any uncooperative part. The BFH is commonly used in tandem with the "Expletive" and then it usually transforms into a "Dammit Tool" once the stubborn part is sufficiently disfigured.
Dammit Tool: Any tool that gets thrown across the garage as you yell "Dammit!" It is also the next tool that you will need.
Expletive: A soothing balm, or mechanics lube, usually applied verbally and in hindsight, which somehow eases the pain and embarrassment of our lack of foresight.
Tool Definitions.
Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat bar stock out of your hands, striking you in the chest and flinging your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part on the workbench.
Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and throws them under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and guitar calluses in the time it takes to say "ouch!"
Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also handy for snagging drill bits and twisting, spraining or breaking your wrist before you can let go of the trigger.
Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. May also be used to create blood blisters.
Vice Grips: Generally used after pliers to further round off a bolt. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Also makes a great replacement for missing window crank handles.
Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion and the more you attempt to influence its direction the more dismal your failure becomes.
Oxy-acetylene Torch: Used almost exclusively for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for setting fire to the grease around that wheel bearing you were trying to remove by heating the hub.
Heat gun: Used to apply heat too close to your fingertips. Useful for removing your fingerprints when entering the witness protection program.
Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles. Now mostly are hammered over bolts previously rounded by vice grips.
Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after installing new brake shoes, trapping the handle firmly under the bumper. May also be used to lower vehicle onto the plastic pail you drained the engine oil into, immediately prior to moving the vehicle and spilling oil all over your concrete driveway.
Two by Four: An eight-foot long bar made of wood used for levering the vehicle upward off the hydraulic floor jack handle.
Tweezers: A tool for removing 2X4 splinters or wire wheel wires from your fingers.
Jack stand: Used in conjunction with the Hydraulic Floorjack to support the car after raising the car to the highest level the jack can possibly go....making it impossible to raise the vehicle any higher to take the Jack stands out....this is where the Two by Four comes in handy once again.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool 10 times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes. Works well in inexpensive or easy to replace parts but using this tool in expensive parts will cause almost certain failure.
Two-Ton Engine Hoist: Used for testing the tensile strength of electrical wires, hoses etc that you forgot to disconnect.
Aviation Metal Snips: See "Hacksaw"
Trouble Light: A very appropriately named tool. Its two main purposes are to shine an intense light directly into your eyes instead of onto the part you are trying to illuminate and also to consume 40 watt light bulbs at the same rate as a 105mm Howitzer consumes shells. Sometimes called a drop light for reasons obvious to anybody who has used one.
Flash Light: Appropriately named lighting device that flashes only once in time of need. Also, a chrome or plastic container used to house dead batteries and broken light bulbs.
Ignition Timing Light: Mostly used to locate and illuminate black blobs of 30 year old grease on the engine.
Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.
Philips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the silver vacuum seals under the screw off lids of oil cans but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out the heads of phillips screws.
Slotted Screwdriver: Most commonly used to puncture, cut, scrape, scratch or otherwise disfigure anything, including your hand, that happens to be within the surrounding area of the screw you are attempting to remove.
Cordless Screwgun: Used to accomplish the same tasks as the slotted screwdriver listed above, only much more quickly and usually much more painfully. However, when working correctly, this tool is remarkable at driving a single screw halfway to your intended goal before the battery needs recharging.
Pry Bar: A tool often used to crumple the metal surrounding a clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace that 50 cent part.
Craftsman 1/2 X 16 inch Screwdriver: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip at the opposite end to the handle.
Hose Cutter: Used to make hoses too short.
Duct Tape: Used to hold things together where a bolt can't. Also used to repair radiator and heater hoses.
Wire Strippers: Used primarily to strip insulation from wires, can be used for bloodletting by means of perforating the users digits, or that real sensitive web of skin between the thumb and forefinger.
Pocket Knife: Although called a knife, this tool will generally cut absolutely nothing except flesh. Most commonly used very inefficiently as a small pry bar or screwdriver where it then becomes a very efficient paint scraper.
Utility Knife: Used to open boxes and slice through the contents of packages delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on items such as seats, CD's, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines etc. Especially useful for slicing through work clothes, but only when you are in them.
Hammer: Originally used as a weapon of war, but nowadays used as a device used to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the part you are trying to hit.
BFH: Another member of the hammer family of tools. This one however is much larger, usually ranging from 3 to 16 pounds which gives it it's name of BFH (Big F-cking Hammer). Used as a last resort to completely smash and obliterate any uncooperative part. The BFH is commonly used in tandem with the "Expletive" and then it usually transforms into a "Dammit Tool" once the stubborn part is sufficiently disfigured.
Dammit Tool: Any tool that gets thrown across the garage as you yell "Dammit!" It is also the next tool that you will need.
Expletive: A soothing balm, or mechanics lube, usually applied verbally and in hindsight, which somehow eases the pain and embarrassment of our lack of foresight.
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