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  • Colonoscopies...funny

    A friend of mine sent this to me. Man, is it funny...and true! ;D

    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

    This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place (at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis). Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later, for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day. Al I had was chicken broth, which is basically water...only with less flavor. Then in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on, it makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted but Eddie was very good and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment I was back in the other room waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

    On the subject of Colonoscopies...
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

    And the best one of all....

    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?]

  • #2
    Re: Colonoscopies...funny

    You want to clean yourself out and drop a few pounds plus make sure your insides are in good shape, visit the Doc!!!


    • #3
      Re: Colonoscopies...funny

      Funny, I?m crying..................... ;D :D


      • #4
        Re: Colonoscopies...funny

        As a former colonoscopy patient.....He is exactly right. There was no exaggerations in the whole thing.

        It Sucks. Except the important part.

        F*&%$#@& Hysterical though....I too teared up. My wife had to pause the TV because she couldn't hear it over me laughing.

        200 mph or bust.......


        • #5
          Re: Colonoscopies...funny

          At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.

          Once an image is implanted in the brain, impossible to get away from it.


          • #6
            Re: Colonoscopies...funny

            As long as you don't feel 2 hands on your back during the exam, everything is OK.

            I had mine done almost 3 years ago and all was well. A co-worker of mine who hates going to doctors had his done after I assured him there was nothing to worry about. Well, the day after he didn't come back to work. Turns out they found a huge tumor. He was told if he didn't have the exam, he would have been dead in 6 months or less! Luckily it was benign but he followed up on chemo and radiation as a precaution. His surgeon didn't think he needed the chemo or radiation. He's doing great now. If you're over 50, get it done.
            Overdrive is overrated


            • #7
              Re: Colonoscopies...funny

              As a unfortunate kid who got Ulcerated Colitis; I can now say "Gee, thanks for bringing back horrible memories!" :P
              BS'er formally known as Rebeldryver

              Resident Instigator



              • #8
                Re: Colonoscopies...funny

                I made the mistake of playing Robin Williams' "Live 2002" disc for my dad the first time I came home from Iraq...I didn't know he had it done two weeks before...

                "And then they shoot air up your ass...Great. Now, you're a [email protected]&ing party favor. "No, c'mon, Doc, let'er rip! I'm the Michelin Man!"

                The former Remy-Z

                "Remy-Z, you've outdone yourself again, I thought a Mirada was the icing on the cake of rodding, but this Imperial is the spread of little 99-cent candy letters spelling out "EAT ME" on top of that cake."


                • #9
                  Re: Colonoscopies...funny

                  Done there, been that. Twice. The first time they found some polyps, so I had to have another one 5 years later. A-OK. Dave's right - the procedure is nothing - you're out cold and won't even know that they did it. The prep REALLY sucks. I hope they find a better method in the next ten years - my next scheduled visit. If they could just reduce the quantity by - say - 50% it would help.

                  Butt seriously - step up and get 'em done, guys. I'll bet that each and every one of you has somebody who loves you and is counting on you - do it for them if you won't do it for you. ME has thanked me many times.



                  • #10
                    Re: Colonoscopies...funny

                    When I had it done the prep I was given was much easier. Not fun, but not a big deal.


                    • #11
                      Re: Colonoscopies...funny

                      Some medical reason that they didn't want to use the "Easy Prep" on me. Hope they change their minds next time.



                      • #12
                        Re: Colonoscopies...funny

                        My grandma had a bout with colon cancer,and she has to drink a big jug of something called "Golitely" before a colonoscopy. This a very misnamed prodcut to say the least,and I think the taste is pretty horrid also. My Mom and my Uncle have gone through colonoscoies also as a precaution.

                        My wife lost her Dad to colon cancer,and it wasn't pretty. All joking aside,you should really have yourself screend especially if it runs in your family.

                        Anyway,this was a funny post! Anybody who's gone through that can surely identify.


                        • #13
                          Re: Colonoscopies...funny

                          Originally posted by AllenK
                          My grandma had a bout with colon cancer,and she has to drink a big jug of something called "Golitely" before a colonoscopy. This a very misnamed prodcut to say the least,and I think the taste is pretty horrid also.
                          It is called "Colyte" (pronounced "coal-lite") and I too have had to drink it. Nasty stuff. I'm having a scope on Friday ,and they gave me something different to take that is a lot easier to deal with. I had colon cancer 10 years ago when I was 31. Get checked guys. No hetrosexual man likes to think about where that camera is going to go, but it really isn't a big deal. You sleep through the whole proceedure.


                          • #14
                            Re: Colonoscopies...funny

                            I had it done last year and they found some issues they took care of at the time... Scary when the Doc says you were going to be his next Cancer patient...



                            • #15
                              Re: Colonoscopies...funny

                              My Mom had Colon Cancer,and has been clean for the last 5 yrs thank God. Her doctor said that "I must have one done by age 40". Well I have just turned 43 this past Sept. , so Guess I guess I need to take care of this.
                              Reading , Pa
                              Good Guys rodders rep.
                              "putting the seat down is women's work" Archie Bunker.
                              Ban low performance drivers not high performance cars .