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The PedoVan

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  • The PedoVan

    It all started one night when I was at work. Not the Army, but the bar where I'm moonlighting as a bartender for a little extra cash. The owner informed me that I was officially the owner of a ratted-out Aerostar that was sitting behind the building for a couple of years. Do what I will, but it is now my vehicle and my issue.

    And the PedoVan was born.

    The vehicle itself is a '90 3.0 V6 Eddie Bauer extended-length all-wheel-drive version. It was stolen in 2005 and recovered early '06. There is a bunch of crap in it that the police determined was "unclaimed, untraceable"...therefore stuck with the van. All the windows past the B pillar were spray-bombed black from the inside. The rear bench seats are missing, the column is nothing short of destroyed, and "disgusting" isn't the best word for the shape of the interior. Add to this fun, it's been sitting, nonrunning, since '06, same gas in the tank, same plugs that it got from the factory, and all.

    I took the keys last Thursday and opened it up. The smell that hit me made me puke...something has molded inside. So I left the side windows open all day to vent out the evil that had begotten the interior and started looking for a free-range dumster so that if I could get this rolling catastrophe running, I could back up to a dumpster and start shoveling. Then I tried to start it. No shock, the battery installed was dead beyond dead, nevermind my futile 40-min. attempt to charge it with the Monte Carlo. I took the battery out of another one of her project cars (anyone want a cheap LeBaron convt.? PM me!) and by divine intervention, the bastard choked, puked, bitched, and somehow managed to not only start but settle into a really funky idle. Things were definetly wrong (the Ford, running, a first ;D) but not F'd yet.

    I mentioned the van in passing to a friend of mine, Mike, on a fishing trip. Mike hit hard times recently, having to sell his lifted '94 Ranger to keep up with bills. I was planning on derbying the PedoVan at first opportunity and burning the hulk...but Mike saw more to this 4-wheeled C.F. and was interested. Nothing I could say would deter him, so we made plans for Friday, to start working on the van to see what we could do. Friday morning we picked up a 3-day pass from the DMV, loaded the Mirada with tools and drove to the bar. And that's when, after two months of unseasonably warm and sunny weather, WA State decided it had enough happy days and proceeded to piss all over our parade...and us, too.

    We decided that the only way to get the van to a decent running level was to run the bad gas out of it. We'd run it half the day, fill the tank up, take it to Smog and see what happened for shits and giggles. The nearest gas station was a block away. How bad could it be?

    Well...folks, I've driven some shitty cars in my time. A Caprice that tried to self-immolate a few dozen times. A Chevelle that launched it's harmonic balancer out from underneath the car on the Interstate. A Mercury Comet with almost no brakes. The PedoVan takes the cake. You tried to gas it, it'd stall, then it was 20 seconds of cranking before the engine would try to kick over. Usually took 3 or 4 tries to fire the engine. Which can make your ass pucker like none other when you stalled in a perfect T-bone accident setup and a Kenworth W900 is bearing down on your side of the van. I swear, I though Mike was gonna hop out and make a run for it.

    We managed to get it to drive down to the smog station. Both of us were laughing our asses off, just waiting to get pulled over or to have the smog-check people call the cops. Keep in mind, the van is still filled with assorted crap...and for bonus points, as I'm getting the ticket for the smog-check, Mike finds a pellet gun in the back, the size, shape, and look of a Mossberg 500 shotgun. I pull up to the station, the guy tells me to roll down the window. Uh, nope, that ain't happenin'. So I open the door. The look of horror on his face said it all. I joked, "Don't judge me." Him: "Too late." He grabbed a plug and told me to plug it into the cigarette lighter. I held up the cigarette lighter...it was on the floor next to the shifter. Next? "Pop the hood"....in short, fail for 3x the legal amount of hydrocarbons.

    To today: Spark plugs in an Aerostar are a BITCH to do when you're my size. Thank Christ Mike is smaller than me by a considerable amount...one broken plug, two bad plug wires. It was a 3-cyl. wonder. We dumped a ton of injector cleaner into the tank. We drove the hell out of it today. Got the digital dash working. Spent $25 in parts at the yard, now we have everything but the power windows working. Still need to do the steering column, but I refuse to do any more work until it passes smog.

    Viva la PedoVan! (will post pictures later.)
    The former Remy-Z

    "Remy-Z, you've outdone yourself again, I thought a Mirada was the icing on the cake of rodding, but this Imperial is the spread of little 99-cent candy letters spelling out "EAT ME" on top of that cake."

  • #2
    Re: The PedoVan

    Great story.Cant wait for the rest ;)

    Comment


    • #3
      Re: The PedoVan

      No kidding, it sounds kick-a$$!! Good luck on getting it road-worthy. I'd forgotten they made 4WD Aerostars. A year ago I almost bought a nice one for $3000 but my wife nixed the deal. So now I'm spending 10 times that to get the Badder-Asser Econoline up and running. That'll teach her!! ;D
      President, Wicked Rides Poland

      http://www.bangshift.com/forum/showt...eau-Club-Wagon

      Comment


      • #4
        Re: The PedoVan

        Nothing like a friend in need to motivate you to do something you otherwise never would have done.

        Sounds like it still has potential. I have to say it was not one of Ford's better efforts - but there are still many of them running around - as the bodies rust into oblivion around here.
        There's always something new to learn.

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: The PedoVan

          Pictures pending of course, but from here on out I'm going to reference your "Pedo Van" after any cracks about my "Free-Candy Trailer" ;D
          Escaped on a technicality.

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: The PedoVan






            Seeing how Smog is closed today and tomorrow, and that the van is f'ing disgusting inside, me and Mike decided today that we'd clean it up a bit. We stopped by the PX, got gloves, yard waste trash bags, Febreeze (the "Hoarders" edition!) and a steering wheel cover so that I don't have the odd, unidentifiable sticky shit that the steering wheel is coated in all over my hands. (eeeeww.....) At least it's a nice day.

            We fired it up to let it warm up. After plugs and wires, the 3.0L fired right off for us and settled into a nice idle, and we got to work. No shit...FIVE 65-gal. trash bags took care of most of it. Nevermind the lumber..or the set of tires....or this little beauty that I decided to keep...


            This continued on for an hour or so. The van was running fine, radio playing (a first for a free car!) and that's when I noticed a smell...a warm urine smell. Oh, sick...is it the interior? Don't know...thank Christ for the gloves. Then the engine, which up to this point has been idling just fine, without warning, dies. WTF? I go try the screwdriver....er, key. Slow cranking, like the engine is fighting to start. Damn....tell me it didn't sieze... To the hood. And the power steering pump has smoke coming out from behind it. no... I get the van to start, and now there's a death rattle. Looking at the power steering pump pulley, it's shaking like Michael J. Fox's hand when he's pissed off and it's smoking hard...and for some reason, still smells like urine. I shut the van down and check the fluid level. When I say "check", I mean "pry the dipstick out with a flathead". We have a milkshake in the pump...and I swear, just by smell alone, I guess one of the ingredients. I puke. Mike laughs...until I break the news to him.

            Well, crap. We finish the cleaning job and head off to Pull-A-Part. The yard is still a muddy wasteland from the other day. We dig around trying to find a 3.0L Aerostar, Ranger, B-series...anything!...and all we find are either 4.0L or non-serpentine 3.0L's. Mike keeps digging through the Fords for anything. I try to raid the Mopars for a RWD anything for dash light sockets (no RWD anything) or any Chevelle stuff (strike two, cheif.)

            Then it rains. Epically. I'll say it right now. F**K VALENTINE'S DAY. >

            We give up for the day (correction: I give up for the day) and hit up Red Robin.

            And now, I'm pricing a new pump. I'll be damned if I change it but I'll help.... ;D
            The former Remy-Z

            "Remy-Z, you've outdone yourself again, I thought a Mirada was the icing on the cake of rodding, but this Imperial is the spread of little 99-cent candy letters spelling out "EAT ME" on top of that cake."

            Comment


            • #7
              Re: The PedoVan

              Originally posted by TheSilverBuick
              Pictures pending of course, but from here on out I'm going to reference your "Pedo Van" after any cracks about my "Free-Candy Trailer" ;D
              I stand by my previous statement ;D At least I can honestly say my trailer never smelled of anything moldy or pissy.
              Escaped on a technicality.

              Comment


              • #8
                Re: The PedoVan

                Bryan = patron saint of lost automotive causes.....and we love him for it.

                I'm following this poop show right to the end. :D
                That which you manifest is before you.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Re: The PedoVan

                  Same here Brian...... but my money is on "sooner" rather than "later" for the end. ;D
                  Of all the paths you take in life - make sure a few of them are dirt.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Re: The PedoVan

                    I'm with you two....it'll be over fairly quick!
                    Whiskey for my men ... and beer for their horses!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Re: The PedoVan

                      I'd set it on fire.

                      It will be much more useful that way.
                      Massive turd...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: The PedoVan

                        My original desire was to scrap it for $100 and start paying down a set of Stewart-Warner gauges. Mike's the one that believes this thing is worth something...I've just got the tools.

                        "The Patron Saint of lost automotive causes". (shrugs) Meh. We did talk about turning this thing into the A-team van, the Mystery Machine, lifting it and putting 33's on it, hacking the roof off and making an Aerostar pickup, putting tracks at all four corners, etc. But really, this thing deserves to be backed quickly into a Douglas fir and crushed shortly therafter.
                        The former Remy-Z

                        "Remy-Z, you've outdone yourself again, I thought a Mirada was the icing on the cake of rodding, but this Imperial is the spread of little 99-cent candy letters spelling out "EAT ME" on top of that cake."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Re: The PedoVan

                          Originally posted by Remy-Z


                          And now, I'm pricing a new pump. I'll be damned if I change it but I'll help watch and laugh.... ;D
                          Fixed.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Re: The PedoVan

                            Walt, after the fun tonight, my chest hurts from laughing so damn hard :D...if only that were the case!

                            I finally got the hangover I had coming to me today. I stayed in bed until almost two, praying that the light outside would be turned down. But Mike was persistant. He's wound up at the excitement of getting this automotive clusterfcuk potential fishing van ready for road use. So I bit it, swallowed some asprin and packed the Mirada up again.

                            Back at the Pull-A-Part swamp, we located a '91 4.0 Aerostar in alarmingly good conditon. I looked for C4C markings...this thing only had about 50,000 on the clock. Perfect canidate. Sitting in a puddle that covered the forward third of the van. Awesome! A couple of seatbacks out of nearby Contours and we pulled the entire pump/bracket assembly off with little drama. About $22 bucks later, we were hauling our prize out of there. We rented a Ford power steering pulley removal/installation tool and went to the PedoVan to get started. It's now about 4pm and the light is fading. Aw, what's the harm? I've got a droplight, and the Mirada's headlights. How bad can it be?

                            Well, for starters, I broke the fan shroud. Remy, 1. PedoVan, 0.

                            I started taking off the fan itself, then about two bolts into it Mike looks over and asks WTF I'm doing. I look again. No need at all to take it off. We disassemble the JY part, get it ready. We disassemble the pump in the van, and all goes well until Mike starts swearing. He forgot the one clamped-on hose on the bottom. It's now out of reach. Can I remove it? YES I CAN! I grab ahold of the pump, brace my footing, and lift. All I heard next was a slight snapping noise, then I slammed my entire hand into the upper firewall, holding pump. I pulled everything out, launched the old pump about 30 feet away, and looked at my hand.
                            On my right hand, I have had a wart on my middle finger. Now I have blood. Well, it wouldn't be right if I didn't bleed. I run across the street to my craft store where Thora ( ;D) nursed my hand back to health.

                            Remy, 1. PedoVan, 5.

                            By the time I get back Mike is halfway done getting the new pump in. The rest of this is pretty uneventful...other than stripping a couple of threads off the installation tool, it goes in without a fight. We dump in a half-quart of power steering fluid and start the van. Immeadiately, the difference is felt. I back the van out and start doing figure-8's to work the system. Each time I turn it's getting more and more difficult. WTF? We park it and Mike gets out. He yells at me to shut it off...one of the return lines is bleeding fluid everywhere. A quick re-secure, more fluid, and more figure-8's, and other than working the air out of the lines, all seems to be just fine. PedoVan is parked for the night.

                            Now, we wait until this Saturday. With everything we've done we are going to try to smog it again. Here's hoping...
                            The former Remy-Z

                            "Remy-Z, you've outdone yourself again, I thought a Mirada was the icing on the cake of rodding, but this Imperial is the spread of little 99-cent candy letters spelling out "EAT ME" on top of that cake."

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Re: The PedoVan

                              Good times. So did you get checked out for Bubonic Plague or Hanta Virus after you cut yourself on that thing?
                              Escaped on a technicality.

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