Full disclosure: This 1977 Mercury Marquis is doomed to be a parts donor. The 460 will wind up in a Torino along with a few other choice parts and the rest…who knows. I’m not sure how many people are actively restoring 1977 Mercury….well, any Mercury, to be honest, let alone 19.5 feet of pure FoMoCo Yacht Club that’s seen the rougher end of the last twenty-something years. But for Dalton of Pole Barn Garage, he sees the chance to have a little fun with the great big brick before it’s turned into two years’ worth of soup cans. You see, for some reason he wound up with two full-sized Fords…a turd-brown LTD coupe that’s about a 1970-71 vintage, and this beauty that makes us immediately think of Uncle Buck’s smoking, backfiring snow sled.

Oh, if only this thing was as complete. You see, this Mercury is too far gone to save…and that’s saying something about the dude who made a street machine out of a GTO that was treated like a firing range backstop and who is currently putting together a truck even Junkyard Digs had second thoughts about. There is zero floor between the front seat and the back seat’s base on the passenger’s side. Don’t ask one single question about the gas tank, it’s better for everyone involved. That pretty white roof is spray-painted on, and among the “treasures” left in this car was a box of dirty magazines. Gross. Even worse than the set of long johns that were interesting shades of mold.

There are two plans for this Mercury. One is to make sure that the 460 under the hood is worth the effort of building at all. The second, should the engine live, is to wake up the LTD and proceed to have a home-brewed recreation of some scenes from “White Lightning”. Yeah, Rebel Roy’s Mercury was mint-colored, whatever. Don’t consider this a revival. This reminds me of the infamous “War Cars” from my past, and I’m hoping that the U.S.S. Brougham here winds up sideways on a dirt path, chasing down a brown Ford using whatever is left of the 197 asthmatic, unbothered horses that didn’t escape from the engine bay.

I’d say something about “needing Jesus”, but you’ll see why that’s completely unnecessary soon…and you’ll be laughing your ass off.