Jokes December 2012

[pdub]

Since the world ends in a little over two weeks, we might as well do one last joke thread. I'll start, I think this one is within rating, and I laughed at it:

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean,

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Ron Ward]

[JOES66FURY]

Blind guy walks into a department store with his guide dog.


He stops in the middle of the store and picks the dog up by the collar and starts swinging it around above his head.

A salesperson stops him and asks "what the hell do you think you're doing"

The bind guy replies..."just looking around"

[Gary 351C]

It's 2 am and the local sheriff is sitting across from the local bar waiting for it to empty out.

Out of the dozen or so patrons he sees one guy stumble to his car dropping his keys a few times
then finally heads off slowly down the road. "Ha! that guys drunk for sure" so he takes off after him.

After pulling him over the guy passes all the feild sobriety tests with flying colors.
The sheriff scratches his head and says "I could have sworn you were drunk"
To which the guy replies "Nope, just tonights designated decoy"

[Deaf Bob]

Some 85% of the deaf people have AIDS





HEARING AIDS

[rightpedal]

A skeleton walks in to a bar.... orders a beer and a mop

[70chevyC-10]

What do you call a dog with no legs ?
-
-
-
Doesn't matter - he won't come any way.

[SuperBuickGuy]

My first day at Walmart as a greeter...
My one day of employment after retiring

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…..
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Walmart.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Don’t be ****ing stupid. Of course they aren’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam..I just couldn’t believe someone fu@ked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
My Supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

[hoofhearted]

Not a joke but funny anyway.

[OHC 6 Sprint]

1 out of 10 people understands digital, and the other one doesn't care.

[Caveman Tony]

Dammit.

I don't know any open forum family-friendly jokes.

All mine have some aspect that are, uh.. objectionable.

[pdub]

Not a joke, but a true story set to music. This is GREAT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM

[Grumpy]

A Christmas Love Story


A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.



As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see that her husband was nowhere around. She became quite upset because they had a lot to do.

She was so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."


He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."


Flowers and get well cards can be sent to room 247 at General Hospital!

[Northeast Rod Run]

It may not be December, but I don't see a January joke thread, so here you go..........


Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: So where's your f***ing Ferrari?

[Deaf Bob]

http://www.youtube.com/embed/vsVCHE7ayPE?rel=0