The Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk is legit. It might weigh as much as the bus I rode to school on, but when you’re powered by the Hellcat engine that Ma Mopar has been handing out to anyone with the cash to pay for it, weight isn’t a concern. You have all wheel drive and God’s own torque curve at your disposal, plus seating for four adults in comfort and space for whatever crap you bring with you. The Audi sedan, which we presume is an RS6, isn’t a slouch either: a four-wheel-drive Autobahn monster wrapped up as a respectable executive sedan, they are not to be trifled with lightly. This is not the smiling, happy German offering you a glass of real beer and a sausage on a roll. This is the angry German, the one who is blasting Rammstein’s “Amerika” to mock you as he proceeds to hand your own ass back to you on a silver platter, garnished with kale, tomato slices and an after-dinner mint.

Then there is the matter of the Buick Electra 225. It’s the ultimate Yank Tank. Long, low, wide, and weighing in at a figure very comparable to the Jeep, the Electra was still made for those who wanted their cars BIG. Pack the whole damn family in the car, bet that the luggage will fit in the trunk, and ride that wave of torque wherever you go. Great burnout machines, but leave the racing to the Gran Sport, right?

…right??

Jesus, somebody get us some facts on this monster, stat. What is this thing packing that allowed it to put an Audi and a Trackhawk in their respective places?