For every good story that warms our hearts, there’s twenty that make us retch. We take those bad stories, fry them, dash them up and serve them up in our Scrapple. Take a look at this week’s gems and see if you can keep your gorge down…And you might want to get a serious drink before you start reading.

1. Jeep’s Renegade Is A Drinker!

We haven’t been the least bit shy when it comes to our opinion of the Jeep Renegade: there’s lots to hate about it. But the one factor we have constantly been going back to in the hopes that something might be salvaged and used for a good spin is that it might get great gas mileage. Being  based off the Fiat 500X has to count for something, right? Nope. 22/31 for the FWD version, 21/29 for the AWD version. How does that compare to it’s competitors? Dead last for mileage, however there is a silver lining in these as well: the Renegade is the most powerful in the class. That’s like saying you have the simplest broken bone to mend: it’s still painful, but the blow is cushioned some.

2. NHTSA has found something new to harp on about: sleepy drivers.

The NHTSA, those lovable government scamps that gleefully run around dreaming up more and more technology to save the human race from itself where the car is concerned, has switched it’s focus from distracted driving to sleepy driving. How? Easy: MORE CRAP IN THE CARS! Administrator Mark Rosekind was quoted by the Detroit News as saying: “We’re going to develop strategies specifically targeting populations especially vulnerable to drowsy driving. And we’re going to comprehensively examine the role that driver aids, in the car and outside of it, can play – everything from high-tech solutions like computer algorithms that detect when you’re getting sleepy behind the wheel, to old standbys like rumble strips on the road.” Raise your hands if you’re getting pretty damn sick of the answer to every question ending up as “more technology”. Start pulling licenses! Or better yet, increase the difficulty of getting a damn driver’s license in the first place!

3. Elon Musk envisions a world where driving will be outlawed. 

Yeah, he actually said that. The man who created Tesla Motors, the man who gave us a useful electric car that can scare the shit out of the passengers with it’s acceleration, said that. I’m just going to quote him here: “It’s like an elevator. There used to be elevator operators, and we developed some simple circuitry … The car is going to be just like that. Autonomy is about what level of reliability and safety you want.” Once lawmakers figure out that everything will be okay, “we’ll take autonomous cars for granted in a short period of time. It’s going to be the default thing and it’s going to save a lot of lives.” But how long does he think it will take? Less than a year, and possibly sooner…keep reading.

4. Tesla’s newest update for the Model S includes a good answer to range worries, a way to map out a road trip with charging stations in mind, and that the next update releases auto driving into the wild! Hooray!

Yep, you read that right as well. Version 6.2 brings two things that Tesla owners could really use: a way to map out road trips across the United States (no word on other countries, but we assume that’s at least in the works), which will show you every Supercharger station along your route, and a computer program that effectively maps out your travel and makes sure you have enough juice to get where you’re going. Not too bad. Then Elon had to keep talking about the upcoming Version 7. In short, here’s what that is expected to bring: Autopilot, Tesla’s semiautonomous driving mode, and a valet mode of sorts that will allow the car to be called up from the garage automatically and park itself automatically on private property, no human involved. Many automotive journalists are fawning over the technology, but seriously…it’s like whistling for the dog to show up. If you can’t be bothered to drive or park the (expletive) car, hire a (expletive) driver and don’t (expletive) drive. Simple as that. Chauffeurs exist for that very reason.