When we hope for a week filled with useful news, the first thing we don’t want to see is news that the EPA has their target reticle set on the automotive enthusiast. And that was the overwhelming focal point this week, no doubt. While there are now tons of requests populating Facebook to get the EPA to back the hell off and wars of words between “They’re gonna make your car illegal!” and “You’re overreacting, calm down!”, there has been other news items on our desk this week. We’ve dusted off some of the more passable pieces and, using a patented mix of sarcasm passing as wit and a little bit of skepticism, we present them here to you for your review as the Scrapple that it is. Enjoy!

1. It’s an automatic transmission, how f*@#ing hard can it be to operate?!

The NHTSA is once again investigating FCA over the shifter used in 2014-15 Jeep Grand Cherokees, 2012-14 Dodge Chargers and 2012-14 Chrysler 300s that use the “Monostable” shifter made by ZF. This shifter acts like a joystick: move forwards and backwards, but it will always revert to a central location. Your gear indication is on the shifter itself and on the dash readout. But apparently the shifter design is “not intuitive” (NHTSA’s words), allowing drivers to believe their vehicle is in Park when it actually isn’t. The most common incident seems to be vehicle roll-away after the operator mistakenly believed that their vehicle was in Park. Odd…Audi has used this same shifter, yet I haven’t heard of any incident where an A8 has ran over their owner. Maybe they actually learn how to operate their new vehicle?

2. You can Sprint as fast as you’d like, but the end is coming.

Saving the best for last is kind of bittersweet when we know that there will not be a followup. Meet the Ford Falcon Sprint, another badass Aussie Ford that is being built as a death celebration of sorts. Only 1,400 Sprints will be built, and they will come in two models: The XR6 will come with the turbocharged 4.0L Barra inline-six rocking 435 horsepower before the 10-second over boost function, and the supercharged Miami V8, which can swing 536 horsepower when the over boost kicks in. And outside of pictures, the closest we will ever see it will be in twenty-five years, if we can afford to import one.

3. Is this now the world’s most expensive salvage-titled car?

A couple of weeks ago we told you about this 2004 Ferrari Enzo. This is the car we saw torn in half on a California highway ten years ago, it’s front half nearly a block away from it’s engine and rear suspension. Any other car would’ve been shredded and scrapped, but since it’s an Enzo, Ferrari themselves rebuilt it. It recently went under the hammer at RM Sotheby’s Paris auction, and sold for $1.75 million dollars. It is under the typical value for an Enzo, but is certainly an admirable figure for a car that should be dead. A side note: this is the second resurrected Ferrari that has been painted black, the first being the Gas Monkey F-40. Are we sensing a trend here?

4. It’s log, log…it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood! 

…and it is a Guiness World Record holder for “the fastest motorized log”. The rolling piece of lumber is called the “Cedar Rocket” and is a combination of a 200-plus year old Western Red Cedar, a lot of useful bits from a Mazda, and an all-electric drivetrain. It’s more of a showpiece than a real car, but it will do just under 50 miles an hour twice in an hour, which was good enough to earn it’s world record. And it has made a pass at Wild Horse Pass Raceway near Phoenix: 31.14@45mph. Wheee!

5. What’s the Dutch word for “comeback”?

The boutique sports car firm that tried to save Saab and nearly went to the grave for their efforts just might be returning to the land of the living. Spyker has thrown out a teaser shot for an upcoming model, the C8 Preliator, that will appear at the Geneva International Motor Show next month. Almost nothing is known about the car, though an educated guess is that it will be a slightly reskinned C8, the company’s most successful model. Past versions were powered by Audi V8s, but the rumor mill pins this car as being an EV. Spykers are known for their attention to detail and unbelievably beautiful interiors…but a boutique EV sports car? Unless Elon Musk has been freely giving Spyker P90D drivetrains, we wouldn’t be holding our breath just yet.