The idea behind a car commercial is simple: figure out how to grab the attention of a couch potato and sear the idea that your car is the one for them into their brain. Simple, right? Not really. We’ve looked at some good commercials over the years (think the Plymouth ads from earlier this week, or maybe the early 2000s commercial for the Pontiac Trans Am, where it eats some rice) but for every one good commercial filmed, there’s a hundred that should’ve never seen the light of day. There may have been nothing wrong with the car itself, but the presentation was so off that you couldn’t help but be put off. Here’s a couple for your review…would you buy a car from these guys?

1. 1978 Chevrolet Camaro Berlinetta

Hindsight being 20/20, “Berlinetta” was a code to run far, far away from a Camaro. But the root-beer brown ’78 in the commercial is actually attractive for a non-Z28 car. The turbine wheels look nice, the interior color is good, and it appears to be aimed directly at the “personal car” market, for someone who wants just a touch more ‘sport’ with their ride. Why is this one bad? Because it pretty much stomps on everything that Camaro had stood for prior to this…”quieter than Camaros past.” No kidding it was quieter. Compared to even the 1978 Z28, the Berlinetta was pretty much overstuffed and neutered.

2. 1974 Fords

Country music, bad cowboy lingo, and an advertising line that recommended that you get a horse. Which, when compared to the Pinto, Maverick, and the Mustang II, the horse was actually starting to look like a viable option.

3. 1985 Plymouth Duster

A bad Cindi Lauper rip-off musical number about a bare-bones 1980s Plymouth? Like Rick James said, “Cocaine…is a helluva drug.” The Turismo Duster didn’t have a lot going for it, sure, but this music video-turned-commercial did not help matters.

4. 2004 Volkswagen GTI

Wolfgang and Miss Helga had to be the two most disturbing characters ever dreamt up for selling cars. He is like Hannibal Lecter with an accent, especially as he smiles just before he “un-pimps ze auto”, and Miss Helga looks like she’s only interested in submission and pain. While we do applaud the attack on the neon rice-mobiles, that doesn’t make these Teutonic creepers any less unnerving. There’s something unnerving about the “VW” gang sign thing, too.

5. 2004 Dodge Durango

Banned nothing, this commercial actually did get airtime. Sure, it’s funny, but that’s about it. At no point is it proper to talk about size or length while in the latrine, gentlemen, and the benefit of having a 5.7 Hemi was kind of mitigated by the other two tons of Durango that came along with it.