If there is one thing that any parts clerk is grateful for, it’s that our little section of retail Hell doesn’t fall into the “Black Friday” hysteria quite like other stores do. The only ones less likely to have a hysteria run the day after Thanksgiving might be PetSmart and Petco, because I just don’t see lines of people waiting for bargain cat litter. I honestly thought that a couple of odd stories were over-sensationalized until a buddy of mine, who was a Wal-Mart manager when we were finishing high school, clued me in onto how bad things can really get. While the openers might groan over the couple of early birds waiting for us to unlock the front doors so they can get a quart of oil at the crack of dawn, or you might stress out if a few people are standing in line annoyed and complaining,  it still beats being the poor cashiers who have been roped into holding back the angry hordes of bargain hunters and sociopathic old ladies who are Christmas hunting. You couldn’t pay me nearly enough to do that line of work…and this is from an Iraq combat veteran. At least in Iraq I could shoot at someone who was intending to cause me harm. There isn’t a clause for what to do when sweet old Mrs. Murphy whips you in the stomach with a cane because you were looking at the last Suzi-Wets-Herself doll on the shelf.

In the spirit of reminding you just how good you have it, I went digging for some Black Friday horror stories told from the poor soul who happened to be on the schedule that day. There’s angry customers…there’s violent customers…there are “THIS-IS-SPARTA!” moments with the mobs. It’s the kind of stuff that makes you want to hide in the back of the store turning rotors for the rest of the day.

1. “My first black Friday, I was working at a Walmart. I was assigned to be one of the employees that would cut open the plastic on the pallets, which contained our merchandise, which were all in the floor. Basically, as I readied box cutter, a customer shoved me and I fell right on it and sliced my hand open. After getting through that and patching it up, I came out on the floor and promptly got punched in the face when I picked up a DVD on the ground. A customer apparently wanted it. F*ck black Friday.” -“Wildfires”

2. “I worked at RadioShack for a year in college. During Black Friday, one of the sale items was a $10 calculator marked down to $5. Two sweet, elderly women came in to the store looking for them. When I told them there was only one left in the display, the shit was ON.

It turned in to a geriatric version of roller derby without the skates. The one grandma who lost the race called the other one a “f*cking bitch” as she was standing in the checkout line, gripping her $5 prize.

I always imagined some little kid opening presents on Christmas morning and getting this stupid $5 calculator, not really wanting it and having no clue about the back story behind it, as his grandma, sipping her tea, looks on with a triumphant gleam in her eye.” –“Jsquaw”

3. “Last year I pointed somebody in the wrong direction to find a toy amidst the river of other crazy people trying to masturbate with my elevated stress level. Quickly realizing my dumb, I ran to find where Dora was really hiding, picked her up, toted her around the whole damn store until I found the lady, and then, as if I was expecting some kind of diamond studded praise like “thanks,” I stupidly hesitated just a second too long.

She grabbed my arm and leaned in a little too close and smiled, “it’s a damn good thing you came back,” motioning down with her chin to her purse, pulled out the butt of a pistol just long enough for me to blink and pull away from her, “because I was coming back to find ya!”

She then waddled her murderous little way back to the line where her kids had been waiting since we opened.” –“DandyDoodleDude”

4. “I worked at Target for 5 years as an electronics team lead and I saw some gnarly shit. The worst though was probably when I saw a man throw a 42″ TV at another man for cutting in line. The man that received the Westinghouse to the face received a concussion and several stitches while the thrower got multiple blows to the face from surrounding customers, an assault charge, and at least one night in county. Good times.” -“PityandFear”

5. “The old lady wanted a cancer pink-ribbon fabric, and the woman she ultimately tackled had called ahead and ordered a bulk amount of it, because she works for a cancer organization and makes blankets for cancer patients.

The woman was wheeling a cart in the store with several large bolts of the fabric in it (which she had special ordered, and we put it in the cart for her so she could continue shopping.) Old lady sees that this woman has “ALL the bolts” and it isn’t right that she’s hogging the entire stock of that particular print. The woman explains the situation and that she in fact special ordered these, and that the reason she was coming in on black friday to purchase them is because they were a major black friday promotion at 60% off.

The old lady continues to yell at the poor woman. The woman very calmly keeps trying to reassure her that she is not taking any of the store stock, and that she makes blankets for dying women with breast cancer. She is a very sweet store regular who pays out of pocket for all the blankets, and so my store held the fabric for her until black friday, when she would come in and purchase them with her coupon.

Old lady doesn’t give a shit. Whips out mace and tackles the woman.

Old lady gets kicked out of the store. She would come in once every couple of months, give me the stink eye, and then rebelliously write down recipes from the home and food magazines so she wouldn’t have to buy them. Then she’d scurry out and come back in a few months.” –“dothelokipokie”

(Stories sourced via reddit)