The premise here is this: I wanted a new car. My old 1997 Volvo 850R wagon has worn out its odometer to the tune of 200,000 miles. With all the mods I’ve added over the years between being lowered a lot, adding upsized wheels, super stiff suspension, beating on it at track events and generally being thrashed, the car is in tough shape. The interior is literally falling apart and breaking. The glass is cracking. It’s done. It’s been 15 years. Time for a new car.

I like wagons for their utility and, in some warped way I like the looks of a station wagon better than a four-door. Other than the interior not being able to stand up to the punishing suspension, my only other beefs with the Volvo were the front wheel drive [ as Adam Carola says; “Front wheel drive is wrong! It’s like a man with boobs – yeah, it works, but it just doesn’t have the same effect, no one wants to play with boobs if they are on a man…..” ] and the automatic transmission. I’m a stick shift guy, I like to shift. Just about everything else I own is a stick shift. I don’t care about all the advantages of the automatics with their seven or eight speeds and nano second shift times and dual triple whatever clutches, I couldn’t care less. I like to shift my damn transmission.

So the only wagon to consider, really, of all of the available wagons to choose from here in the USA is the Cadillac CTS-V wagon. And out of all the car reviews that I read [ and re-read over and over ] in all of the magazines and on the internet, the one article that got me to buy this car was written by Dan Neil in the Wall Street Journal.

Specifically the line he wrote that said; “….. If you drive this car you owe G-d or somebody an apology….”. Now, that’s my kind of car. I’ve been apologizing all my life. Perfect!

Well, not perfect. There is one problem…it’s freaking’ 4,398 Lbs. That is a lot of mass to move. This is one big heavy car. Now, I don’t want to get all discriminatory or anything, but heavy cars just don’t do it for me. The Volvo wagon’s curb weight was 3,230 lbs. and I removed 100lbs soon after I got it by jettisoning the spare, jack, rear cargo cover and replacing the hood and hinges with a carbon fiber hood and a prop rod. So it weighs 3,130 lbs.

The Caddy is almost 1,300 lbs more. That’s like carrying one hundred and thirty [130!] 10lb. bowling balls compared to the Volvo. Strike that.

Of course the power output of the CTS-V is twice as much as the Volvo, so there’s some consolation there, but that’s sort of like saying that fat girls have bigger boobs. Yeah, they do, but there’s more to life, otherwise all you’d be watching on TV is the sumo wrestling channel,  “Look at Miyosake there hunched over in the corner of the ring, he looks like a 78 triple D cup!” Oh, sorry for that bad visual.

Back to cars……..

What I figured I would do is challenge myself to losing 10lbs a week for a year. That’s right, permanently remove 10lbs a week from the Cadillac, every week, for a year. That would be 520 lbs. That would make it weigh 3,878 lbs. – about the same weight as a new Camaro SS.

It’s not 3,100 lbs like my 850R, but hey, I’m not the same weight I was back in 1997 either, ya know?

And speaking of the new Camaro, and the new Challenger, I call these the Anna Nicole Smith of cars – they are good looking, no doubt, but they sure are BIG!

Anyway, the car arrives a week from now. I think the first few weeks will be easy ones, just like any diet – the spare tire [ha, a pun! ], the mufflers [I plan to just run straight pipe out the back], the floor mats, front license plate and holder, stuff like that. Then I’m sure it will get harder and harder to take 10 lbs out of the car each week as the year progresses.

I do not plan to take out the airbags because they are all connected to computers and it’s a hassle I just don’t want to deal with. I also will not remove the A/C. Maybe 20 years ago I would have, but not now that I’m older and wiser and have more personal body mass to keep cool. And it’s a black car with a black interior. Other than that, everything else is open game.

I’m up to the challenge and open to suggestions. It’s an act of compromise – you give up stuff, but as Colin Chapman said, you add lightness.

So it’s game on.

Follow along and see how I do!