Almost exactly a year ago I wrote a Chadmouth titled “Travel Rookies Suck”, that got a lot of interest and resulted in lots of comments, emails, and phone calls. If you didn’t catch it, click this link before reading further. It took a year to finally decide I needed to write another rant about traveling, which surprises the holy hell out of me given the amount of travel I do. But this weekend on my way home from the Throwdown in T-Town I once again had to deal with idiocy that made me want to throw people out the emergency exit at 35,000 feet, so I’ll rant and gripe and define some more things regarding air travel that people seem to have trouble with and make me want to scream.
Ranting starts here.
If you are going to bring your three young children, and one in the oven, on an airplane with people that understand what caused you to end up with that many kids, have the common courtesy to either sit in the front or back rows. Preferably the front row where nobody has to sit in front of you and your little monsters. Either that, or try being a parent by explaining to your children what acceptable behavior is. They are smart enough to understand if you are smart enough to actually speak to them. If you don’t follow these simple tips, the dude sitting in front of you with the beard cannot be held responsible for what may come out of his mouth. So when said bearded man turns around and explains to your 5 year old boy that pounding on the tray table, shrieking, and kicking the seatback in front of him were not nice and that other people on the plane would appreciate it if he would calm down, you should expect it rather than looking as if someone pointed a gun at you. If you had the balls to explain the same thing to your kid, he would have been good through the entire flight instead of just the last 15 minutes. Plus, that way all the people on the plane won’t simultaneously hope for a sudden decrease in cabin pressure, at the same time that the oxygen mask in seat 16C malfunctions.
You already know I think that idiots who put their small carry-on bag overhead, taking up the room that real people need for actual luggage, should be thrown off the plane, but lately I’ve seen even more stupidity. Why is it that people seem to think that carrying on a science project backdrop or giant framed poster is somehow a good idea. Wherever it is you are flying from has a UPS or Fedex store, along with a post office, so get off your dead ass and ship that crap home rather than making the rest of us wait for the flight attendant to figure out a place to store it.
That last guy that hasn’t made the flight yet really doesn’t want to make it anymore than the rest of us want to wait for him. I mean let’s be real. Unless you are trying to make a flight to get home for a funeral or wedding, or have been gone so long your wife is waiting wearing the skankiest thing available in the Victoria’ Secret catalog, you don’t want to be the guy that gets the last seat available on the airplane. There is a reason that everyone else on the plane didn’t sit in that seat. Let your imagination run wild. I really don’t know why they hold the plane. Weird.
Electronic devices are only going to crash the plane if they are either connected to an explosive or are radar jamming. Mythbusters proved it. So shut up and quit bitching at me about turning off my Kindle. Hell, it’s a fancy Etch-a-Sketch, and I think any risk is offset by the fact that they encourage people to read. After all, we need all the help we can get since our kids only know texting shorthand.
Learn to count people!!! When you wait with baited breath for the 24 hour pre-flight window so that Southwest can give you a letter and number, you should then take some time to research what number comes before and after the one they have assigned you. They even put these cool silver towers up that have the numbers on them. How hard is it to actually stand in some kind of order? It’s pretty sad that the kindergarten student in line ahead of you only needed 5 seconds to figure out where to stand, but your 40 year old ass can’t figure it out. It’s not rocket science folks.
And how is it that folks who haven’t flown in 20 years, and are super worried about what to do at the airport, don’t do a little research to figure out that Southwest doesn’t assign seats anymore? Do these people really think that A20 is their seat number? Come on folks. Grow a brain cell or two. And stay out of the experienced traveler lane in security. You aren’t, we are. Leave that one for the pros.
And one last thing. When the old lady in front of you takes a few extra minutes to pull her scarf off, and remove her belt before going through security, either go around her or shut up. Bitching and moaning about her taking too much time is only going to piss me off and result in you having a much worse morning. Old people rule, and at least they have an excuse for being slower. If you are the guy that decides to be a dick to her, keep in mind that when you are 75 you’ll be glad not to be a bumbling idiot. Plus, you’ll be the guy that forgets his belt and then gets a cavity search. Karma is a bitch dude.
All those are reasons my ass doesnt get on a plane…I don’t have the ability to hold my mud…and I’d be cuffed and drug off the plane 5 minutes after boarding…..cruise ships are my favorite….maybe I’ll write my own “CHADMOUTH” about those experiences..nothing like turning your kids loose on a floating city with out of the country registery….LOL
I fly 2 to 4 times a year mostly to Expos and conferences.
I have a plastic belt buckle and slip on shoes.
I carry a small shoulder bag for all my crap to get thru security.
It’s rare that I take my laptop.
I just came back from Orlando Fl.
Orlando weather for a Coloradan is WET HELL.
Three or four ladies in their 70s( I am 64) were dragging suitcases half their size and they could not lift them to the overhead.
I never saw so many people with 3-5 small kids (5 years old and younger) on a plane.
I must admit they were quiet.
I wish the airlines would stop the CHEAP fare crap. Charge for suitcases in the ticket cost
and make the overheads only big enough for a small handbag or case. Everything else goes in the cargop hold.
Nick
I’ts Orlando. It’s where all the kids go.
Try flying to 3 towns in one week. The only thing that I enjoy (other than loads of free drink coupons) is being a premium member and getting to sleep on the plane before the hounds of hell descend on the plane whining and complaining that their life doesn’t resemble that of the TV gods they worship.
Strollers !! I have no problem with parents who think far enough ahead to bring a lightwieight stroller or uses the ones the airport provides (free). I have a problem with the stollers that are slightly smaller than the minivan that transported it. These monsters are twice the size, some have suspensions and almost always the stroller is holding oversized carry on while the kid is comfortable on mom’s hip. It takes a science degree to break them down and then… Lo and behold… they don’t fit in overhead. The whole thin is even worse if these folks missed the pre-board and are trying to board with the rest of us schleps. Nothing like 5 minutes in the aisle trying to fit a 4 ft long stroller in an overhead that already has people’s carry on. For the love of GOD folks… think what you’re doing before you bring it into a confined space that you have to SHARE with others.
When I traveled more often when my kids were little people were amazed, I would be able to break the stroller down with one hand (usually had the kid in the other) and normally would leave the stroller at the end of the gangway for them to stow in the hold. I’ve stopped blaming kids for being idiots, it’s because they are the offspring of idiots, they were destined for it
I fly around 5 times a year for business. Here’s a few:
– Fat people too big for a coach seat
– Fat carry on bags that won’t fit into the overhead no matter how hard a person tries to push
– People who fly in bare feet
– People who bring stinky food like big burritos on to eat. It’s a 2 hour flight. Can’t you wait?
– Rude TSA agents barking at you to remove everything from your pockets.
The bare feet thing creeps me out… especially if they smell. Which brings me to me next pet peave. Personal hygiene. Look… I understand that, after 2 hours waiting to board and after being assualted in security, no-one is going to be fresh and I understand that the plane will smell like a locker room after a long flight but my problem are you folks who board with that horrid chostic urine smell like you haven’t washed your clothes in weeks or your body odor is so over powering that I’m looking to open a window at 20,000 ft. The there are you folks who have never understood the concept of mouthwash or Tic Tacs but ultimate want to talk the entire trip. had a guy last year that had me gagging. Finally offered him a mint and offended him. (Shut him up at least). Or you ladies who insist on wearing the fragrance section from Target. Please… ladies… my eyes are watering !!!
Drunks who puke up the fith of Jack on the back of my seat mid-Atlantic. Glad I had downed a Ambian after leaving. My fave was the World flight out of Ft Campbell for my deployment when the stewardess asked us to point out rifles towared the outside of the plane and to place the crewserved machine guns in the isle pointed aft. I wish all flights were as safe.
I fly about 100,000 miles per year domestically and internationally. Traveling one airline that much at least gets me on board first so I’m more in amused disbelief of the overstuffed bags, strollers, and all the other boarding impaired people. But the one thing that will get an immediate negative reaction from me is the passenger behind me using my seat as a handrail for themselves; seat pullers suck. When you pull so hard on the seat in front of you that the passenger involuntarily reclines and then springs up when you let go, you are an asshat.