I’ve traveled for a living multiple times during my adult life, and while I have traveled more than I do now, I would still consider myself a professional traveler. I spend more than half of my time on the road, and during my travels tend to vent to my keyboard about all the stupid crap that people do on the road plus more. In this Chadmouth I’ll rant and gripe and define some things regarding air travel that people seem to have trouble with and quite frankly piss me off. Read it and you just might learn something that will help you or your significant other be a better traveler. Oh, and I’m going to ask some questions because…well quite frankly there are a lot of idiots out there doing shit I don’t understand.

Ranting starts here.

Don’t print your own boarding pass. You can check in online if you want, although if you are on Southwest where you can check in 24 hours prior to flying in order to get your seat, the $10 Early Bird fee each way makes it so you don’t have to do this. The stress is worth more than $10. Do the Early Bird deal. I’ve never been higher than A40. Back to printing your boarding pass. First, it’s a matter of principle. Like checking your own groceries. You paid for a plain ticket, they can give you your damn ticket. Stop spending more of your money on ink and a printer. Second, you just slow stuff down. The print at home boarding passes tell you to fold them in half on the dotted line. When you don’t do that, the attendant at the gate has to. That slows stuff down and annoys Chad. When you get to the airport, either walk up to the curbside baggage check and check in for your flight (regardless of whether you are checking bags or not), or go inside and walk up to the kiosk. It is fast if you have your credit card ready and can remember where it is you are flying to.

If you are going to check luggage, have the luggage ready. The rest of us who show up at the airport already packed and ready to travel don’t want to sit and watch you re-pack your underwear because you forgot that you can’t take a 4 gallon jug of hair product in your carry-on luggage. Speaking of liquids and regulations, how is it that any American can show up to an airport in 2011 and not know what they can and can’t bring on the plane with them? It never ceases to amaze me that people think a travel mug sized perfume bottle, or an iced latte, somehow don’t apply to the NO FLUIDS OR GELS BIGGER THAN 3.4 OUNCES rule! And no ma’me you may not split your 4 gallons of hairspray into a million 3.4 oz bottles and stuff them in 24 quart size Ziploc bags. Seriously, there is a WalMart or drug store anywhere you are going and they have the crap you need. If there isn’t a Walmart, or whatever, close enough to buy what you need then you are going to a place where, no matter what you look like, the men around will still want to do you. Get over it.

Don’t wear shoes to the airport. Seriously, why would you? Flip flops fit into the smallest women’s purse, so don’t use a meeting as an excuse. If you can’t kick them off, they shouldn’t be worn into the airport. And why do you need your belt and all that crap to go to the airport? Can’t you pull that out of your bag once you get to your destination? I used to wear a suit for work and traveled multiple times a week. I dressed like I do now for the flight, changed clothes at the airport, and got in a car to go to meetings. Seriously, if SuperMan can do it in a phone booth you should be able to handle it in a bathroom stall.

Oh, and if you are worried about being scanned by a machine that sees all your “private parts”, get over it. During your sorority and fraternity days none of you had issues with showing off your bits to anyone within 5 miles of your junior college campus, plus your daughter has much worse on her Facebook page. If some dude or chick wants to rub their bits while looking at an X-Ray of mine, they can knock themselves out. I don’t give a crap. With your past, neither should you. I’ve got friends in the TSA, and while they might stand there while you bitch about their procedures, they don’t get paid enough to actually listen. Get over it.

Once you have made it through security, please feel free to stock up on the overpriced airport coffee and a bagel or whatever it is you need. If you are going to drink alcohol at the airport, please drink enough to pass out or little enough that you will be quiet. If you become the guy that won’t shut up, people will want to throw you out of the airplane. On more than one occasion I’ve wondered what it would be like to test out the operation of the emergency exit door in order to enjoy the peace and quiet of the great outdoors. Here is a Litmus test…if Chad is annoyed by the amount of talking you are doing, the entire world is tired of you talking. Shut up. Do like the rest of us and enjoy the fact that this is the one time it is perfectly acceptable to speak not a single word to anyone for hours.

And now my favorite part of the flight. This is the boarding process. It’s the point at which every single rookie flier on the planet suddenly forgets everything they have ever learned about waiting in line and following instruction. With the words “Welcome to Gate XYZ for flight 1234” everyone loses their minds and the situation quickly resembles a green white checker at Daytona. If this describes your rookie flier behavior, don’t fret. First off, every employee of US Airways is infinitely worse at getting on a plane and flying than you are. Second, you can learn. So now that we are all racing to the plane in order to get a seat in the death zone (What is the death zone you ask? Read below), the real fun begins. We’ll use US Airways as the example because, well, quite frankly they are better at this one thing than anyone else in the aviation industry. They will repeatedly remind you that you are allowed one carry on bag and one person item. They will also remind you that your personal item must go under the seat in front of you. They don’t mean it. They talk a big game but don’t do a damn thing to keep people in line with carry on luggage. I have personally pointed out the error in their ways, and have been greeted with “smiles and hugs” as you can imagine.

What should you be doing with your carry on luggage? You should be taking your roller bag or duffel or whatever the largest bag is that you brought on the plane and sticking it in the overhead bin somewhere near your seat. You should be taking your “personal item”, meaning a purse, backpack, laptop bag, fanny pack, whatever, and sliding it under the seat in front of you. The only time you shouldn’t be doing this is if you are at the bulkhead and there is no seat in front of you. Do you need that extra leg room in front of you? (T%@ F*&$%^@ BAD ASS#@&$!!!! Sorry, I’m okay now.) Then be smarter than the seat, or get over it. If you are 5 foot 3 and brought a Coach bag on board that will hold Thanksgiving dinner, you’ll be fine. Stuff it under the seat, you don’t need the leg room. But I do need a place to put all my camera gear overhead. If you do need the leg room, that is easy. I carry a backpack with two laptops, keyboard, mouse, hard drives, somewhere in the neighborhood of $20 in change, lighters, cables, headphones, snacks and more. It just barely fits under the seat, but it does fit. I leave it there until we take off and then stand it up behind my legs leaning against the front of my seat. Wow, look at that, a nice ottoman for my legs which now have way more room than my stubby 5’10” frame needs. Get it? Be smart. Trust me, you don’t want to be the dumb ass who gets called out on a flight with me when I pull your little bags out of the overhead and, while holding them in the air, ask who the hell can’t fit this under their seat. No, really, I’ve seen me do it before.

The death zone is the area most idiots aim to sit in. The front of the plane specifically. Statistically speaking the part of the plane in front of the wings is the part where you have the best chance of being injured or dying in a plane crash. So run your asses off to get up front. The gene pool will thank you later.

The last part of my air travel rant covers arrival. Oh sweet Jesus, this is the part I like so much. While the flight attendants will tease you with all that business about the aircraft having 6 exits, there is only one they actually let you use without an impact or fire. That one is at the front of the plane. If you are in row 29, why are you getting up and causing a scene in the aisle? There is no need to rush, it won’t help you get off the plane any faster. Plus, you are a rookie so you checked bags even though you probably didn’t need to. Have you ever in your life gotten off a plane, walked straight to the baggage claim, and had your bag waiting for you?

Liar. It never happens. You have plenty of time to get to your bag or your next flight. They try really hard not to leave without you. Idiots. I’d leave your rookie ass in a heartbeat.

A BangShift Private Jet would rule. I’ll take a G3 or G4 please.