Click here to read the introduction of Project FatCad 

I decided I wanted a new Cadillac because I met all of their requirements. I just turned 50. Hey, that’s young by Cadillac standards. I make enough money, and I also happen to own the world’s fastest Cadillac, the Speed By Spectre SpeedLiner that we call The Infidel, which is also the world’s fastest gasoline powered car at 415 MPH. Thrust is provided by a Cad Company built 1970 Cadillac 500″ big block engine with a pair of turbo’s puffing into it. You can read more about the car, our exploits and our radical new push truck; the twin turbo (and also Cadillac powered) Double Dually 10 wheel pick up truck [ not a misprint ] that will act as the push truck for us at Bonneville. It’s on our website. Go to this link and keep scrolling down till you get to the Bonneville stuff:

So I am the ideal candidate that the Cadillac folks have been dreaming of. I started by looking at the Cadillac website. After poking around a bit, I found a feature called Build Your Own. Click on it and check the list of options you want and it tells you if you can or cannot order those options. After filling out information about myself and details and options on the car I want, including the fact that it is a WAGON, and that I want to SPECIAL ORDER it and am willing to wait months for it as I AM NOT IN A HURRY, it used my zip code to locate dealers near me.

I chose the nearest one and was given a choice to be contacted via: %u274F – Email %u274F – phone. I clicked on Email and waited for my InBox chime to sound. It didn’t. The home phone rang, my kids answered and told the caller what they always tell strangers who call us at home, because, it seems, we always get callers looking to refinance our home loan, or sell us real estate, or sell us stocks and bonds, etc. – the kids said “Dad’s on a rampage, he owes a lot of people lots of money, can you loan him money cheap otherwise he won’t come to the phone and will keep yelling and screaming and throwing dishes at us”.

Next, I get an email (Hooray! The system can be made to work), but whoever it is already has one demerit from me and now they are on probation with me as well because the email says as follows (names have been changed so as not to embarrass anyone):

Amir,
Thank for your inquiry on our 2011 Cadillac CTS V Series. Since 19XX our #1 goal here at Old Man Cadillac is your Complete Satisfaction. I have a question in regard to your V Series request? Do you want a 2 door coupe or a 4 door sedan? Please call me or email me back so I can check on availability of your new Black on Black CTS V. I look forward in hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Jim “Bob” Whiteshoes
Internet Sales Manager

See, right there in the email? This is why our country is failing. This is why the dealer network needs urgent repair. He wants to know if I want a 2 door coupe or a 4 door sedan. I filled out a form for a F*&^ing WAGON you moron. It said CTS-V WAGON on the top. It showed a picture of the wagon. It confirmed that that is what it sent you, MR INTERNET SALES MANAGER who calls on the home phone instead of emailing. The request was for a WAGON, dope.

But you know what? There’s no need for this vitriol in a civil society, so I reply back to him as follows;

“Bob”,

Amir Rosenbaum #86

The next email I get from him is a real winner and it goes like this:

Hello Mr. Rosenbaum,

My name is Jim “Bob” Whiteshoes, Internet Sales Manager at Old Man Cadillac. Thank you for your recent internet inquiry on our 2011 Cadillac CTS-V Wagon. After checking every dealer that would order vehicles with California Emissions, I have not found a single CTS-V Wagon. My only option is to ask you to contact me so we can set an appointment for you to come in and build your “Dream CTS” and then place an order. I look forward in hearing from you soon.

Best Regards,

Jim “Bob” Whiteshoes
Internet Sales Manager

OK, I said I wanted to order the car – I even filled out a section on the website where I wrote that it was my understanding that the cars were special order only and that there were none just sitting around on dealer lots – and this moron is telling me that he checked every dealer with California Emissions cars. He should check the space between his ears because that has nothing there too.

So I email him the following:

“Bob”,

Below is an email I sent yesterday around noon time. Please read it again.

“Bob”,

I’m tied up in meetings all week with no phone access. I want the CTS-V wagon. If I order the Black Diamond edition, it comes with the Recaros right? So what’s the difference between a CTS-V with Recaros and a Black Diamond. Other than the paint, what else is there?
I’m in no rush for the car.

Thanks,

Amir Rosenbaum #86

I get the following email from him:

Amir,

There are no other “differences”. The Black Diamond Edition comes with new “SpectraFlair” paint, Recaro Seating, Satin Black Wheels, and Midnight Sapele Wood Trim w/ Piano Black accents. These options are all included in the package, and can not be changed.

I would verify that you really want the Black Diamond Paint – it is much more metallic then our “Black Ice” (which is not available on a “V-Series”. It has a rainbow effect off of the metallic, similar to what you might find on some ski boats.

Wagon’s are only available as “sold orders” from the manufacturer – they are not producing them for inventory at this time. We would be looking at about a 9-11 week build time.

Thanks
Jim “Bob” Whiteshoes

OK, we’re getting somewhere, I reply with this email:

“Bob”,

Amir Rosenbaum #86

Sounds simple enough right? He’s the Internet manager, I’m a customer. I’m ready to buy. Sell me a God-Damned car already….. But no, it turns out that Cadillac dealers business plans call for playing with a customer, like with a 40 Lb. bass on a 25Lb line, toy with him, let him run, then reel him in, tire him out. That has to be it ’cause I can’t find any other logical reason for them to want me to go and buy a German car instead.

Here is his reply:

Good Morning Amir,

I will work on your request today and email over my results this afternoon.

Thank you

Jim “Bob” Whiteshoes
Internet Sales Manager

I sent my email at 7:00 am, got his reply above at 9:24 am. OK. It sounds good. I’ll wait.

And wait. And wait some more. The NEXT DAY, at noon, I get this:

Amir,

I hope you are enjoying your weekend with your family. I know that you would like to order your 2011 CTS-V Wagon soon. Is it possible that we can set an appointment for either Wednesday or Thursday of next week for you to come in and talk about your order and purchase?

I am sure you would love to be driving this vehicle in late spring and thru out the summer. We need to start the process to accomplish this goal. If this weekend works for you I will be here today and on Sunday. Please contact me so we can proceed.

Sincerely,

Jim “Bob” Whiteshoes
Internet Sales Manager
Old Man Cadillac

That’s it, I’m done with this guy. What happened to the “results” he was going to email me? How are we supposed to do stuff on the internet if he wants me to come in? He hopes I am enjoying the weekend with my family? What if I’m a closeted gay guy estranged from my family and just live alone with 17 cats? How dumb is this guy? And even if I do have a family (Which I do – 1 wife, 3 kids, 1 dog, no cats, and hopefully, after this rant, no rumors) why would I want to take away time from them to go and visit with him? What is there to talk about on Wednesday or Thursday that involves ordering and purchasing the car? I told him I want the car, I told him to check lease rates. Get a clue here, Meat, if I want you to check lease rates it’s probably because I want to ….. oh, never mind, it’s hopeless.

But wait, he decides to send two more emails long after I’ve moved on:

Amir,

Good Sunday afternoon!
I am quite surprised that you have not come by to talk about ordering your 2011 CTS-V Wagon. Your knowledge and passion about this vehicle is quite evident. What other information do you need from me to help you make your decision? I have checked all of California and I cannot find one vehicle that fits your request. Please contact me so we can set an appointment to build your vehicle on paper and then place an order or at least talk about this wagon.

I look forward in meeting you.

Thank you,

Jim “Bob” Whiteshoes
Internet Sales Manager

He just doesn’t get it does he? A few days later he follows up with this gem:

Amir,

I hope all is well with you and your family. I want to clarify your thoughts on ordering your 2011 CTS-V Wagon. I do not want to come off as someone who is bugging you but I do want to maintain my high level of Customer Service and Satisfaction. Do you have time to come into the dealership so we can talk and hopefully come to an agreement so we can order your car? Please inform me what you want me to do? I look forward in meeting you.

Jim “Bob” Whiteshoes
Internet Sales Manager
Old Man Cadillac

Again with the family! And do I sense that he now thinks he is bugging me? Did I give him reason to think this? He wants to maintain his high level of Customer Service and Satisfaction? Really? Is this for real? Am I on Candid Camera? Are cockroaches not the lowest life form on earth? What am I missing here? How in G-d’s creation is Cadillac still in business?

But, I still want the car……….

So I called my friend and former Uber-Cadillac Salesman Dennis Coy. They sure don’t make ’em like they used to, that’s for sure. Dennis is a pro is now a part owner of Showroom Sales and Leasing in San Jose California – shameless plug here for Dennis.

At Showroom, they always have a great assortment of cool cars for sale, some consigned. Great people to do business with. Dennis also brokers cars as it turns out. A quick call to him and it’s done! Literally in less than 10 minutes I have my CTS-V wagon on order. Build time is 8 weeks or less. I got it for almost 10% under sticker, nothing down, literally pocket change drive off, a tremendous lease rate and no penalty for post lease buy off. And boy do I need that no penalty clause because at the end of the lease this car will definitely not be in “returnable” condition. I will need to buy it out.

My friend Frank was looking for a new Boss Mustang – every dealer he called quoted stupidity like $10K over MSRP. Frank says; “It’s just a Mustang with some go fast parts on it!”. He’s right, of course. Dennis got him a car on order in the color that he wanted [ orange ] for $1K UNDER MSRP. Way to go Dennis. Nice car Frank.

But enough about Frank, my car will be here at the end of the month and then, THE DIET BEGINS! That’s when it literally goes under the knife…… 10 lbs a week, every week, for an entire year.