Writing the Scrapple column is a pain the ass. Mostly because this junk is usually stupid and we typically hate what is written about it by the “normal” press. But this week, as usual, we found stuff that we can make fun of, bash on, etc. Everything from Black Boxes in new cars to Twitter wars between two spoiled rich brats who happen to drive race cars. Note that we are not referring to them as racecar drivers because there is a difference.

The Blaze – Oh no, the big bad US Government is going to make “Black Box” data recorders mandatory in all new 2015 models of cars.

We’re not really sure who The Blaze is, but we do know that Liz Klimas, one of their writers, should find something better to write about. She’s apparently worried about Senate Bill S.1813, aka MAP-21, because Section 31406 stipulates that Vehicle Event Data Recorders would be mandatory on all 2015 models sold in the U.S. I hate to break it to you cookie, but almost everything sold today already has one. That’s why my new Impala rental car wouldn’t stay running when doing E-Brake slides. The inertia switch kills the ignition or fuel pump or both. Who cares. How do you think On Star and every other “we can let you back in your car or call 911 when your airbags go off” system works? Get over it. Or wrap your whole car in aluminum foil and see if that works. Maybe the people in Arizona will be okay since they have Solar Flares that seem to mess everything electronic up anyway. If people want a car that will talk to them, park for them, read the music off their iPhone, keep them awake, save them from themselves, etc, then what do they expect. Get over it, or buy something old and shut up. Picture this. Billy Bob drinks a few beer pops and heads home from the corn field party in his new truck and runs into Uncle Buck’s mailbox which sets off his airbag three miles from home. That nice bitch in the dash rings him up asking if he is okay because the world wide airbag detector said he was involved in a collision and Billy Bob spends the next 5 minutes trying to back off the concrete filled home depot bucket holding the mailbox while trying to convince her he is okay and that she should NOT call the cops. Dude should have kept his ’78 Chevy.

TechnoBuffalo (Seriously we couldn’t make this crap up) says the new 2013 Ford Taurus SHO is a “touchdown”.

Mike Perlman, with TechnoBuffalo (that won’t stop being funny), writes that the new Ford Taurus SHO “no longer qualifies as a viable candidate for your Grandma’s garage” because it has become a “sporty, respectable compact that competes with the likes of the Volkswagen Passat, Toyota Camry and Chevy Malibu.” Seriously? Wasn’t Sporty one of the Spice Girls? The little old lady from Pasadena would be one angry bitch if the Taurus was only thing she had available to fit in her “rickety old garage” rather than a “brand new shiny red Super Stock Dodge.”

I’ll give him the fact that the SHO Taurus makes big steam with 365HP and 350 lb.-ft. of torque, and at least it has all 4 wheels applying power rather than just the fronts. But, it still looks like a rental car and therefore deserves to be beaten within an inch of it’s life, but never cherished. Oh wait, you can’t do that either. Damn we forgot. They crazy cool torque vectoring control keeps you from doing anything that normal red blooded Americans would refer to as cool. Or as Mike put it, this is “a bust for drifters and hooligans.” Pull the motor out and put it into something cool and maybe we can talk, but after all it is still a Taurus, SHO or not. Oh it has massage seats. To keep you awake. A high performance car huh? Aren’t they supposed to keep you awake?

Chevrolet is Trademarking SS! Could it mean and all new car just called the SS? Oh my god I can’t sleep wondering.