It is amazing, the curative powers of disappearing for a week. Nothing will recharge your batteries faster than hiking through the woods, listening to the babble of a stream, enjoying the sights of a log cabin untouched for over a century just sitting through the woods. And, of course, the gigantic bowel movement that will happen when you stumble upon a mama black bear and her five cubs enjoying the morning on the same footpath you were enjoying. It’s all good…I’ve returned from my vacation with ten fingers, ten toes and no teeth marks in my hind cheeks, and it’s back to the normal grind. Which starts off with a peruse through some of the news bites that filled my inbox while I was away. We roast them like theme park attendants on a 97-degree October afternoon, pile ’em up like that all-you-can-eat pancake house does, and serve it up for you steaming fresh. It’s Scrapple…enjoy!
1. The new classics are starting to gain traction in the marketplace. Shame about that 2-3 shift though!
1997 Acura Integra Type R. This was the little screamer that was the opposing viewpoint to the “V8 or Die” ethos when I was in high school. It did have things going for it: 195 horsepower, 130 ft/lbs of torque, a rev range that was well-north of 8,000 RPM, and oddly reserved styling for a Japanese hot rod from the late 199os, shopping cart wing be damned. Every Honda and Acura wound up wearing the Type R name, but when it left the factory that way, it wasn’t something to toy with lightly. In 1997, this car sold for about $24,000. As of this week, this 6,190-mile example sold for $82,000. Not a bad investment.
2. “SAY WHAT AGAIN. I DARE YOU. NOW MAKE THAT F^@%ING LEFT TURN!”
If you have a 2018 or newer GM vehicle, you will soon be able to download Amazon’s Alexa digital assistant software to assist with navigation, media streaming services and hands-free phone operation. If you’re into that sort of thing. For the most part, we doubt you are, but if there’s even a sliver of yourself that’s perked up at the thought, then understand that you can download Amazon’s celebrity voice feature. There’s apparently a list of names that has not been disclosed, but the one name that has: Samuel L. Jackson.
Guess what’s getting downloaded onto the infotainment system in Grandma’s Buick Enclave!
3. It’s almost sadder than the fat cop trying to keep up in a foot chase.
Having a Tesla Model S chasing after you for short distances isn’t going to work out in your favor. Elon’s Electric Hot Rod can out-accelerate pretty much anything you bring, has plenty of room for you in the back, and in competent hands can actually perform pretty well. If you want a hope in hell of getting any kind of distance away from Officer Friendly, play the long game. During a high-speed pursuit, the Fremont Police Department in California determined that they had six miles of charge left and had to go find a plug. Officials believe that the reason the Tesla was drained was because SOMEBODY forgot to plug the car in the night prior, as the Tesla usually has about 40-50 percent charge left after a shift.
4. MMMM….minty fresh!
If you’ve spent five seconds around anyone with some fresh devil’s lettuce, you know that there is a particular odor that comes with the fun. Kinda skunky. Kinda funky. And in no way does any good grass smell like peppermint. But a Spanish man who was found with 1,130 plants in the back of his van insisted to officers that the shrubbery in his vehicle was peppermint.
I don’t know about you, but I have yet to see an eight-foot-tall peppermint plant.
5. Best of luck with your new gig!
Johan de Nysschen has been away from Cadillac for a little over a year now, which isn’t exactly a bad thing…between the brand’s move to SoHo, his “don’t mess with me” approach to dealing with critics, his alphanumeric naming strategy, and his penchant for delivering unbelievably gorgeous concept Cadillacs only to water down the final product to Luxury Car status at Alamo, missing him isn’t coming along easily. But don’t feel too bad for Johan…he’s recently got himself a new position, as the Chief Operating Officer for Volkswagen’s North American region. The plan is to have him focus on vehicles specifically aimed at the American marketplace (read: bigger SUVs.)
“Man, the cops here have figured out how to tell my weed from oregano… I’d better say they’re a different spice! Yeah, that’ll fool them!”
Also, peppermint and marijuana look nothing alike other than being green.