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Scrapple, Your Guide To The “meh”-Worthy News! This Week: That Poor, Poor Gator.


Scrapple, Your Guide To The “meh”-Worthy News! This Week: That Poor, Poor Gator.

And in the blink of an eye, we have progressed through the lovely part of Spring and have skipped straight into the humidity and heat of summer. Or, at least, that’s what I’m telling myself as I’m preparing the speech that the HVAC company is gonna get first thing in the morning regarding my now completely non-op air conditioning in the household. I don’t like sticking to my office chair! But there is a sure-fire way to cure that: go outside and enjoy the breezy conditions. Plant a garden. Fix a car. Hell, fix two. Enjoy the metric ton of pollen that each tree is dumping out for your sinus’s pleasure. As we all take our time to get the last vestiges of mild weather in before the sun takes over and the annual slow-roasting begins, be sure to check out some of the small news clips that crossed our desk this week, which we’ve gathered up, lightly roasted and have prepared for you to enjoy on the back patio with a light, cool drink. This is Scrapple…enjoy!

1. Please be the murder floof we remember. Please.

It’s known as the “DT Project P”. Yeah, it sounds like the title of a low-rent porno flick, but take a closer look at that shape and focus on “DT”. DeTomaso. Becoming clearer? Usually, when we show you a picture of a camouflaged car, we have to add in some kind of note that we cannot confirm or deny, but not here. DeTomaso, now owned by Hong Kong investment firm Colsolidated Ideal TeamVentures, is offically going to debut “Project P” at the Goodwood Festival of Speed on July 4th, 2019. All that is known is that the car “will not be a static show-car shell”. Good. Now make that sucker bark like the V8s of old, and we’ll be all over ourselves. It is Ford powered….right?

2. You know traffic flat sucks when…

Picture this: You’re stuck in the kind of traffic that therapists blame for anger management issues. You’re moving like a slug on a bed of salt, and your stomach is loudly protesting the fact that your tank is on empty. Dammit, you’re hungry, and you know what sounds amazing right now? A burger. Screw your health-food stuff, get me a freaking burger right now, as I sit here. Good pipe dream, right? Well, in Mexico City, one of the world’s most congested cities, Burger King actually tried this out. Using real-time information from sources like digital billboards, Waze, and the Burger King app, those stuck in traffic were able to be fed. The to-your-window service was so effective that Los Angeles, Shanghai and Sao Paulo are up next for the delivery service.

3. ENOUGH ALREADY, CHEVROLET!

The last Chevrolet TrailBlazer was 210 electrical faults barely held together with rust and more plastic than you’d find outside of the Corvette plant. Sorry, not a fan. But compared to the next thing that’s about to wear the name plate, the GMT360 platform will look properly delightful by comparison. Unlike the “RG” TrailBlazer sold in Southeast Asia, Australia, South Africa and Saudi Arabia, the next form expected for the USDM market is instead expected to be a shrunken little crossover ute that will be about the size of the Chevrolet Trax and appear to be like the newest form of the Chevrolet Blazer…if you shrunk it in the wash. Because that’s what the market wants, right? Another tiny-ass crossover that certain “automobile” sites will laud for their urban appeal and distance from actual masculinity?

4. Can’t you just find a $500 beater on Facebook Marketplace instead?!

On one hand, this is proof that the manual transmission isn’t dead. Somebody out there really wanted to learn how to row their own gears, and a knowledgeable individual proceeded to teach the newbie the methodology behind the three pedals that baffle so many. On the other hand, it was two idiots that worked at Hawk Ford in Oak Lawn, Illinois, and the car was a Ford Focus RS that was owned by a customer who was smart enough to have a dash cam installed on their car. Just going out on a limb here, but we doubt that anyone would have been pleased to learn that their car was picked for Student Driver duty without prior knowledge.

5. So many jokes…so, so many jokes…

I hope nothing tops this story, because this is officially the weirdest f**king thing I’ve ever read and I don’t want the bar to go any higher. A couple were pulled over in Charlotte County, Florida for running a stop sign. The officer performing the stop received permission to check bags in the truck, with the occupants telling him that they had been out collecting frogs and snakes from under an overpass. After 41 turtles had been found in the woman’s backpack, the officer asked if she had anything else captured. This is when she pulled a one-foot-long alligator from her yoga pants for the officer.

I swear, I can’t make this shit up. I am not that good. Florida Woman pulled a f**king alligator from her yoga pants and showed it to a cop.

According to reports, the gator took a huge gulp of fresh air and screamed out, “UGH! Finally, some fresh air!”

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission are investigating. No word on what kind of therapy the gator will require.

 


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4 thoughts on “Scrapple, Your Guide To The “meh”-Worthy News! This Week: That Poor, Poor Gator.

  1. phitter67

    I was going to tell you that the theme song for “Tom Slick” is still stuck in my head, but… No. Can’t do it. I can’t think of anything printable about that alligator story.

  2. john

    Have an idea for a new car camouflage…VOMIT. Who doesn’t turn green or at least turn away at the sight. Make sure to include ” industrial sized chunks”, borrowing a line from ” Red October”.

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