That’s hot! I exclaimed as I singed my hand on a “Paris Hilton Celebrity Styler” (curling iron) that Mrs. Speedzzter left smoldering in the sink. Through the pain, I began wondering, what does Paris Hilton know about engineering hair care appliances? But then, what does George Foreman know about electric grilles? Or what does Michael Jordan know about designing athletic shoes?
Apparently, legions of overpaid marketing department suits believe celebrity product endorsements are “hot.” They say a celebrity endorsement helps a product stand out in a sea of barely distinguishable lookalikes. It supposedly gives ordinary consumer gear a touch of panache.
There’s no reason that motorsports luminaries shouldn’t be getting in on this “money for nothing” action. Here are eleven “hot” motorsports celebrity-product tie-ins that are just begging to be created:
11. Rich Christensen’s “All Out” Antiperspirant and Liniment: Anyone who spends as much time flapping giant “steroid cannon” arms on hot summer days at drag strips had better have some industrial strength deodorant (Or a big honkin’ exhaust fan in that 6×6 Hummer).
10. Dale Junior’s “Club E” Sippin’ Whiskey: While cynics could question the sobriety of the vast majority of the “Junior Nation,” there’s no doubt that Junebug’s “racing luck” has fans of the 88 periodically seeking a soothing shot of bottled “comfort.” And who better to make a “sippin’” recommendation that the proprietor of “Club E” himself?
9. Danica Patrick’s Speedway Lingerie: After all of the Go Daddy commercials and magazine photo shoots, it’s abundantly clear that Ms. Patrick loves to strut “pin-up” style. And what BangShifter wouldn’t want to surprise his squeeze with a Nomex basque or bustiere endorsed by Danica?
8. Vic Edelbrock Jr.’s Home Foundry Kit: All of those bitchin car club plaques in Freiburger’s latest “Hot Rod Deluxe” got me thinking about how casting bits at home is rapidly becoming a lost art. Who better than America’s most famous BangShifting entrepreneur to reintroduce the joys of forming molten aluminum in your own garage?
7. Carroll Shelby’s Guide to Lawsuits for Fun and Profit: I can’t think of anyone in motorsports who knows more about suing folks than Ol’ Shel. (Please don’t sue me, Mr. Shelby!)
6. John Force’s Course on Public Speaking: Move over Dale Carnegie! Burn the Toastmasters! Who would be better to guide laconic linguists to the joys of public loquaciousness than drag racing’s legendary 300 m.p.h. mouth?
5. Jeremy Mayfield’s Home Drug Testing Kit and Emergency Hide-a-way Motorman’s Bottle: Don’t let “the man” can you because of a bogus, secret drug test. Now you can leave home knowing the facts (and packing a clean sample, just in case . . . .)
4. Rick Hendrick’s Presidential Pardon Kit: What hungry “go-getter” doesn’t have to bend an occasional law? Certainly billionaire motorsports/automobile retailing moguls do. And when those pesky prosecutors aren’t dazzled by a truck load of championships or a van full of expensive lawyers, you may need to appeal to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for a little “justice.”
3. Bernie Eccelstone’s Do-It-Yourself Pre-nup and Divorce Kit: Formula One mogul Bernie Eccelstone knows that not having an “exit strategy” when your former “Amazon” supermodel wife dumps you can cost some serious coin. . .
2. Jimmy Johnson’s Championship White Sandwich Bread: Nobody evokes gummy “white bread” blandness more than Four-Time NASCAR Cup Champion Jimmy Johnson.
1. David Freiburger’s Hose Clamps: Can you think of anyone famous who’s ever done as much with simple hose clamps? I didn’t think so.
