Let’s face facts: I’m 6’3, 270lbs, and I have a size 15EE shoe.  Those three facts combine into someone who has a legitimate justification for owning a larger vehicle. Hell, unless I’m in street clothes I find the military LMTV truck just barely roomy enough. Over the years I’ve had friends and colleagues ask me why I didn’t just give in and get a crew-cab diesel dually so I’d be comfortable. I don’t really have an answer to that, as that both sounds really cool and sounds like justification for a new ride that I can’t afford. But there is the other end of the scale as well, one that requires me fold up into Position #42 from the Karma Sutra before I can attempt to fit. So what, exactly, have I managed to wedge my big ass into? Here’s the top 10 Tiniest Cars I’ve ever managed to fit in.

11. 1989 Hyundai Sonata

I was seventeen and my cousin, on the advice of my grandfather, brought this turd of a car home. Look at the pictured ride, except rip off the hubcaps, screw up the paint, rip off the rear bumper cap and put something dead in the trunk for two weeks, just to make sure the smell is perfect. The second I laid eyes on that horrifying shitbox I insisted that I would never drive it, but when you’re a teenager and need a car to get to work, sometimes you do things you didn’t want to do. This one wasn’t too bad on room but it still was beyond the size of car I’d prefer.

10. Geo Metro

My stepfather owned one of these little gas-sipping gumdrops for a while. For one reason or another I ended up driving the car around. Apparently whoever set up the clutch feel in these cars used Great-Aunt Ethyl as the basis for clutch stiffness…absolutely no feel whatsoever. Leaning the seat back a little did wonders.

9. Rolled-over Mustang II

I normally fit just fine into a Mustang II. However, once the windshield and A-pillars have collapsed under their own weight, things get incredibly tight. The car was a notchback version that had been rolled into a ditch. After being turned right-side-up the car started just fine, so we decided to see if it’d drive around just fine. It looked like the roof was form-fitted around me.

8. Subaru Leone

I don’t remember the “why” part of the story but at one point in time two of these eye-bleach worthy wagons graced our presence. You took your life into your hands driving one of these, I swear. I calculated that if you got hit at anything over 25mph you were going for a ride in the meat wagon. Just to prove my point, the redneck neighbor decided to back a ’75 Plymouth demo derby car through the side of one at about 40-ish MPH. The B-pillar was shoved in to almost the shifter. Yikes.

7. Ford Fiesta

“Fiesta” is “party” in Spanish. Whoever thought that was the perfect name for this Coke-can rattletrap must’ve been slamming José Cuervo like none other, because this thing could kill parties. This was rolling birth control. I’ll give credit that it was roomier in the cabin than it should have been, but that might have been because we hacked the roof off and turned the car into a pseudo-ute. Redneck engineering for the win.

6. Fiat 500

When the Fiat 500 was being shown at the 2010 SEMA show, I had to try to fit into one. One of two things was going to happen: A) I wouldn’t fit, or B) I would but it would look like a clown car. Guess which one happened. I can physically drive a Fiat 500. Or, more appropriately, wear one.

5. Dodge Avenger Coupe

Of all of the cars on the list, this one was a surprise. I had decided that I wanted a commuter car with a five-speed manual transmission and two doors that could pull some decent MPG numbers. This car was on the final list, but once I drove it, I couldn’t wait to get out of it. The Avenger and Sebring are mechanically the same as the third-gem Mitsubishi Eclipse, and you can tell it was designed with the Japanese dimension regulations in mind. It’s the largest car I’ve ever felt claustrophobic in. There is no happy way to adjust the seat and steering wheel to fit someone my size…which is odd, because my best friend had the Eclipse, is my size, and swore he loved the car. Masochist.

4. Chevrolet LUV

The predecessor to the Chevy S-1o is a Micro Machine. The LUV was like a happy bumbling puppy: It would do whatever you asked of it but don’t expect anything smooth. The engine had to be the first case study in NVH prevention, because I could sense when each rocker arm moved in that engine by holding onto the shifter. The clue about the truck being too small occurred when I was in one off-roading when the driver decided to jump it at fifty miles an hour. There was a perfect dent in the roof where my head hit.

3.  Ford Bronco II

No wonder the Explorer was such a hit. After driving one Bronco II, which was about as lifted as the pictured truck, I became very, very aware of top-heavy vehicles. Driving one I felt like a lemur holding onto a steering wheel. My uncle owned one, and got him to let me borrow it so that I could take two friends to a sandpit in Colorado Springs for a while. Three teenagers well over six feet tall in a top heavy SUV…great ideas just waiting to happen there! There may have been an incident where I jumped the truck over my friend Josh…but I’m not admitting that. Just saying it might have happened.

2. VW Karmann Ghia

I don’t remember why I had to drive my friend Stephanie’s Karmann Ghia from West Fort Hood into Killeen, Texas. I just remember that the seat was jammed all the way forward, it couldn’t adjust, and that I could heel/toe the car using one foot for all three pedals. By far and wide my most miserable driving experience ever. She adored her car and I’ve heard similar things from all early VW owners. I will disagree until I die. The things I do for friends…

1. Lotus Elise

I couldn’t help myself. The Lotus Elise is many things: a great track car, a cute little roadster…and too damn small for yours truly. This was at Bandimere and there were witnesses to this occasion. The Elise was about two cars behind me in the lanes and since there was something going on I asked the guy if I could try to wedge my big ass in there. Strangely enough, he said yes, and the next thing I knew I was in the car. Here’s the truth: Certain body parts would be in danger of getting tangled in the steering wheel and I couldn’t move my leg well enough to run the clutch. And for bonus points, I pulled a groin muscle getting out of the damn thing.