Recently the International Consumer Electronics Show wrapped up at the Las Vegas Convention Center. Normally, this would barely register on the radar here at BangShift, but then we started noticing some films that came from Kia Motors. Two films are computer-generated cartoons, the third an explanation that goes in-depth into what the first two are trying to showcase. In this case, Kia is pushing their “post-autonomous” driving era tech which is driven by a system called Real-time Emotion Adaptive Driving System (R.E.A.D.) that is a joint-venture project with the MIT Media Lab’s Affective Computing Group. R.E.A.D. is designed to “optimize and personalize a vehicle cabin space by analyzing a driver’s emotional state in real-time through artificial intelligence-based bio-signal recognition technology. The technology monitors a driver’s emotional state and tailors the interior environment according to its assessment – potentially altering conditions relating to the human senses within the cabin, creating a more joyful mobility experience.”

With manufacturers hell-bent on an autonomous driving future, we aren’t shocked to see this coming. What does surprise us is how they present it to consumers: in the form of an anthropomorphic sunfish, one dramatically smaller than the real-deal, 2,000 pound Mola mola. This cute little sunfish has the kind of stress problems that a psychologist could only dream of, from a boss that laughs like the Devil to tiny fins that are able to drive the barely-notable pod machine featured, but unable to do just about anything else. But once the vehicle fully takes over, changing everything up to make the little sunfish’s situation perfectly tuned to what they demand, then everything seems bright and cheery.

I’m sorry, but this smacks of pipe-dreaming almost as badly as the days when manufacturers would claim that nuclear power would be taking care of every automobile’s energy requirements to me. This isn’t Kia embracing driving, it’s Kia embracing the idea of the perfect autonomous pod. The voice within the pod that cheerfully proclaims, “Enjoy your driving!” the moment the seat reclines, the steering mechanism disappears into the dash. This isn’t driving! It’s a single-serving of what Greyhound offers up on the cheap combined with the pampered-until-spoiled mentality of a luxury airline’s trans-oceanic First Class setup.

My opinion, for whatever the hell it’s worth: if you really want a car to do all of this for you, why do you own a driver’s license? Why do you bother? Air conditioning, infotainment, cooled seats for the love of God…that wasn’t enough? Now the car has to figure out what you’re feeling and adapt to you?

I need a drink. And whoever is dreaming this up needs to just stop.