You know, I was beginning to enjoy the quiet. Sharing a meme every now and then on Facebook with some like-minded individuals, lightly chuckling at typical parts-guy jokes like the whole “year-make-model” cracks. I get that the new guy can be easily confused. I get that it’s always a riot to have the young kid behind the counter describe what a 1997 Toyota’s water pump gasket looks like. And we all know that one blowhard who thinks they know everything until someone like…well, like readers like you, really, come walking in with a list of parts but in order to get your parts list ordered you have to reference fourteen different cars, three of which might not even be in the database and eight of which are from manufacturers that have been defunct for at least ten years, maybe more. It’s all in good fun, but after a while, it gets boring, doesn’t it? Same joke, same quip, same laugh.

Well, I want to have a new laugh. And I’m about to have it at the parts guy’s expense.

If there is anything about the COVID-19 pandemic and the situation that we are all in that annoys me more than staying at home, sipping cold drinks from the comfort of the hammock on my back porch in the middle of Corn Field, BFE, it’s every dork that’s cheerleading themselves as “essential”. Now, I want to be clear: This isn’t about medical personnel, food production specialists, care providers, truckers, or anybody who is genuinely needed to work during this insane stretch of history. To you all, I thank you and keep up the great work. But for everybody who thinks that just because they have to come in to work means that they are on the same level, news flash: you ain’t. You’re lucky to be working at all, regardless of the social distance guidelines. Lots of people are on full hiatus and are worried about what’s next.

Why am I so worked up and why does it involve the parts people? Parts stores are considered essential because vehicles will need parts when they break, regardless of whether it’s the ambulance, the patrol car or your 1988 Chevy Nova that just snapped a drive axle. And from what I’ve seen over the last few weeks, a lot of y’all behind the counter have developed quite a chip on your shoulder about being “essential”. It’s one thing to make the jokes. But here’s where I want to step in and remind you of your place in the world:

If you aren’t willing to run codes or even go outside to assist a customer but have no problem bringing out curbside delivery, shut up. And if that’s your company policy, then your company can cram it too. If you’re so essential, then surely you won’t have any problem with helping other essential workers in keeping their vehicles on the road? Plugging in a code reader and providing a list of OBD-II codes takes just a couple of seconds and does not have to be a close-proximity event. Since I’ve seen plenty of workers wearing masks and latex gloves, this should be a no-brainer. You don’t know if the customer is a hospital worker, a trash truck driver or Joe Blow from down the street. You just know that they asked you for help, and you…you refused to help them by doing a part of the job you would’ve normally done any other day of the week?

You’re essential? Please. You’re replaceable in half a second, and if you don’t think so, think about everyone else who got fired or quit. What were the managers doing right away? That’s right: digging up a replacement out of the databank of applications. So either do the job properly, or vacate the position for someone who will. Collect your unemployed paycheck and yelp about how you weren’t being treated fairly or whatever you’ll tell anyone else. If the fast-food workers can manage to find a way to keep serving up burgers and fries during all of this, you can be bothered to stick a reader into an OBD-II port for someone worried about their mode of transportation.

And before you call me out for not working, remember: I left the counter nearly six years ago now!