You know, when it was recommended that I find something better to do than bitch about customers and morons in my line of work, I had plenty of options in mind. I could go fishing. I could learn how to play guitar. I could even elect for some plastic surgery so I could take this mother-lovin’ bag off of my head and not scare the customers too badly. But instead, here I am reviewing, of all things, a children’s book for you. I’m not saying I’d rather be out changing the battery in a 1997 Dodge Stratus, I’m just saying that I’m reflecting a minute on my life decisions when I find myself reviewing a kid’s book in the name of job security. Ah, well, screw it…let’s see what I get to read today.

Ok, today, kids, we have “T is for Turbo”, an alphabet read-along style book aimed at very young children, written by …oh, you’re kidding me. Mike Meyers? I’m sure every dude named Mike Meyers is face-palming themselves every time someone coughs up a Halloween joke, so I’ll skip that entirely. We have bright enough colors and a friendly turbo-snail…good start. Even without opening the book, that’ll get some questions out of the little tyke. “Where is the snail’s shell?” Good question, Timmy! You see, this little snail isn’t as slow as other snails, like the ones you took out of Nana’s garden and left in her houseplants last summer. This little snail makes whooshy and chirpy noises and makes the car go fast. You like to go fast, right?

Moving along to the meat and potatoes of this book…”A is for Alternator”, “B is for Brake pads”, “C is for Camshaft”…hmm, I’m liking where this is going! Each letter has a good picture or drawing of the item being displayed and a quick, concise explanation that is perfect for a curious four-year-old or a clueless forty-year-old. Being a children’s book, however, you will have to understand that “D is for Dammit, That’s what Daddy yells” and “E is for Everyone at the DMV, they all can go to Hell” won’t be in this book. And for the love of everything holy, don’t mention those jokes when you’re trying to teach a young’un about how the family car works. Your kid will learn those words in due time as they watch you spin wrenches on the car.

Kudos to someone putting out a book like this, though. It’s simple, straightforward, and obviously meant for kids but it’s not so child-friendly that it will be considered as syrupy and “baby-ish” as, say, a Muppet Babies book that tries to do the same thing. It’s the perfect way to explain to a young child why Grandpa is broke and Gramma is mad at him this week…but don’t worry, next weekend we will take the car for a ride, I promise!

(Thanks to Aaron Christensen for suggesting this book for UPCG to read!)