Make no mistake about it, fellow minions: the bagged one is not a morning person. Want me to come in early afternoon and hang around until closing? You got it…I can tolerate the general public’s crap (or, at least, refrain from wrapping brake lines around the necks of the sincerely problematic) just fine. But what about the early morning shift? If anything, morning is more crucial than afternoon: the commercial accounts are going to be putting in orders for the day and the shade tree mechanics are going to be picking up their parts and supplies in the hope that they can get everything done by dinner. Does that make me want to rise with the sun and get a move-on early in the morning? Nope. Everybody knows that their own bed feels coziest just as you’re waking up in the morning, and I wake up over the span of a couple of hours. But let’s say that I was unable to do anything and I’m saddled with opening the store at seven in the morning. How does this work for a night owl?

5:15 am: First alarm. Promptly shut off and ignored. I refer to this as the “sleep appreciation alarm”…it rips you out of deep unconsciousness and brings you close to the surface, but not to the point of giving up on sleep. It’s like slapping the snooze button, but a little more satisfactory. I personally use a low-key, mellow song on my phone’s alarm for this…remember, the point is to rouse you, not completely wake you up. Just shut it off and enjoy a few more minutes…you deserve it. NOTE: Do not try this if another person is in the room with you…they may not appreciate your technique as much as you do. Chances of injury are heightened.

5:35 am: THIS is the real alarm. Forget some mellow piano music, it’s time for loud, bombastic rock music that will get your ass up and moving in no time, or the kind of BEEP-BEEP that simply can’t be ignored. For this alarm, I suggest using a clock radio that is halfway across the room, with the volume cranked. Why? Forcing yourself to stand up and shut the noise off before the neighbors complain is the key…as soon as your feet hit the cold floor, you’ll have to hit the bathroom, which means that the thirty minutes of creaking, groaning, grunting and general zombie-like behavior has begun. You’re awake, but you surely aren’t happy about it. If you struggle with this second step, we suggest letting your significant other or child hit you with a low-level Taser. That’ll get you on your feet in no time…

5:45 am: Shower. Second to coffee, this will at least make you feel a bit better about being awake. Soap and water, wash your hair, and let the steam break up your sinuses so that you have one less headache to deal with today. At least five minutes if you have to scrub and dash, a half-hour if you have the time. Be sure to brush teeth on the way out of the shower, and shave (if you’re so inclined.) Oh, and deodorant would be highly appreciated. I know, most of you are adults and know this stuff, but there’s always that one guy that doesn’t quite get it.

6:15 am: By this point in time, you should be clean, dressed, semi-human and ready to leave the house. Your final checklist: Keys? Wallet? ID? Pants? You did remember the deodorant, right? Good…it’s time to leave the domicile and head to the detention facility, inmate store for opening.

6:45 am: Stop by the local donut shop. Pick up enough donuts that everybody can easily have two and some coffee. Don’t skimp on the donuts, either…you don’t want someone to complain about only getting that one cake donut nobody else wanted. There is logic behind this formula: the coffee not only has caffeine, “the quicker picker-upper”, but has some bonus effects that will take place right about the time you need your first break from the customers. The donuts? Find me one office place that donuts wouldn’t be a welcome addition. This is your peace offering to the other employees: “I brought you something to make your day a little brighter…don’t $*@% mine up.” 98% of the time it works. Distrust those who choose dry cereal, granola, or those who drink what looks like an ice cream sundae in a Starbucks cup.

6:55 am: Pull into parking lot, park in “Employee Only” spot, juggle coffee, donut box, and keys. Acknowledge anyone waiting outside, but keep moving…they know what time you open, and even if you are in a giving mood and want to move them along prior to unlocking the door, the correct answer is “as soon as I’m ready”, not before. Place donuts and coffee, prepare your cash register, boot up the computers, and start chanting “I need the check” to yourself over and over again.

No later than 7:00 am: “Good morning, sir/ma’am! How may I help you today?”