It’s been a rather boring couple of weeks at the store. Nothing…and I mean nothing…had been really notable or funny. I got a couple basic laughs here and there, but lately I had been wondering if the freaks are done for the year until itstarts getting cold again in the fall.

 Then this week happened and renewed my faith…

1. If I tell you no, I mean NO!: Another day, another battery…this time in a Jeep Patriot. For such a small vehicle, the battery is actually very easy to get to, so kudos to Chrysler for that miracle. As the old, corroded battery comes out, I notice a PUDDLE of battery acid in the plastic battery tray. The customer becomes very curious, so I quickly inform him that what he’slooking at is battery acid and to be careful.

He STICKS HIS HANDS IN THE PUDDLE, just to be sure.

I call it the Hot Stove effect. In order to properly learn, you must experience, even at a cost to yourself. One sees the stove, sees the pretty red glow, and instead of having the instinctive “I shouldn’t touch that!” response, they grab ahold of it. I didn’t hide my opinion at all. I ran inside, grabbed acupful of the acid neutralizing “cocaine” and dumped it over his hand, while spitting out many non-friendly epithets about his idiocy. He even tried to stutter something out about how I didn’t properly warn him. What part of

“Don’t touch that!” wasn’t clear enough?! Serves him right.

2.) Pranking coworkers: Best. Idea. EVER! Warehouse Guy and I have a pretty interesting relationship at the store: He’s Vietnam era and could give a shit less what anyone thinks. I’m OEF/OIF era, and could give a shit less what anyone thinks. Our humor is pretty much identical. So when a gas tank for a 68-72 GM X-car was returned to my store, I wasted no time. I sat it next to his desk with a note: “To (Warehouse Guy): Now you don’t have to worry about those embarrassing age issues. You won’t even have to leave your desk to use the can! Just remember to empty it every so often.”

The next day I came into work. I had left my uniform shirt in the office. It was found in the freezer, encased in ice. Well played…

3. They aren’t ever supposed to touch!: A customer is in the back looking at towing appendages when he starts laughing. All of the counter clerks look at each other with that “WTF?” expression. I’m familiar with some of the funny stuff we sell: Dr. Tranny’s Shudder Remover, the fuses “That Glow when You Blow”, etc. He brings up a device that roughly looks like two tennis balls on metal rods used in aiding trailer hookups. The line that sent him over the edge? “When balls touch, you’re ready to hitch!”

Just think…someone actually got paid for writing that.

4. Don’t act like a boss if you ain’t the boss: I have a lot of sympathy for Store Manager. His day always starts out looking like a big ball of stress and by the time he leaves, he is one. It’s no secret at all that Corporate couldn’t pay me enough to have to take a bite of a crap sandwich every day and tell them that I taste Nutella. Part of it is my degree, which showed me to think as a manager and to understand the actions they perform. Most employees don’t have that kind of vision, and easily scapegoat the manager for whatever issue they are having.

In particular, we have a driver who was hired on shortly after I was. He has never seemed happy with any part of his job…he disliked deliveries, doesn’t seem to like working counter, hates stocking. A few days ago, whatever issues he’d been building up inside of him came roaring out.

He asked Store Manager if he could meet with him in the office. The second they shut the door, Driver exploded with the force of the Hiroshima bomb. For almost five minutes it was nothing short of pure, unadulterated fury as he went off over all of his grievances. All of the counter clerks working at Warehouse Guy were wide-eyed…you could hear him from the front of the store!

Once he was done, Store Manager, who admitted he was shocked by the events, just nodded, smiled, and said two words in response: “You’re fired.”

Hopefully things get back to abnormal shortly…