Another week, another week closer to ditching winter. While we wait with baited breath for Punxsutawney Phil to make his annual appearance in public…and I prepare for another week of wanting my own groundhog mittens. If you check the record, the rodent flip-flops every year, so, going by last year’s predictions, we should see a short winter. Right…and I’ll see a flock of pigs fly by my house, too. Meanwhile, we have actual news! It’s not great news…some of it is quite tepid…but we’ll spice it up a bit, rehash it a little, and serve it up to you nice and fresh-like. This is Scrapple!

1. Oh, goodie: the “Greenest” and “Meanest” list has appeared.

The American Council For an Energy-Efficient Economy strikes me as a well-hidden side project of the Sierra Club. Why? All you have to do is look at their annual “Greenest” and “Meanest” lists to see where I’m going. The greenest cars represent the eco-minded type and the meanest are the biggest polluters, not only from an emissions standpoint but from the manufacturing deal. Scores are tallied up using a “cradle to grave” analysis and every year we get told that we are evil people who should be driving what they think is best. This is the first year that the entire green side is all EV or EV-hybrid. What made the cut? Well, if you are a friend to the environment, then the Chevrolet Spark EV, Ford Focus Electric and Chevrolet Volt are for you. If you’re an asshole, you can go for the Toyota Sequoia, Chevrolet/GMC 2500 series full-size vans or the Bentley Continental GT Convertible. I don’t mind the idea of an environmentally-sound car…it’s just that every time I read these lists, I want to cruise by their offices in a 1975 Mercury Marquis while towing a boat in the sincere hope that their spotted owl cries.

2. Anyone want a Nissan truck rebadged as a Mercedes?

Yeah, this is apparently still a thing. Ever since Dieter Zetsche decided that that the whole DaimlerChrysler thing just wasn’t gonna work out, Mercedes has been on their own when it comes to the truck market. Not the heavy hauler market…their Actros line does pretty well. No…apparently MB is still bent on selling a rebadged Nissan Navara pickup with diesel four and six-cylinder engines. You know things are bad when Mercedes is phoning it in. I’m not knocking Nissan trucks at all…they are tough as hell and can take a beating, and the Navara is a new line, not just a rewarmed Frontier. But seriously, Mercedes? Couldn’t have taken the G-wagen and done something?

3. “Bait car” takes a whole new meaning…

Late-model Honda products use a soy-based wire coating, and to rodents that is apparently the rough equivalent of leaving a Boston Cream Cake unsupervised outside of a Planet Fitness. Apparently technicians have found live bunnies nibbling away at the wires of cars brought in for repairs, and that isn’t even the half of it. Normally, the only thing I need to know about soy is that if I eat it, I produce more emissions than a diesel Volkswagen…but maybe Bugs and his pals are trying to tell me something. Just remember to disconnect the battery first if you feel so inclined…

4. ” ‘Bate Car” takes on a whole new meaning…

If you haven’t heard the story already, a man in Detroit, Michigan perished in a rollover car accident while he was driving pants less with an adult movie playing on his phone. This is the second time this week I can’t believe I have to address what should be common sense: DISTRACTED DRIVING KILLS. A good portion of the driving public can’t operate a manual transmission…what the hell did you think was going to happen when you started playing with your own shifter?

5. They should be charged twice as much and publicly shamed.

When Ford announced the GT350 line, they were clear on one point: there was a difference between the GT350 and GT350R. The GT350 was the badass street car that could be used every day, and the GT350R…well, there’s a good reason why it didn’t come with a backseat! Yet, this logic seems to have escaped some potential buyers, who are now paying $999 for Ford to install an Alcantara-covered backseat assembly into their GT350R. What Ford ought to do is cancel their order, and put the GT350’s soundtrack loop into the fake exhaust program of a V6 Mustang, slap on some complementary stripes and send them on their way!