In a stunning announcement today, Sergio Marchionne who is the current CEO of Fiat Chrysler Automobiles has announced that the company will be changing their name to “The Hellcat Depot” and the new corporate slogan will be, “If It’s Not 4,000lbs And 700hp…It’s Crap!” This follows the news that FCA was going to abandon production of the Dart and the Chrysler 200, close stand alone Fiat dealerships, and continue to seek some sort of partnership with other automakers.

Of the change Marchionne said, “Yeah, look. We’re selling Ram trucks well enough but we cannot sell a passenger car without 700hp to save our souls.” He continued, “I thought for sure that people here would love that little Fiat 500 but those things are like customer repellant. Light, small car, with reasonable power and great handling. Know who wants that? Not a freaking person in North America apparently. But hey, the coupe and sedan who have spent a bunch of time in the buffet line and then scarfed down steroids? No one can get enough of the damned things, so screw it.”

Of the apparent failures surrounding both the Dart and Chrysler 200 to catch on and generate sales Marchionne was similarly flummoxed. “Get this,” he said. “Chrysler 200 is a complete redesign. Everyone freaking loves the thing. The previous generation was even too terrible for rental fleets, but this new one? The new one was awesome. No one gives a rat’s ass. We announce we’re going to plug a Hellcat engine into a freaking Jeep Grand Cherokee and all of a sudden we’re like Henry Ford over here. I  just don’t get it.”

Perhaps the most stunning failure of FCA was the Dart. One would reason that a company headquartered in Europe would have a leg up on the small car market here in the USA, but such was not the case. “We built the Dart, which I thought was a sure hit,” Marchionne said. “We did all kinds of neat stuff with that car. Remember the deal when we tried to convince kids to get their grandparents to buy the options on the car? Brilliant stuff. It all failed harder than New Coke. Full on dumpster fire. I go talking the boys in engineering and ask if we can put a Hellcat engine in the car and they tell me no. I fired them all and cancelled the model.”

Regarding the name change, which some in the industry think will cheapen the brand, Marchionne had a contradictory opinion, “There’s no cheapening this brand,” he said. “We’re literally just going to run ads with a person screaming the words, ‘SEVEN HUNDRED HORSEPOWER — THE HELLCAT DEPOT’ we think it will hit the right demo. Lord knows, nothing else has worked. ”