Let’s get a few things out of the way right off the bat. Yes, this car costs $179,586 per the window sticker provided by BMW. Yes, this car is designed to transport people with big bucks in comfort and Teutonic style wherever they may want to go. Yes, this car is not something that BMW will sell 100,000 of this year. Yes, I absolutely loved ever bleedin’ second of my experience in the BMW M760i. This is a two ton, twin-turbo, V12, AWD, monster that is so ridiculously over the top on every level that it is hard to describe.  From the rear “executive seating” option that provides desk and footrest, to the fact that you can control virtually every facet of the car by talking and waving your fingers in the air (literally), it is comfort, technology, and performance wrapped in a huge package that is nothing like I have ever experienced before.

The most stunning fact about the M760i? This is the quickest accelerating car with an M in its name that BMW makes. The mighty M5 does it in 4-seconds flat. This 5,150lb car does it in 3.6 seconds. Go ahead and give that a look again if you’d like but yes, 5,150lbs and 3.6-second to 60mph. It is mind-bendinly fast and weirdly agile for a machine of its weight. The xDrive all-wheel drive system is likely a large part of this but the car, because of its prodigious torque and dynamic suspension never lets on to be sweating or struggling no matter how aggressively you try to get with it. Like the refined beast that it is, the big sedan just sets its brow and does what you ask it to do.

But back to the power for a moment.

Within about three minutes of taking the first family drive in this car my wife said, “This car feels powerful.” It was kind of an off-hand comment and it was perceptive for a woman who really is not interested in any of this stuff to any high level. My sons both jumped at the chance to relay the horsepower and torque numbers to her. I then mentioned that the car had launch control. She asked what that was and we went ahead and found a “closed course” to demonstrate. The boys, luxuriating in the back seat of a car the size of which they had never experienced, intuitively pushed themselves back in their seats as I went through the steps of initializing the launch control.

I gave a three count, let go of the brake pedal and the yelping commenced.

“AHHHHHH”

“WHAT IS HAPPENING?!”

“STOPPPPPP!”

….and at about that moment we hit 60mph and I eased off the throttle and cruised on down the road like I was heading to the office of my ship building company or fidget spinner plant. It took her a good five minutes to recover from what is likely the hardest 0-60 blast she has ever experienced and it took my boys two seconds to ask if we could do it again. I’m still married, so you know I declined their request (at that moment).

The Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde nature of this car cannot be overstated. It is the smoothest, quietest, most insular thing I have ever driven until you don’t want it to be anymore. It is still smooth and quiet but when the V12 rears up, it is like Bill Bixby turning into the Hulk. The clothing rips in the right places and you are ready to take on whatever lies ahead.

The engine is a masterpiece. It is also thirsty and given the way I was apt to drive the car, I did not help the economy situation. In controlled highway cruising we saw 20mpg. Around town? It was about 12mpg unless I was driving like a BangShifter does and then it was only downhill from there. If you are buying this car, fuel economy is not even on the top 1,000 list of considerations.

So about the engine. It is a 6.6L (366ci) V12 mill that creates 601hp at 5,500hp and an awesome 590 lb-ft of torque, get this, from 1,500 rpm to 5,500rpm. That’s where the true brute power of the machine is. Right there. A torque curve as flat as a billiard table. Combine that with perhaps the world’s greatest eight speed automatic transmission and you have yourself one heck of a combo. The smoothness of the acceleration is what really is amazing. The 12-cylinder layout and all those beautiful gears means that it feels more like thrust from a turbine than an internal combustion engine shoving you along.

While driving dynamics and mechanical end of the car’s performance is impressive, the inside of the machine is where we go from the wild to the completely sublime. The materials are, as you would expect at this level, amazing. The size of the cabin in this car is so jarringly huge as compared to the ever shrinking insides of cars in the modern world that it takes some getting used to. I don’t mean that in a bad way but rather in a respectful one. You have all the room you want to do whatever you want in any seat of this BMW M760i.

Equipped with $7,500 in options regarding the rear seating alone, the back of the car is nearly as fun to occupy as the front. First there is the “luxury rear seating package” which provides heating to the rear seats as well as the rear armrest. Additionally this car was equipped with the “rear executive lounge” seating and that includes ventilation in the rear seats, recline ability as well as a footrest, a desk, full “executive controls” via a tablet, massage function, and entertainment package. It’s a party back there, trust me.

Up front the car is equipped with the really interesting BMW “gesture control”. This means when one wants to turn up the radio or change the channel or adjust the climate control one simple waves their fingers in the air and the car responds. You touch nothing, you gesture and things happen. It is mind-boggling.

What’s interesting about the M760i is the fact that while it has an M in it’s name the car isn’t technically an “M-car” like the M3 or M5. Why? I’m not sure. Perhaps they figured it would scare some luxury buyers off who figured the car would be too performance oriented. By giving it an M touch they kindly skirt that problem offering the enticement of performance with the knowledge that the huge sedan is still doing what it was intended for and that’s to deliver wealthy people to their destination in comfort.

Outside of the engine the M touches include the 20″ wheels, the steering wheel, and badging on the car. The color is called Frozen Dark Brown Metallic and it definitely fits the personality of the big car. Dark, menacing, and serious, it exudes the right attitude for this bruiser in my eyes.

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Muscle comes in many different varieties. From Hellcats to cars like the Mustang GT350R. It also comes super sized and wrapped in expensive clothes like the M760i. If I had the cheddar I’d be waiting outside the local dealership for one today. The first job would be to pull the badges and the second one would be to head to the drags and make Hellcats swallow their teeth.

Check out the image gallery below to see more of the BMW M760i – an incredible car

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