Well, it’s been a minute since you’ve heard anything about the 1980 Cadillac Fleetwood Formal that I bought in the dead of night at the beginning of the year, and for good reason: not too much has happened with it this year. Rather, not much has happened with the car that I would consider worthy of print, anyways. Our cheap-ass rolling property de-valuer might be an absolute dumpster fire overall, but strangely enough, it’s proven to be worth far more than the amount of money we actually plonked down on it when we drove it home on one freezing-ass night in January from one of the most stereotypical Kentucky towns you could’ve dreamed of.
I’ve kept the actual purchase amount quiet because over the year I wanted to assess just how worth the cost this rolling aircraft carrier would be. I wanted to see if the car was going to poop the bed within a month or if it just needed some attention and upkeep. Honestly, it’s somewhere in the middle, but it’s good in the right qualities. Given that we are one day out from turning the Formal loose at NCM Motorsports Park for the first King of the Heap race of the 2018-19 season, it seems the perfect time to review the good, bad, and f**king ugly sides of the Caddy limo that we paid a stunning $560 for. Yeah, that’s the buy-in cost, $560.
THE GOOD PARTS
For half a grand, you shouldn’t expect too much from any car and we went into this deal knowing that the Caddy was going to be problematic. The night we drug it home we knew the alternator was non-functioning and that the exhaust had been pinched nearly shut just past the catalytic converter, but it made the entire drive back to my house, over a hundred miles without so much as a sweat. A little investigating determined that the car wasn’t charging simply because the bulb that runs the “GENERATOR” idiot light had burned out. One small dash bulb later, the charging issue was solved. The exhaust went almost as well…with an honest face I approached the folks at Mark Muffler in Bowling Green, and they proceeded to cut the cat off before throwing in a take-off muffler from a Dodge Charger SRT-8 and a bit of pipe that dumps out just before the passenger rear tire. A quick repack of the front bearings and the Caddy was actually daily-drivable, and I drove it around simply because I could. The 368ci mill never failed to run, always started up without major drama, and while it’s no powerhouse, it’s not lacking for motivation, either. I’ve had the car well beyond what the 85 MPH speedometer indicates and it feels stable. After fixing a dead master cylinder, it stops shockingly well, too. It’s almost a shame nobody wants to ride in the car, because the rear passenger compartment is actually in very decent shape. I’ve used the limo as a truck, as a work bench, as a tow pig for moving the Imperial around the yard while I was preparing it’s engine installation, and it’s even held up to cornfield donuts. Overall, it’s been stout as a brick shithouse and dead-nuts reliable.
THE BAD PARTS
Ok, enough praise. Let’s get down to the reality of owning a cheap-ass limousine. While there is plenty of good about the Caddy, there is twenty-two feet of bad: the body. I’m not saying anything about the missing bumper fillers…that’s just a Cadillac trait and is easily fixable. No, I mean the body as a whole. It is stunning how much Bondo is actually in this car. It’s everywhere, and seems to be 80% of the entire roof skin. There is Gorilla tape that covers from the top of the windshield to about two inches behind the chrome strip on top…that’s because there is a chunk of body filler missing that has left a hole all the way to the headliner. There are Bondo cracks on the roof surface and in both C and D pillars where the padded roof treatment should have been. When this shell finally hits the crusher, it’ll give up the ghost in one dusty poof of filler. Except for the floor. The driver’s side floor is just about non-existent. The carpet and sound deadener are the only things keeping the driver from a Fred Flintstone act. There is no functioning HVAC system in this car whatsoever…like Chrysler’s Lean-Burn engine computer, it’s over-reaching early 1980s computer technology at it’s worst. As you read this I will make one last-ditch attempt at forcing the heater to work, otherwise I’ll be Eskimo Stig as I make my laps. The 368 has enough blow-by to turn the PCV valve into one of the Titanic’s funnels, and there is enough rust and silt coming up from the fuel tank that I bought out all of the large clear fuel filters from the local parts store to be sure that this barge finishes it’s first day without choking on the grit. Oh, and the power steering system whizzes fluid like a scared puppy, so it’s now running empty.
Preparations For King of the Heap
Even though the Cadillac was driven somewhat regularly, there was still a little work that needed to be done in order to be ready for King of the Heap. The biggest issue involved the tires. The 255/75R15 tires that had been on the car were junk from start to finish, and in order for the team to even be allowed to race in the event, they had to be replaced. But, as many of you know, finding good 15″ rubber isn’t that easy if you want choice. The King of the Heap rules requires the use of Uniroyal Tiger Paws, which doesn’t come that wide. But after hammering out some information with our friends at Michelin (Uniroyal’s parent company), we managed to get in a set of 215/60R15 Tiger Paws to put on those sweet American Racing wheels. By the way, we still don’t know what the name of that wheel is. I’ve looked. The new rubber has made the Cadillac look like a lowrider compared to it’s 1991 Sport Truck days but driving it is actually so much better…the bouncing and wallowing that the car had before was mostly dialed out and the big barge will actually take a set in a sweeping corner. This car won’t autocross worth a damn, but I’m excited to put it on the road course.
And…that’s it! We have one quart of oil and trans fluid just in case, some hand tools, the extra fuel filters and that’s all. We’ve also finally named the car: “War Car III”. As a kid, we had “War Cars” that were bombed with spray paint and beaten to within an inch of their lives, and both of them tolerated ten times the amount of abuse anyone expected them to live through. The 1975 Dodge and 1987 Plymouth did things I’d never seen a car do before and that is a big reason why I like the unloved Mopars. Yes, the Caddy is the first GM to earn the nickname, but so far it’s proven to be worthy. It’s done everything from take my father-in-law to dinner to romping in a field. Tomorrow, it’ll hit a racetrack and I’ll drive it in the most abusive manner possible, and it’ll either die a gladiator’s death or it’ll emerge a hero.
And if I’m lucky, it’ll get claimed and I’ll move on to the next cheap beater.
You might try 10W-30 in the power steering. It’s thicker than P/S fluid and doesn’t leak as bad. Since it’s not a rack and pinion it’ll work, just be stiff on a cold start. I’ve done it a few times to get by.