The art of the hilarious craigslist ad is fickle. Often times we get tipped off to these things and they turn out to be complete rip off/copy cat postings that someone else came up with. Other times they just aren’t that funny, but once in a great while we get one that is original, funny, and worthy of sharing with all of you. Yes, in the realm of the hilarious craigslist ad, this piece below hawking a Craftsman lawn tractor stands tall. We’d like to have a beer with whoever wrote this because they seem like they’d be a riot to hang out with.
Like anything funny, the balance between absurdity and going completely off the rails is where the “funny” is. This dude walks that line perfectly with some Family Guy-esque pop culture references, some stuff that’s just out of left field, and a few zingers that are genuinely funny and creative. We honestly want to go buy the tractor from him right now just to see who the person was that created this.
It is Friday, the weekend is looming large and you are ripe for some humor. Read below and then hit the link to see the original ad!
In the event some killjoy reports or has it removed, here’s the text of the listing. It is great!
For sale: one early 80’s Craftsman riding lawn mower with an 11 horse power engine and 30″ mowing deck. Bottom line, this beast is a sick ride! In fact, I’d even say it’s the El Camino of yard whips. Just take a look at those sweet ass rims. So dope they look rented. #arethosedubs?
Wait, is that a chicken in the background? Damn straight! Because the Craftsman riding lawn mower was considered the barnyard pimp of its day. Get yer yerrd on, fool!
Is it fast? Ever heard of old school 3 on the tree? Well, this whip’s got 8 on the hip. That’s right, 8 screamin’ gears of merciless speed! Need to mow that $h!t Richard petty style? No problem. Snappin’ necks and mowin’ decks, homie…
Just look at this beast. It even has the original factory pin striping. This NASCAR style speed demon will look quick just sitting in your driveway. Neighbors be like “SMH with envy.” Don’t dare put this baby in the shed. She deserves the garage. #nooneputsbabyinthecorner
Does it run, you ask? HELLS YEAH! Like a pack of Kenyans on crystal meth! This bad boy just got a carburetor rebuild, new seals all the way around and a brand new battery installed. Turns over quicker than your prom date. And you don’t even need to buy it wine coolers.
Don’t get me started on the mowing deck! 30 full inches of precision slicin’ and dicin’. Cuts better than Edward Scissor Hands and Lorena Bobbit in a knife fight. And this blade runner has 8 cutting heights! Go full Brazilian with a 1 inch cut, or bring your field of dreams up to 8 inches, 1970’s style; your choice. All I’m sayin’ is this mo-fo fades a lawn better than a set of hair clippers at Fantastic Sams. Whaaaa?
But can I mow with it at night, you ask? Who hasn’t awoken at O’dark:30 to mow their lawn black ops style? No problem with this night rider. It has a fully functioning head light, Michael. #Getyerdarkon
Pretty sure this man-ride is the luxury model. It’s equipped with a plush pleather spring ride seat for those Brokeback yards, 10 inch Kung Fu grip steering wheel and rubberized foot pads. Ain’t no footloose goin’ on up in here. Safety first, homies!
You: So how much is this Kentucky bluegrass love machine?
Me: Just $500.°°.
You: Wait, what?
Me: That’s right, you heard me, only $500 greenbacks.
The world: How is that possible?
Me: my family and I have enjoyed using this cutting-deck of dope-ness since it’s immaculate inception back in the 80’s. Can you say one owner? Yup!
It’s time this black pearl set sail and find another crew to roll with. It’s faded many lawns in its day and is looking for the greener grass on your side of the fence.
Don’t wait to call or you’ll be tellin’ stories about the one that got away for the rest of your life, or call me now and become the lawn jockey you always dreamed to be.
No texts, please. I need to hear your voice and know that this family pet is going to a 100% full blooded american. #Merica