If for no other reason, the write-up on this 2000 Ford Super Duty limousine needs to be saved for the historical files. Limousines have a shelf life: they start out coveted, perform high-end work, and as they age progressively move downmarket until they are the basis for every horrifying joke you can come up with. Alcohol, drugs, loose women, enough stripper glitter to give the truck some fleck in the paint…Over the course of nearly twenty years of service, a limousine can become a CDC agent’s nightmare. But to plebes who normally aren’t shuttled around in the rear seat of privilege, a limo can be quite fun. That beater Cadillac from last year was a riot and it was a rotting pile. But this truck…this Ford has something more going for it. From the words of Mr. Shanks himself:
“This is not the truck for you if you got an ol lady or an ol man that you love and want to be with forever. This is not the truck for you if you don’t like being the center of attention at all times. This is not the truck for you if you don’t like strippers, Jim/Jack/Crown, Amber Romance, and if you don’t like being referred to as “that a-hole is out front” and “daddy of the year”, this truck is not for you either. With that said, if you fancy yourself as a Rockstar and you know how to have a good time, then have I got a deal for you! I’ve used her to pull my camper. I’ve used her to pull my boat. I’ve used her to pull every lady working the day shift down @ HeadLights.
Folks, this thing runs on Jim Beam and Stripper Glitter and as long as you keep it full of both she’ll take you anywhere you wanna go! ShanksForceOne is officially being retired and passed on to the next group of egotistical maniacs, young, rich and famous, wanna be card sharks and rockstars…… She is gonna sell for the pennies on the dollar as to what we’ve put into her these last few years. Harley front end-tailgate-rear bumper, coil packs, brakes, exhaust……. lots and lots of carpet cleaner….. Blue tooth head units front and rear. I spent over $5k getting the ac fixed 2 years ago.
So before you ask what would posses me to part ways with the 8th wonder of the world, I’ll share with you this: all of my rowdy friends have/are settled down. The fellas just aint the same crowd that they used to be. I’m the last of the Bro’hicans. I dont like yard sailing, book clubbing, wine touring and wearing matching sweaters. And I figured it was just easier to sell my soul aka a piece of my heart aka ShanksForce One aka this ol truck instead of going out and finding new friends. If you’re interested in purchasing ShanksForce One, holla at me. If you’re interested in pulling day shift ladies, boats, motorcycle trailers, coming home early…..in the morning…. holla at me. We might can hang out.”
A suggestion? Bleach wipes. You’ll need them. But if you want your race crew to ride in style as you haul the car from event to event…well, it’s not a bad option.
Thanks to Channing Ivey for the tip!